GCSE Summer 2020 - Thread 11 Carry on Corona Cohort - Starting New Terms and Settings

It's great a lot of 6th forms provide some sort of sport. There's nothing really at our local 6th form. Ds plays football at lunchtime but only with friends. I think there is a football team though, not sure it's going ahead with Covid.

@Heifer @Monkey2001 ds wanted to do A level pe. He really enjoys the theory side of it. But they said he had to compete in an out of school sport. Sports are fairly limited round here. He was dropped from football as there were so many players competing to be on the local teams. He was going to do it anyway then think about a sport to do. But in the end pe was in the same column as history. He wanted to do that more. It's a shame as he was quite interested in it.

DD has one afternoon of PE a week - she’s chosen an hour of badminton and an hour of spin. Then she’s got Hockey team training one lunchtime and one after school session. Her other sport has been training since June.

Her Netballing friends seem particularly hard done by - hardly any training/matches.

@Heifer - same here, DS doing PE A level but no sport at school. He is doing rugby twice a week and had his home gym, so not too bothered, although he would like to have some school rugby as he wants feedback on whether he would get a reasonable mark for coursework as he has only been playing in a club for 2 years. We are a very unsporty family and he did not "discover" rugby until Y8. He would like to be confident of an A at A level as he is strong academically, but no boys have got better than a B in any of the years for which I have found results data at his school.

DD is very sporty - but there isn't ANY sport to do at school currently - she is taking A Level PE but there it's all theory. No enrichments, or after school clubs running yet due to Covid.

I can barely lift DDs bag some days. They have decent lockers but have been told that they can't leave anything overnight in case of emergency isolation/lockdown issues.

She also is taking folders for every subject - apparently teachers often ask them to refer back to previous work, so filing stuff daily and keeping it at home doesn't work.

She doesn't have a games kit issue as they all have sport one afternoon a week and have to go in wearing their kit on that day due to lack of SD changing areas. She doesn't do any other sport at school.

No lockers available for anyone at DDs school this year. DD has mentioned her bag is really heavy on the days she has all 4 subjects. I think she needs to rethink what she takes (but obviously I'm saying nothing) :-)

Yes to the lack of lockers issues. DS has the usual big bag of books but also sports kit. I discovered sports kit is just left outside one of the buildings which would be almost ok except the grounds are not completely secure (gates open not just unlocked in daytime) and said building is close to the street. Also some of the kit is expensive. I've threatened DS that I will email head of sports unless DS sorts a better plan.

Annoying about no access to lockers ealing and it's the same case in DD's school. We wrote to her head of 6th form explaining that she would be walking to school in trainers and changing to her "office" shoes once in school (no trainers allowed at all as smart office dress only ) and was there somewhere she could put them as she is carrying her shoes in a bag clipped on top of her rucksack. She wrote back and said about the locker debacle as classes are all in bubbles so locker access difficult but DD is no 1 in line for one as soon as they can sort it. Week 3 has ended and no locker as yet so not holding my breath.

But we are on second school g bag and it’s not even end of September 😳

Just a quick response to the queries earlier in lugging stuff around. Same problem here since locker access has been removed. But I noticed her phone camera is now full of work images. Not ideal for all especially if phones not allowed on premises, but I think she uses it as an interim way to reduce load now she is getting used to her timetable/work around days when she’s got multiple bags with instrument in tow.

ah @Monkey2001so sorry to read that. As others have said I am sure he understood. I do understand where my DD is coming from. I can't say it doesn't hurt but I know she loves me (maybe deep down at times) :-)
Love the idea of writing a letter to him. I have to believe that my parents can "see" me now or I struggle. I am a much nicer and thoughtful person than I was when I was teen/20s.. I wasn't horrible but I think very much like DD in that I'm not a natural "caring" person. I have far more empathy and interest now for people than back then.

Thanks for all the support to you all, got some good advice, love "is there anything that I can do to support you through this" approach and Being a parent to a teenager is spending your life 'on call' rather than 'on duty'.

Hugs @Monkey2001. He would have understood xxx

Being a parent to a teenager is spending your life 'on call' rather than 'on duty'. Sigh.

Aw Monkey your dad would have known that it was just teenage outbursts. Please don't keep that regret bottled up. He wouldn't want that. You could always write him a letter telling him (and bury it) and then draw a line under it. Did you get your love of art from him? Are any of your D.C. arty?

@Heifer my dad died when I was 16 and I vividly remember storming at him over his advice on art homework and telling him he was wrong - he wasn't! One of my greatest regrets is that, being 16, I did not realise he was dying and didn't apologise for being generally horrible. Glad you and your mum at least had the chance to have an adult relationship after all those teenage emotions and hormones.

Oh Heifer I do feel for you 💐 Had some times like that in the past with DD and she has said things that she has recently apologised for. Sometimes it is a no win situation.

In the end I went with ‘is there anything that I can do to support you through this?’ approach and had to leave it as that as if I suggested to do something she wouldn’t want to do it on principle . Eventually she recognised that was happening, learned to deal with it and we have moved forward into new phase of relationship now she is an adult. The interim bit is like walking a tight rope.

Thank you so much everyone - It's so nice to be able to offload here. I can't do it in real life as I feel like I would be going behind DD back if I tell friends what she was like.
I don't have my Mum or Dad around any more to chat to. But I do remember her telling me when I was in my 30s and I had apologised to her for how I used to talk to her (sound familiar), My Mum said it was ok, she knew I loved her and that I couldn't talk to anyone else like that so did it to her. I feel even worse now though thinking about that. I LOVED my Mum so much and miss her so much (she passed away when I was 37, an now 52). But I think I must have be horrible to her at times too, not that I can remember really but I do remember our conversation about it.
I just want to help her achieve her goals. She thinks the schools help is enough - but I know they don't tell them everything they need. I found out that Core Maths would be really helpful to her, that Pyschology is accepted as a 2nd science in most unis, that she will need AAB to get into the Russel Group uni she wants to study Biology. Without that help she wouldn't have picked the subjects she is doing, and wouldn't have been able to study Biology at all. I learn so much from reading Mumsnet and the group What I wish I knew about University.
I think I went about it the wrong way yesterday, I should have stepped back when I saw she wasn't responsive. I was trying to get her to take the laptop back as she has been accessing the school info on her mobile and I was trying to say it would be better on the laptop as she could read it all better - but that is what apps is for apparently... Also tried to tell her she needed to be doing 1.5 hrs work for every lesson she has (as the school has told us). She wants me to back off I know but I'm scared if I do she won't get the results she needs from day 1. We have had this in the past, years ago, I backed off, she fluffed a test that had a go at me for not helping her..
I think I need to take the lead from her. I can still research stuff in the background (as she won't) but stay out of her day to day learning. Stop going into her bedroom to chat as she obvousdy no longer wants that.
Just be there when she asks (if she asks) and if she doesn't then fine. She is entitled to her own space.
Still hurts though :-)

It's very similar to the toddler years where "I hate you" tends to mean for this moment only.

Tried to help DS with his maths earlier in the week. He got frustrated with it (and me), yelled and shouted and told me I was explaining it wrong. Later, when we'd both calmed down, I suggested that a tutor he wasn't related to might be better, whereupon he gave me entirely unexpected hug and said "maybe". The bit that does appreciate us is still there in our DC somewhere!

Yes @Heifer it probably isnt any consolation to hear that its not you its them but lots of us are in the same boat. It is truly dispiriting when I talk to me friends about it and they say their teenage dd never screams at them but mine certainly does.

Every time I just try and get through how using words to hurt eachother is horrible and unacceptable. Sometimes she apologizes.

It is enough to make me wish I still smoked tbh.

Oh heifer that’s a horrible thing to have happened. I often wish I had a rewind button on my conversations with DD!

I think Year 12 is often a moment when teens increase their independence - but also when their subjects get harder! Not an easy combination to manage. ‘I want you to reassure me that I can understand this Chemistry, but I refuse to believe that you know anything about it, so therefore I reject your reassurance’. !!!!!!

@Heifer sending empathy. I am another one accused of being a controlling mum, teens are so self absorbed and within the family can be hopeless at seeing things from another point of view. My DS1 relationship was helped a lot when GF moved in during lock down and he was able to contrast the support he had with the affectionate but utterly uninvolved approach from her parents. I felt a lot more appreciated once that sank in.

No particular advice to give but hope you are able to have some good quality time together over the weekend. There is probably another lock-down coming (last 2 weeks of October if we make it that far) so maybe that will be a re-set button.

Everything Anne and wheresthebeach have said Heifer* No A levels here either, you are certainly not alone in that, nor being used as a punch bag now and then. Love has so many ways to manifest, this is the darker version, but nevertheless, still love..and security that she has with you.

I go quiet after the storm. Not shouty, but don’t engage fully either until I know the next conversation has moved from defensiveness to open, and only then, so it’s not one sided terms.

@Heifer Sending hugs. Teens are so volatile at the best of times, and the stress of Covid/lack of freedoms is bound to impact them. They've had stress levels off the roof and I'm sure she's taken her fear and anger out on you (as they do). Falling out with parents will always be preferable than falling out with friends. She loves you, and I'm sure respects you.

Its reasonable for you to sit her down at a later date when it's less raw and explain that those comments were unkind and unnecessary and that it isn't the way the family works.

Heifer Nothing quite stabs you in the heart as the blunt way a teenager says things. They never really understand how hurtful their words are until they are older (and have their own children). You are totally justified to feel hurt and she has no idea that just because you didn't do A levels (I didn't either) doesn't mean you wouldn't be able to support her with her studies and choices. Our DC don't really know how much energy goes into us supporting them - as we probably didn't when our parents did the same - but she will in time.

Have a nice and some and try not to dwell on it as deep down you know she only said it because she feels totally confident in your love and support of her. They'd never dream of saying similar to their friends as friends aren't always unconditional in their support as a mum.