11+ or not? Do I let dd have final say?

My daughter passed her 11 plus and went to grammar - we pulled her out after a year. It totally damaged her confidence and one year later things are much better but not resolved. It depends very much the type of grammar you want her to go to. My son goes to a lovely village grammar - my daughter’s grammar as an exam sweat shop. Academically your daughter might cope - but it concerns me you are already say she has mental health issues. I personally think she might be better to be under less pressure at a comprehensive or private school rather than a competitive grammar environment.

Do you know when the cut off date is for the test in your area? It might be that you need to register her for the test to keep your options open. If your DD really isn't interested in sitting the test, then it's not something I'd recommend you try to persuade her to do.

like @Zodlebud says, limit preparation to be just low-intensity familiarisation with exam format and technique but nothing too arduous. the exam will then test her on her own merits and if she gets a place then you can be sure she has the potential to thrive at a grammar. make sure she knows that if she doesn't get a place that's not any proof of the opposite though, as a good grammar will have many times more applicants than places and hundreds of bright and capable children won't get a place. its important to ensure that you don't create a situation where she defines herself badly if she doesn't get a place.

If she passes without heaps of tuition then she will be absolutely fine at grammar. We specifically didn’t tutor my daughter other than doing some workbooks at home to familiarise her with the question types for that reason. She passed with an extremely high mark and I therefore felt confident that a grammar was the right place for her.

It was totally the right decision as we had none of the pressures some of her friends had. Some were doing three hours a day, six days a week through the summer holidays. We did a couple of 10 minute tests every couple of days.

There could be a number of reasons for her reluctance:

1. She has heard about the tutoring her friends are having and she feels it’s too much and not how she wants to spend her summer

2. She is scared of failing the exam and it feels better to just not sit it. Many girls are scared of failure in general

3. She is just scared about sitting an exam full stop

4. She lacks confidence in her abilities

5. Her best friends aren’t sitting it so she doesn’t want to

Or a whole raft of other things that might only make sense to a child. But you do need to listen to her before making any decision. If it’s going to stress her out and you have a great non- grammar option you are all happy with then reconsider.

Just explain to her that it gives her options though. If she passes then she has more schools to chose from. If she passes without lots of tuition then she will be just fine.

We had one child in our class that was so highly tutored she totally flunked on the day, and then the parents blamed the amount of pressure she was under (but then who put that pressure on her in the first place?). Then another child deliberately failed it as they only wanted to go to the non- selective school with their friends. Apparently he marked answer A for every single question......

Neither were great scenarios.