I think I chose the wrong secondary school for my son

@Hellobell it's best to start a new thread. This one is four years old, and people might respond to the original question rather than your new one.

Hey , so we chose our DS a school a land I’m worried it’s the wrong one, he had a choice of a very small one for just primary years or a big one which would continue all of his school life, we chose the small one and now I’m thinking with his outgoing bubble character he would have preferred the larger school, where he would have spent his whole school life ! I’m on a waiting list but chances are it won’t be available now 😭 I thought the small one would be good for more individual attention and less bullying but now after seeing it I feel like it’s too small and cramped ! He is currently in a larger school for kinder.

@iwalkinmyclothing I can never figure out which schools people go to from Levy. But MEA.C massively over subscribed now..

My dc is the only one from their primary school going to the secondary. It’s nowhere near our house and will have a longish commute. Doesn’t seem to be too bothered and I think it will be good for them. I work near the new school which is why we chose it. I’m more worried than my DC is which is probably good I think but we did a reccy around the area today, had a great chat with the man at train station and feel more reassured. I’m hoping the new school opens a new world for my DC. Better to look forward than back.

I feel like we made a mistake when choosing our son's secondary school but not because of friends but because he is a special needs child. We already had a place in a school that is supposed to be good but we got offered a place in a school closer and it's very popular so we picked that instead.
Now I'm not sure it will be better, it's a lot bigger and the headteacher hasn't replied to my email asking about the arrengements for special needs children where as the original choice school's head called us to discuss the situation with us. But too late to change mind now so I guess we just have to see how it goes and hope for the best.

In secondary they all split up into different tutor groups and classes. By relying on you as a taxi he would be missing out on all the local casual socialising that happens after school. It is not like when they are in primary and parents arrange play dates.

You can’t condemn a teenager to a life of being reliant on your availability to drive him about.

He loved the school when you visited. He needs to go buoyed up with optimism (despite inevitable first day nerves) and make local friends.

Does he even know you have put him on the waiting list for a school in your old area?

You are projecting your own fears, which is not fair.

Please do try and keep your anxieties away from your DS as well. For him it will be key to see you are enthusiastic and encouraging. I’ve seen some children who have struggled only because their parents thought they would and that became their mindset.

My dd was the only one from her primary to go to her school, and she is naturally quite shy and anxious. She has made lovely new friends and rarely mentions her primary school friends now, and would not want to change to the school where most of them go!

When ds started at secondary there was only three other pupils from his primary going to the same school as him, the majority went to the catholic high school. We didn't really get a choice because all four including ds would have been turned down if they had chosen the catholic school which was oversubscribed & could have been sent to any school in the city, we had to choose the local school. Ds never has anything to do with the kids who he went to primary with, his friends now are from other feeder schools.

ds(16) isn't close with any of his friends he had in primary. He went to his local primary and secondary and it was good in the first year of secondary that he had some familiar faces, but friendship groups moved about quickly and none of his current group of friends went to his primary.

I would send him to the local school as it will be much better long term if he has local friends and can get to school independently.

Short term does he know anyone, or have any connections at all to the new school? ds and his friends found and connected with dc from other primary schools that were going to the same secondary and played with them on their PS4s or met up over the summer before secondary started. It made the transition much easier for everyone.

Sorry

In fact, dont pm me. I don't know thecschools well enough to com up with any good suggestions

PM me?

It's Levenshulme @Prettybluepigeons, but I would feel an absolute bitch to name either school, there are likely parents and maybe even staff of each on here.

I think being able to get to school independently (which will benefit him for the whole time he is there) is more important than going with friends (which will benefit him for the first half term until he makes new friends and doesn't need the "security blanket" any more).

Both my DC went up to secondary school with lots of friends. None of them ended up in their class (in which 80% of their lessons were taught). So the reality was they made new friends and hung around with their old friends out of school, which is what your DS will do. In these days of social media, it's even easier to stay in touch!with people you don't see!

I walk...can I be nosy and ask where in south Manchester? I am near that area and wondering now which schools you are talking about! PM me perhaps?

@Atadaddicted if it were entirely up to me I would try, but we are in an area of south Manchester where the options are very limited and our choice really would be between the school he is at and the one that drifts in and out of special measures and is really, genuinely rough as fuck. Plus I have managed not to let the dc know the extent of my anger with the school my eldest went to and ds2 really wants to go there! They are unlikely to fail him, he is a rule keeper who works very hard and values education and does not have the plethora of issues and agency involvement my eldest has. It really, really is my problem at this point.

Sorry, OP, this isn't my thread and I'm wittering on like it is.

@Iwalkinmyclothing

Your situation is different
You know this school and it failed your elder son and you hate it
In that situation- I would be looking to move my son

The day my son finished primary school, he and his best friend clung together and sobbed. They were going to different secondaries....most of dd's mates were going to the same school and I had chosen a different one.
He's now in year 12 and wouldn't know that best friend if he fell over him. He has a large circle of close friends and is really really happy.
After the first half term, primary friends fall away anyway and new friends fill the gaps.
Try not to worry, he'll be fine.

Like you we moved house to be in catchment for an incredible secondary and I kept my sons at their old outstanding primary.

Ds1 went up to the secondary with 1 other child, they didn't "play" together at primary but both his Mum and myself agreed it was a familiar face so we requested and they were put in the same class. Ds had new friends at the end of the first week as they sat them alphabetically so he was next to a new person immediately.

Ds2 is errr quirky? think geeky, spouter of random facts, into engineering, science, maths etc and I will admit I was worried. He knew no-one. He made friends in the first few weeks. They are all of a similar ilk and are still all friends in year 9.

Schools deliberately try to break primary friendships in order to give new friendships a chance. Some feeder schools have 80 children going from the same primary! Hence why they try to mix it up a bit.

You have made the right decision. Ds1's best mate kept trying to stay in touch but we focused on the new friends, forwards not backwards.

I'm really unhappy about ds2's secondary school, but I know I am being unreasonable. It was his third choice, we knew the chances of getting his first and second were minimal, it's a decent enough school compared to many and lots of his friends who didn't get in are appealing to go there... but I hate and despise the SMT, especially the headteacher, with a passion that unnerves me. I feel they utterly failed my elder child and that their focus is on the wrong things and their priority will always be style rather than substance. Most of me is relieved he isn't going to the notorious, in and out of special measures secondary school most of his friends have been allocated to (because ds2 is the least streetwise kid you will ever meet and would spend his days in terror; I went to a school that was in the news for being awful and managed 10 good GCSEs so I know it can be done, but it wouldn't be something I wanted for my own dc), but part of me thinks, at least then he would be with his friends and I would never have to think about or be polite to that bunch of jumped up egotistical wankers ever again.

Wrt knowing or not knowing people- as pp have said, that's less of a big deal than you think.

Normal OP and will be great in long run as wont be so reliant on you

Don’t let him sense you’re having a wobble, very important

Honestly, they rapidly shed primary school friends anyway. It seemed like the end of the world at Y6 when they went their separate ways and even though 10 went to ds's secondary, they were all split up in classes and sets. Just finished y13 and none of the primary school friendships lasted much beyond the primary school gates, to be honest. Set it aside.

We were in the same position as you this time last year. We also moved house and kept DS at the same primary, and I felt awful when all his mates went to the same secondary school knowing he’d know no one at his!

Fast forward a year and he’s made lots of new friends. In lock down he’s been in contact with one boy from primary but in contact/gaming with more from his new school. And they’ve made plans to meet in the holidays, which he wouldn’t be able to do as easily if at the other school.

It’s a worrying time but your son will be fine, I’m sure.