DD Year 8, struggling at grammar

You can definitely teach an average child to get through the 11+ with enough work.

Surely that goes for anything, though. Why is the 11+ the only exam where it seems to be considered immoral to give your child some practice? When Secondary schools give extra tuition and revision classes to try to get children up to their target GCSE grades, it's considered to be helping the children to reach their potential, rather than forcing them to punch above their weight.

Yes, passing the 11+ does require some particular skills (which are not taught in state primaries, btw), but that's not to do with ability. If you don't have the ability, then nothing on earth will give you that. If you pass an exam, then by definition, you were capable of passing it, surely? Granted, some will have to have put in more effort than others, but that's so for many things in life.

Definitely talk to school. Don’t ignore it. In my heart of hearts I always knew DD was borderline for grammar and without tutoring would never have passed but as others have said everyone was doing it and we were more relaxed than many ie 45mins per week only not English,maths and 11+ tutors!!

OP my DD was the same as your DD. Very tough year 7 and found it very difficult to make friends too. The friends stuff resolved towards the end of year 8 but the academic struggles didn’t. Her self esteem has taken a massive bashing. We’ve discussed moving her every year right up to the third term of year 9. By then she didn’t want to leave her friends but I massively worry about the longer term impact on her self esteem of always feeling never quite good enough. In hindsight I very much wish I’d moved her in year 8. She’s year 11 now, desperate to stay on into 6th form with her friends but unlikely to get enough points for that.

@HunkyPunk
From reading the threads here lots of people seem to advise tutoring from a young age to get into grammar schools.

@HunkyPunk

To be fair that's not actually true. You can definitely teach an average child to get through the 11+ with enough work. There's actually a huge amount of evidence to that effect - there is also a massive advantage to just living in a middle class home and being exposed to a wider range of vocabulary and reading material (having a large vocabulary and being able to spell is a big part of VR).

I don't think that's going to be a massive issue here though. Even if DD was tutored heavily she won't be the only one in her year who was. It's very very common.

Did she have a lot of tutoring to get in?

What's that got to do with anything? It's a complete myth that you can tutor a child beyond their natural ability to pass the 11+. No one expects anyone to approach any other exam without preparation!!

Oh your poor DD OP and poor you, it must be heartbreaking.

I'm not actually a teacher but have done outreach in schools and have experience with grammars as I live in a grammar area. From my experience what she's feeling is very common. Grammars are full of perfectly bright kids (especially girls) who feel stupid. I remember talking to a maths teacher at a grammar school who said the girls who were probably getting a 6 in maths, a perfectly good grade, genuinely believed they were terrible at maths. It does create a bit of a negative cycle as they can then lack moral - despite the fact they're perfectly capable and in another school would be considered really bright.

Can you speak to the head of year (on the phone or by email) and see what they say. I would also find out from DD what's really going on - has she just had a bad week with a few tough tests or has she been feeling this way for a while. Does she need help with revision technique? Is she organising her homework OK? Is there a particular subject she finds hard? I wonder what the schools ethos is. I do know some grammar schools have a tendancy to scare students into success. They set difficult tests and know they have a bright motivated cohort who will run away and work even harder. They can also have a bit of a sink or swim attitide and don't really support students much. That's certainly not true of all grammars though so hopefully support is available for DD at her school

I imagine a lovely half term break will do her lots of good too.

Absolutely you should contact the school. They can't support her if they don't know she is worrying about this.
It may be that she is doing fine but having a crisis of confidence.
Or they may acknowledge that she's struggling and be able to give some tips and support to help her.
The very last thing you should do is nothing.

Didn’t want to read and run. Don’t have direct experience but it sounds like it would be worth asking to speak to form tutor or head of year and get a read on what they think. She may be happier ridding high in a good comp if there is one locally but if friendships are good could be a tough move. Good luck whatever you decide 🙂

Did she have a lot of tutoring to get in?