Impossible question - but do you think children in private schools are ‘happier’?

I think MIDDLE class parents fall into a few categories (feel free to add to my list)

Those who would never contemplate any type of education apart from fee paying and who can afford it.

Those who would never contemplate any type of education apart from fee paying and who can’t afford it but almost bankrupt themselves and/or their parents to pay for it.

Those who can’t afford private and would never consider any other type of state education apart from grammars and have children who are bright enough.

Those who can’t afford private and would never consider any other type of education apart from grammars but they find out mid process their kids aren’t bright enough and so badger every family member they know / remortgage so that they can go private instead. If all else fails they will do the comp and moan.

Those who know their childrens’ comps aren’t going to give them the toppest of top grades or turn them into Olympians but see other things that they love about the school and how it will set their children up for life.

Any I have missed?

I can only speak for my quite academic DS 12.

At state primary he was bored, demotivated and utterly miserable about sport/pe. There was a lot of cliquey snobbery and, since he wasn't one of the cool kids, he felt very isolated. After 18 months at a small non-selective independent senior school, he is happy, cheerful, engaged and gradually gaining confidence at pe. I will have to work an extra 5 years to cover the cost, but so far it has been worth it - and a huge relief.

But I don't think state or independent is what matters. It's more down to school catchment, leadership, teaching style, and individual child.

I also went to private and not every child was happy - although a long time ago pastoral care may be better

I have always said on these posts that my childrens’ primary was absolutely average, had dreadful senco and was not academically high flying. But the childhood it gave them was just incredible... Lovely walks to school, incredible community (diverse, not all middle class like us) lots of downtime after school, wonderful memories.. I wouldn’t have paid for it but I was happy we had it down the road. I would pay for their secondary state school if I had to as it is a more complete package. So no I don’t only rave about our state schools. The reason I am often on these posts is to refute the claim that private is better for all children and that children are happier there as I see so so SO many examples of this not being true as well as examples of happy children. I think to be fair the OP knew she was asking a question for which there was no one answer and there is certainly no research that says that children are happier if they went to private school that I know of.

I do have a really good state option and can compare to private as have used both. I’m not anti private in any way I just don’t think you can say where children are always happier, it’s a mix.

That’s not to say there aren’t other considerations

Do you think the majority of us want to pay for what we should get included in our taxes?

There are plenty of private school parents who have are happy to pay and never even consider sending their children to state schools. Couldn't tell you if it was a majority, but it's certainly a sizeable minority.
of course there are some parents who choose private because they do not have an acceptable state alternative, but that's not the true for all private school parents. And of course many parents don't want "acceptable" - they want amazing.

(If it helps to make my opinion valid, my children do not go to an "excellent" state school in the way I think it was meant on this thread. They go to a bog standard comp, whose results are lower than many private school parents would deem acceptable). They are still pretty happy (which was the point of his thread :) ))

This is purely anecdotal, but I was really shocked at the prevalence of mental health problems amongst my privately educated peers at Cambridge. Perhaps it was coincidence, but my state educated friends did not appear to have nearly so many problems. Same here. Eating disorders, especially.

Perhaps we should just all hold off from answering these types of posts - nobody learns anything, they aren’t constructive, everybody answers from their own personal perspective and experience which is inevitably going to be irrelevant to the next persons given we all have different, individual children going to different individual schools. It’s always going to be a bun fight.

Same here MrsMiaWallace
I’ve yet to see an anti Private school post from a parent with children not at an excellent State school.
Do you think the majority of us want to pay for what we should get included in our taxes? I sure as hell don’t but we consider it necessary and as we are able to send the DC Private we do

Instead you just post another story about how good private is

..for my dds.

Yes, it's brilliant, I love it, fantastic school, my dds are doing well academically, socially, mentally and physically (lots of sport). Like you feel about your dds school. Aren't we lucky our dds go to the best school for them?

If you post and say - the private school is good because.. and then list a set of things then it is implicit within your statement that you think those things are good becuase it is a private school

Well, yes - its an excellent school, it suits my dd, she's happy there and it just happens to be a private school. I'm sure there are amazing state schools exist as you say, but there aren't any near me, sadly. Lucky you to have one, I'd far rather get what we have now but not pay a fortune every term!

Otherwise the statement is - my dd's school is good becuase.... and I would look for a school with those things.

Eveyr post of yours is down on state schools. You have been picked up on it by several posters. I am pleased for you that you have foudn a school that suits your dd. Great. But it is just that, a particular school.
There are good and bad schools in bothe state private, and even school which suit one child and not another.

Spectatularly missing form any o f your posts is the acknowledgement that your limited experience is not the whole story. Instead you just post another story about how good private is.

I am not offended, but I am pushing back at your comments becuase they are in the long run part of a problem we have in society which assumes private school kids have more to offer.

I am just astonished that you really think these things can't be found in state schools

I'm getting a bit sick of replying to these made up accusations. I presume you just like being outraged over nothing.

But none of the reasons you gave are about being private!

I have kids at 2 secondaries.
At both schools the staff is stable, because they are good schools which attract and keep staff. They have good routine and conssitency (wtf how is that anything even to do with paying for your education??)
The vast majority of staff have been there for some time. Staff recognise me at dd2's parents evening becuase they taught dd1.
The schools both have many traditional values and are calm and structured places with high academic and behavioural standards.

I am just astonished that you really think these things can't be found in state schools

It's been great for my DD.
There are always people joining her school and I'm not aware of any issues fitting in as such.

I do think that's maybe because it's an all girls school.

Girls schools tend to go from year 7, whereas the more traditional public schools (generally used to all boys now mixed) go from year 9 and you will possibly have missed the boat on the more competitive ones.

Is there a GDST school near you?

It really depends on what options you have. In the city I live in, there are 5 independent schools but only one would have suited my daughter

Well exactly! Perhaps this ‘teaching children how to interact with adults’ is a new thing, certainly nothing I experienced at school. Politeness, behaviour, table manners, etc I agree @IrishGirl2020 are far from exclusive to Private school children and are picked up from parents. I’d certainly question any notion that Private schools don’t produce monosyllabic teens, uncomfortable around adults. Absolutely not my experience. What they can produce is monosyllabic young adults with no real idea of how to communicate with young adults of the opposite sex.. absolutely my experience here!

I think a lot of the ‘polish’ just refers to how children behave towards adults - for example, many pre-prep schools encourage children to look adults in the eye when speaking and teach them to shake hands etc. It can often make these kids appear precocious and lots of people don’t like it. But I guess this carries on so that by the time they are teenagers, they are more used to making an effort when chatting with adults rather than giving a monosyllabic reply.

I do find it all quite interesting though and would like to hear other people’s opinions on exactly what private schools might be doing to achieve it.
My feeling is that anyone can teach their kids to be like this if they want and many kids are like it naturally perhaps from copying how their parents behave - it’s far from being exclusive to private schooling!

I couldn't say whether my kids would be happier in a state school because they haven't experienced it. I went to a grammar school and was very happy there.

As trite as it sounds, both my children love sport so the number of fixtures and facilities at their private school definitely make them happy. They have found it hard having these curtailed this year and they have been a bit up and down (possibly a teenage boy getting rid of pent up emotion through sport thing...). Theirs is selective but I don't think those in the lower sets feel unhappy or inadequate.

Equally, there's plenty of sport available through clubs and some state schools so they could have found the same at a different school. My friends with sports loving kids at some of our local state schools voice their frustration at the limited provision for sports. But this varies hugely by school.

I don't see any wealth issues between the boys as some are on bursaries, some have parents who struggle to be able to afford the fees and others who are comfortably off. I don't think the financial situation of parents has a bearing on friendship groups, at least not at our school (Herts/NW London).

One comment that seems to come up time and time again as if it was some absolute truism is the notion that Private schools apply ‘polish’. What exactly is meant by that?! I wonder if it says something about the prevalence of the class system that speaking a certain way endows that person in others eyes as possessing character traits like confidence that this person just might not possess! As in any school, there will be children in Private schools who have the complete range of self belief and self confidence. At 18, completely privately educated, I was totally gormless as were many of my friends. We really do need to just toss out and reject this absolutely nonsensical notion that any type of school produces a type.

I know quite a few ex-students of highly academically selective independent schools who have low self-confidence (though they may well have the ‘polish’ talked about earlier!) from having been in the bottom sets - not realising that those bottom sets might well have been the top sets in another non-selective school.

It is only a very particular type of child who thrives in that sort of competitive environment and for a lot of others it’s just a recipe for misery. Definitely something to avoid if you’re unsure

Anecdotally I know a number of people who cite their experience at private schools as damaging and the cause of mental health problems including bulimia and drug and alcohol addictions.

Firstly I'd say that friendship issues happen absolutely everywhere.

Secondly, in the independent sector there are rare gems that are not academically selective, but with great pastoral care and are arty, musical and creative but that also ensure that children achieve their academic potential. This is difficult to achieve and you need to do your homework carefully because not academically selective can mean that children underachieve and you are left wondering what you spent your money on.

Finally, there is huge pressure at any academically selective school even if they claim the opposite, so if this is a factor now you need to avoid that in the private sector, because in addition to schools wanting to preserve their league table position you have an army of parents insisting on getting their money's worth.

In all cases the move largely child led

It’s too broad and simplistic to be state v private but anecdotally friends who have moved unhappy kids (either state to private or state to other state) have all been glad they did.

With respect to the OP there is a real trend for divisive State V Private threads on Mumsnet.

It completely depends on the child, their home environment & which school on how happy they are. Reducing happiness to either a State or Private option is just silly really.