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Original poster

Impossible question - but do you think children in private schools are ‘happier’?

258 replies

Diddlysquatty · 29/12/2020 10:49

I’ve posted a bit about my yr 8 Dd.
High flier confident and bright and primary, she’s not enjoying her large (1500) ofsted outstanding state academy secondary.
She’s become quite down, self conscious, and had friendship issues. She’s not very motivated with school work and tends to do the minimum. Dismisses a lot of subjects as boring and says they don’t matter as she won’t do them for gcse anyway. Marks are ok but achievement has slipped a bit. Obviously impossible to say what role lockdown has played.

I’d offered her the option of changing schools at the height of the friendship issues (she’s in a bit of a toxic foursome) but she said she wouldn’t like to start again somewhere.

We’re coming into some money that means private would probably be possible and my mum apparently said to my husband over xmas, when asking after Dd, that they’d like to help if we wanted to move her.

He’s keen on the idea from an academic perspective. I think he thinks in a smaller, private school they’d pick up on and help with lack of motivation, and filling any gaps from lockdown.

I’m just not sure whether we should even consider it.

The pressure at school is one of the things she complains about - she’s in top sets and in a tutor group that’s doing a special language immersion stream (supposedly) so is with generally more able people.
Surely this aspect would be worse at an academically selective secondary?

Could they really help with motivation or would it make no difference?

It does sound like the teachers are beaten down where she is but there’s no guarantee this would be different at private is there?

I know that some people choose private for academic or social reasons, but what about well-being? Are kids more likely to come out well balanced and resilient, or is the opposite true if there is more competition, issues of wealth etc?

I know I’m asking the impossible but would appreciate thoughts.

I went to a small private all girls school and there were definitely lots of mental health issues going on there!

I know my husband doesn’t agree but I’m not so fussed about grades - apart from the extent to which this would boost her - but most of all I want her to be happy and feel like she’s fulfilling her potential

OP posts:
MrsMiaWallis · 29/12/2020 11:26

Fwiw dd3 moved to independent from state in year 9 and it was fine and she's much happier there thsn the local state, she feels 'seen' and valued. Dd2 has always been in independent education and was quite miserable in year 7 and 8 but we moved schools qnd ahes now in 6th form and can't bear to think of leaving she loves it so much

Original poster
Diddlysquatty · 29/12/2020 11:25

Yes I remember the late comers never quite fitting in completely if I’m honest

OP posts:
MrsMiaWallis · 29/12/2020 11:23

I think having money and a comfortable life makes kids happier, so thats possibly why it seems as though more independent school kids are happier

Tbf there are a few very unhappy fuck ups at dds independent school despite being extremely rich snd privileged so who knows

HighRopes · 29/12/2020 11:23

I think it depends entirely upon the school. Would you feel able to share your local private options? Maybe there will be people on here who can advise on how well they support children like your dd.

The one thing that leaps out at me from your OP is that she feels both under pressure and under supported by teachers. I think that she is likely to get more teacher support at private school (smaller classes help with this), so it might be that she would feel less pressure as she would have more help to do well rather than feeling its all on her.

RizzleDrizzle · 29/12/2020 11:21

Oh sorry I didn’t realise this was in secondary and read year 8 as 8!

I think some of what I said still applies.

Although it will actually solve some of the late comer problem, very many private schools have an intake in year 9 so children will be coming in to the school via the common enterence, the kids don’t need to know they come from state school, there will be a fair few new comers

RizzleDrizzle · 29/12/2020 11:18

I think it depends on the child and the school. Much as it does state schools. I guess with private schools you can chose to travel for the best fit school for your child.

I was very unhappy at state primary school however found myself in a lovely smallish secondary where i flourished.

My privately educated half siblings moved to a bigger (more local) selective private school and they hated it, one sibling became what would now be called a school refuser, until he was moved back to his original private school. And toxicity very much still exists in private school.

However, both of them absolutely loved and flourished in the smaller original non selective private school, it was a bit of a longer journey for my parents but the school fitted my siblings better.

My sister sounds very like your girl in the high flyer, she benefited from being able to make close bonds and teachers who were able to personalise her work to her to get the most out of her. (Just as a little aside that’s also why I flourished in my smaller state secondary I had a head teacher who was very in to making education fit the child)

As for the newcomer issue, your daughters 8? What year is she in? Year 3? That might be a good time to move her, as many private schools have an intake in year 3 as it moved from preprep to prep (infants in to juniors) I guess it won’t entirely rule out the late comer issue. Unless you find a school that didn’t have a preprep attached.

I think it’s about what’s the right fit for your daughter

gettingolderbutcooler · 29/12/2020 11:00

I was a latecomer too. Not terribly happy. Missed my friends badly.

Santaisreel · 29/12/2020 10:53

I wasn't happier. It was the most miserable time of my life. I hated every minute of it. I was bullied as a 'latecomer' and my family didn't fit with the pretentious cunts so was always sidelined for social events etc too.