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Original poster

Anxious stressed teen - worried about being late for school

38 replies

FlemCandango · 24/10/2020 11:27

Dd is 14 and in year 10. She is a very well behaved and good student. She has ADHD and Autism and this means she can get stressed around transitions, easily distracted and zones out, very disorganised and sometimes obsessive.

So this year she is walking to school with her big brother (also autistic but very organised and in y12 so less pressure to get to school as he doesn't have to go to registration). Dd cannot walk in alone as she needs someone to keep her on track. Takes about 25 mins to walk.

Dd has been very stressed about being on time to school. I do what I can, waking kids up at 6.45am (earlier sometimes), helping with lunches, checking the timetable, getting uniform (washing uniform almost daily at the moment cos Covid). Dd also need to take meds before school. Also ensuring they have masks/ hand sanitizer etc. All so that dd and ds can leave by 8.05am to be on time but not too early as there are rules around staggered entry times. I have a younger dd and I also need to get ready for work 3 days of the week. So plenty going on.

Unfortunately even if dd has everything she needs after she goes up to her room after breakfast generally not later than 7.30am. she seems to spend spend 30 mins staring into space then I start calling up with time checks and she will seem to wake up to herself and start panicking. This slows things down considerably, as dd will stand still, with no socks on saying "I am going to be late" on repeat while staring desperately and not doing anything. I will prompt action ... But once she starts edging into meltdown it gets worse.

Ds meanwhile will be ready to go yet still have his sister stressing at him, potentially tearful all the way to school even though they will be on time. Dd has been late once (in her time at high school) but as she fell apart it wasn't recorded by the teacher.

We try to keep her on track but as I am getting myself and helping everyone else, get ready it has sometimes got a bit much. DH works from home so if dd falls apart he will drive them to school. We try to get stuff ready the night before and wake everyone up on time.

The issue with being late stems from a fear of getting after school detention. Dd is self sabotaging as her fear of being late is paralysing her to actually be more at risk of being late. We do all we can to get kids up and out on time.

I contacted dds keyworker this week to discuss the issue. She confirmed that the school don't want to make exceptions so if dd is late she will get a detention. This is understandable but no sign of a reasonable adjustment for a well intentioned child with a diagnosed condition, that is actually more likely to be late because of stress about the consequences of being late! Ugh.

Anyway I'd love to know if there is a magic solution to this that I am missing? Anyway wise words appreciated here thank you for reading.

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Original poster
FlemCandango · 13/11/2020 13:59

The good start our second half term came to a screeching halt this morning.

A combination of issues. Dd1 did get dressed before she came down for breakfast and was broadly on schedule. But we started talking about PE which was her first lesson this morning. I discovered that she has been really struggling, more than she had let on. Apparently the teacher had a talk with her this week and has concluded that dd does need some reasonable adjustments (dds words) as she is trying really hard but finds team games tough. Dd is dyspraxic - so all well as struggling with processing teachers instructions and the demands of team mates she is unable to coordinate her limbs as well as others. The school should already be aware of this and I am tired of repeatedly asking for consideration 😬

Anyway time passed while we unpicked this and I was trying to give her encouragement to see how today's lesson went etc. She was stressed and I realised they were a couple of minutes past the time they should set off (still in time if they hurried). Our car won't start so a lift wasn't possible.

So I shifted them out the door - after they left I noticed she hadn't taken her meds and left her lunch behind. She has meds at school fortunately and credit on account for school lunch. and her phone was out of charge so I couldn't ring her! Fucking mess!

I emailed the school so I heard back that she made it on time but had a meltdown and needed some time out to recover. So argh. I am struggling a bit at the moment, work is stressful and DH work is a shitshow. I need the weekend but dd1 parents evening today so need to bring my A game to talking through what the school is doing to help her. And what they should be doing.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrerr4ggghgggghhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
lanthanum · 07/11/2020 14:42

Great news!

Princessbanana · 06/11/2020 20:04

Bring clean underwear and socks down every night and have her get dressed in the bathroom or sitting room where you can keep an eye out for her standing staring into space!😉

Original poster
FlemCandango · 06/11/2020 19:40

Thanks again for every thoughtful reply to my thread.

I have reviewed and made some changes to our morning routine this week it is working so far.

Dd has had a good week no meltdown. She was helped by having a week and a day off. So we started on Tuesday with everyone checking their clothes the night before. Though with varying success.

Dd is still vague and has a tendency to procrastinate while obsessing about the thing she is not doing! Classic ADHD. So she might say she will do something but I still end up checking twice and then doing it/ standing over her while she does it.

She gets dressed before breakfast, that helps a great deal and our washing machine was playing up so not washing every night!

And after a fantastic progress report with amazing effort marks her confidence has improved. So a good start!

OP posts:
Thimbleberries · 29/10/2020 08:35

(oh sorry, just seen that someone else mentioned Alexa)

Thimbleberries · 29/10/2020 08:35

Could you get her an Alexa for her room, and programme in reminders to keep her on track during the 30 min that she is staring into space and not getting on with things? It could be both simple time reminders, but also reminders about what to do at various stages - in a gentle way so not to panic her. That would save you having to call up time reminders, which sounds stressful for you too, as it's one more thing to organise.

JeezLouisePlease · 28/10/2020 21:09

DD is NT but is a massive “latephobe”. I googled it and apparently it’s called “Allegrophobia” officially.

She finds lists help. Times listed for each morning task. Eg.

7am - get up
7:15 - eat breakfast
7:30 - get dressed
7:45 - downstairs with bag to check
7:55 - shoes on
Etc

Plus she also has a checklist of what she must take.

Eg.
Pen
Pencil
Homework due in
Snacks?
Etc

Some items are vague but refer her to check if needed eg homework.

She follows her times now without them being written but still uses a checklist written for things to take.

You could print a copy and put one in her room and another downstairs.

In addition, DD uses Alexa to set weekday repeating alarms in her room to remind her to get a move on.

Naem · 28/10/2020 20:00

No suggestions, OP other than what others have suggested. But with a DD with some of the same characteristics your post really hit a chord of "that could be me". I confess we have always insisted that DD get dressed before she comes down to breakfast, becuase of these kinds of issues (and going back to the days when I could still get away with dressing her, half asleep, which made getting ready for school so much easier, even though it was our guilty secret, as she was well beyond the age when either of us could admit that mummy was still dressing her). And I am afraid we do not wash very much, at least not key outer garments - the good news is that they are increasingly saying that it is areosol transmission, not surfaces, and especially not cloth services that transmit).
But what really struck home about your post is that, bizarrely, I have to thank the school for something that has driven me mad for years, which is the random and frequent and unjust handing our of punishments, including detentions. Both my DC learnt very quickly in Year 7 that punishments and detentions were handed out like confetti, that it just depended on whether you struck a punishment minded teacher or not, when and how often you ended up in detention (and you couldn't avoid having at least some of those), and that you just had to suck it up and get on with it. Bit like rain really. I had always felt enraged by this, believing that punishments should earned, and meritocratic, and the randomness and injustice was a poor teacher. But as there was nothing I as a parent could do, I just boiled away in silence, and my kids just shrugged their shoulders. But your post has made me realise that this was a very good thing. DD has had to many detentions (and so have all her friends, and everybody else she knows) to get anxious about it. Of course, if the point of a punishment is get behaviour change, then having kids regard punishments as being like the rain, messes up your day, but what can you do, they are not going to get behaviour change, but it does mean that those towards the anxious part of the spectrum will not have it trigger their anxiety, and perhaps I should be grateful to the school for this, instead of frustrated.

ittakes2 · 28/10/2020 14:59

A bit different but could you ask the school if she could voluntarily sit in dentition one afternoon with the optic of leaving if she wanted to so she can see it’s not as bad as she thinks?

lanthanum · 25/10/2020 18:16

A couple more ideas on the uniform front:

  • Can someone (you/DH?) nip down to retrieve the uniform from the dryer before/just after waking her?
  • Do you have an airing cupboard? DD's uniform dries perfectly well overnight on a hanger in the airing cupboard - we don't even have a tumbler. That means it's upstairs for grabbing easily in the morning. (I realise not all uniforms are quite so easy-care, though.)

I agree about not having to go back upstairs making things easier. We've always kept toothbrushes and toothpaste downstairs for morning use.

Hermionegraingerrules · 24/10/2020 21:44

Sounds super tough. Yes you need to be tough with school on this.

I don’t have the same issues with a SEN child but much younger children who need a firm direction to get to school on time. I also work long hours and have to leave early with them.

I am exceptionally organised - all ready night before unless I know DH is around to help. Uniform clean and dried etc. And if it’s so bad can you or DH not take her to school? Is it really impossible? Perhaps a few days at least to give some breathing space so not every day is a battle. The day DH doesn’t work is my favourite because it’s not a military operation. It’s my job tbh to do everything I can to make their mornings as easy as possible. I don’t think that changes at secondary.

Pythonesque · 24/10/2020 16:42

If the school are reluctant to relax their lateness rules to relieve things, would they instead be able to relax the don't turn up too early bit so your daughter could aim for an earlier time than she needs to be there? Then "help I'm going to be late" can be reframed to "yes I've still got time". Might work for her, might not of course.

Original poster
FlemCandango · 24/10/2020 16:26

Thanks again some really helpful suggestions and the sympathy is also appreciated!

I am going to have a think over the half term week. Which is a good time to re-evaluate and is this week so - yay.

Dd can be helped at home and is,but I agree that the school could do more. We really do not ask for much. Dd needs support in school and if she gets the right help she will reach her potential. They are - I hope - recognising that she will sometimes fall apart, in lessons because she wants to do well, not because she cant be arsed. It is the same with the lateness it is fear of failure that causes her stress.

And yes organising myself is a challenge I don't always succeed at so being family organiser sometimes feels like a bad joke. But we are generally where we need to be when we need to be there, if disheveled and a bit out of sorts!

OP posts:
Wbeezer · 24/10/2020 15:59

Nothing much to add except sympathy, DS1 has the same combo as your DD and always gets stressed about timekeeping and transitions and then gets stressed and sabotages himself. I still have to help him get out the door in time and he's 22! His perception of time is off so he ends up thinking he's going to be late even when theta plenty of time. I agree about using an app or phone reminders to prompt her as that means if you get diverted she doesn't fall behind. (I know all about the challenges of organising kids when you are the one they probably inherited the ADHD from).

Fairybatman · 24/10/2020 15:39

Could DD put her own uniform in the wash when she gets in from school so that it will be ready earlier?

If it’s anxiety related the additional control might help.

Neolara · 24/10/2020 15:32

Does she have a visual timetable of her morning routine? In fact, probably best to have an evening routine visual timetable too that lists all the prep she needs to do the night before (eg pack bag, put bag by front door, take uniform out of dryeretc).

ilovesushi · 24/10/2020 15:26

Sounds so stressful for all of you! Can you have a meeting with the Senco? I think you probably need to get a bit stroppy and lay down the law to the school. They need to make some reasonable adjustments. None of this is good for your DD's mental health and her high levels of anxiety around this are impacting on you all as a family. I truly empathise as I have a houseful of husband and DCs with similar traits. Best of luck!

GrammarHopeful · 24/10/2020 15:09

Many useful tips about improving the morning routine above, but the school is being unreasonable about refusing to make adjustments to a child that has documented SEN. Talk to Senco and take action.

Krook · 24/10/2020 13:41

There is an app called Tiimo (I think) designed for people with ADHD and autism that helps with exactly this. My nephew uses it and finds it very helpful.

Dilbertian · 24/10/2020 13:34

Oh you could be me! It is so familiar.

Favourite hoody - was it only on Friday/Saturday, so dd knows it is available for school.

But the anxiety over being well-thought-of, and over-thinking about detentions and behaviour points must be addressed by the school. They are the triggers and there's very little you can do about it. Her feelings about this are all centred around specific locations and people, and she will our much more weight on what they say about it then on what you say about it.

Speak to the Senco. It's not about saying "my kid is exempt from discipline". It's about your dd working so hard at school, and masking her anxieties to the extent that she is struggling to function. Yet throughout this she continues to work hard. The school need to support her so that she can function to her best ability, not just about get by.

Thismustbelove · 24/10/2020 13:07

Getting dressed first thing and before going downstairs seems the obvious solution? The routine of waiting for a uniform to be taken from the dryer every morning sounds stressful to me.

Is there a quick cycle for the favourite dryer? If it is put into the dryer at 5pm or 7pm - it could be ready before you go to bed? My tumble dryer’s eco cycle is 4.5 hours so if I put it on at 7pm, it would be ready before I went to bed. If you go to bed early yourself, could you pop down to the dryer first thing in the morning and bring it to her when you wake her?

My children are younger but I try not to allow DC1 in particular to go upstairs once they are down. Far too easy to get distracted and lose track of time.

I understand the issue isn’t just the dryer and morning routine and you are already undergoing CBT for anxiety.

Could she be driven to school?

I feel sorry for her tbh. Getting so stressed first thing in the morning must be a terrible start to her day. Every day.

Original poster
FlemCandango · 24/10/2020 12:52

Always shower the night before God the thought of that in the morning 🤯

OP posts:
Original poster
FlemCandango · 24/10/2020 12:51

Thank you all for the replies I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

First - uniform not washed every night but most nights someone's uniform is on an overnight dry. So the uniform is dry first thing but in the dryer still. I try to get washed and dried the night before but when I am working till 5 and DH till 7pm. It is not always done. The kids have sensory issues so there is additional uniform that could be worn but dd in particular has a favourite school hoody that is the right amount of soft. Autism and clothing issues is a thing!

I try to prep and usually things are done night before but not everything always. I don't think dd is the only one with ADHD 🤔

The kids always set off on time! Being actually late is unlikely.

The issue around anxiety and detention is being discussed all the time I do use the what is the worse that could happen approach. But for dd she is desperately trying to be well thought of and have no negative "behaviour points", she gets positive points all the time. All me and DH do is tell them how little we care if they get the odd negative point, how much we appreciate her, how much her teachers appreciate her. This is not a fear of being in a room for 20 minutes it is about anxiety. An irrational little monster that lives in your head. Dd knows it is irrational and then beats herself up for being irrational. She has had counselling and knows CBT methods so she can say the words but it doesn't always help in the moment.

I do my best in other words. But I think I need to do better.

OP posts:
IsurvivedbutdidI · 24/10/2020 12:38

Definitely shower night before too!

IsurvivedbutdidI · 24/10/2020 12:36

May e Kay our her uniform the night before and get her to work through a check list as soon as she gets up so that she feels ready? My son has the same sort of worry so I have his toothbrush stuff and uniform all ready for him. I don't leave it till the end before we go, I let him start that stuff as early as he wants to.

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