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Original poster

TOXIC friends - do I change my son to another school?

40 replies

WilliamG66 · 28/12/2020 12:44

Hello,
I am considering changing my 12 yo school in mid year, mainly because the only friends he has are very toxic and are making him really unhappy. He is in Year 8 so all kids’ groups are well established so it is really hard to make new friends.
He doesn’t want to change schools but I am really worried about him finding nice friends.
Have already spoken to the boys and asked them to be nice to each other and be good friends, but they continue to call him names, make him feel guilty about spending family time and basically being really nasty to him.
I have not spoken to the school yet because my son is worried that they will make a big deal of it and he’d end up being called a snitch and being victimised by other kids and end up alone during school break times etc.
I don’t know how to help him. Sad
Any advice very much welcomed.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 28/12/2020 14:45

Sometimes children need their parents to intervene whether they want them to or not.

Contact the school, they should be doing work on social media and 'banter' and stuff like that. They can bring it forward if necessary.

Original poster
WilliamG66 · 28/12/2020 14:35

Yes, DS does say that he just needs to go and switches off but still gets the flack for it. Also hard when he wants to play on the Xbox by himself and they see him online, as they just don’t leave him alone or call him weirdo for not joining. I cannot understand why some people cannot just be nice. Why criticise others constantly? Why making others feels bad? It seems to be mainly one of the boys, the instigator, and the other one just joins.
I know their mums since primary and I have been tempted so many times to speak to them but my DS doesn’t want me to get them involved.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 28/12/2020 14:13

Yes, sometimes young people really appreciate having a mum to blame for avoiding things they'd rather not do.

Oblomov20 · 28/12/2020 14:09

Just get him to tell them that his mum wants him to have a break from x box. Like a 'Dry January'. Smile

Original poster
WilliamG66 · 28/12/2020 13:45

Thank you all for your messages- it really helps to talk to others about it as I feel very upset for him.

He likes the school and he seems happy in his class but the real struggle seems to be after school when he connects with the boys whilst gaming - when the arguments start and things get nasty. When he switches off he is called a loner, when he complains about them calling him names , he is told it is only banter and he is called a snowflake. There is no break from it. If he plays by himself, they see he is connected and bombard him with messages to join them. It is not every day but often enough to make him really upset.
My thought of changing schools is to simply take him away from it completely, but I do understand that it is a very drastic measure.

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 28/12/2020 13:23

He has made acquaintances in his class but spends break times with these other 2 boys as other boys have their own groups already formed

The other boys may well have their own groups already formed in the same way that your son does i.e. out of habit, rather than necessarily friendship.

Time for him to be brave and hang out with the acquaintances in his class. And hence avoid the other boys at break.

noblegiraffe · 28/12/2020 13:23

Please talk to the school before doing anything drastic.

Schools have lots of experience of this sort of thing and may be able to come up with ideas that you haven't thought of.

Oblomov20 · 28/12/2020 13:23

Disagree, year 8 is a great year for making new friends, as Redsky said.
Email HoY and put your concerns to them aswell. Let pastoral care help him find new friends.
No need to move schools. Yet.

Original poster
WilliamG66 · 28/12/2020 13:21

Thanks for your comment SJaneS49. The boys are not on his actual class but are inherited from primary school. He has made acquaintances in his class but spends break times with these other 2 boys as other boys have their own groups already formed. One of the boys even travels with him to and from school everyday so breaking away would be even harder.
My husband is now determined to change schools but I don’t think it’d be as simple as that and it might make it harder for him.
But I feel as if I am ignoring the bullying so that he doesn’t end up alone...😔

OP posts:
Beamur · 28/12/2020 13:19

DD is in yr9 and her friendship group this year is quite different. It's as if she's finally found the right group.
Do contact the school, not to complain but maybe to ask if there are any planned changes ahead to forms or streams that might help.
DD's school rejigs the forms in yr9, and some lessons are being set into streams this year too. I think they understand that the dynamics change and this has worked really well for DD.

SJaneS49 · 28/12/2020 13:19

I agree with @RedskyAtnight about social media.. but perhaps not removing himself from the group or blocking which will definitely get backs up but just instead turning his phone off when he gets home or turning alerts off and not contributing (or contributing very little on a very infrequent basis).

RedskyAtnight · 28/12/2020 13:17

If your school is doing solely whole class teaching in Year 8, due to Covid, it might be worth seeing if he can swap classes? That will automatically give him a new friendship base.

SJaneS49 · 28/12/2020 13:14

Doh! Sorry just thought if your DS’s school is like DDs then the current number of lunchtime clubs may be a lot smaller thanks to Coronavirus. Are there any running at all at lunchtime he could join? Or perhaps he could start to separate himself by claiming that there are pieces of homework he needs to do a lunchtime in the library? Just trying to think of ways he can edge out which is less noticeable than an immediate drop out!

RedskyAtnight · 28/12/2020 13:14

Year 8 is the time when children realise they don't like all the friends they made in Year 7, and make new ones. So entirely disagree with your assessment that friendship groups are established. And, if this was the case, why would it be any different at another school?

It's very difficult at the moment with limited extra curricular activities running, but I'd encourage your child to join any that interest him that are available. And just try to talk to new people. He may well find someone in the same boat as him. Suggest he disengages from the nasty friends - maybe block them on social media.

SJaneS49 · 28/12/2020 13:01

I’m not sure all friendship groups are as hard at fast in Year 8, or ever really at Secondary. DD1 flitted across several in Secondary and DD2, also Year 8 is now in a different social group than in Year 7 as she didn’t really like the group of girls she was in.

Possibly the best option is to edge himself out? Could he join a couple of lunchtime clubs just as a) a break from these kids and b) a way to meet others? Does he travel in or know boys outside this group he could hang with? That’s what DD2 did, she was very friendly with a girl on her bus and basically asked her if she would mind if she spent time with her and her friends.

My experience with DD1 was really that they don’t stay hard and fast in their initial groups. I’d suggest to him that he starts proactively branching out and edging out.. but if that doesn’t work then I think you need to seize the bull by the horns, go in & find out about the possibility of him moving class.