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Original poster

Got 1st choice secondary - now changed our mind!

55 replies

stickygotstuck · 04/03/2020 14:02

As the title says, DC has just got admitted to our 1st choice school. I should be over the moon but I'm just not!

We have been very lucky as are just out of catchment and it's massively oversuscribed. I am very aware there are people out there would give their right arm to be in our position. However, I can't shake the feeling that we should go for our 2nd choice instead (not oversuscribed and in our catchment so should be easily done).

The reasons why it's oversuscribed are because it's an Ofsted 'good' school and gets decent results. But mostly because (1) it has a good reputation going back years which it lives off and (2) snobbery, frankly. Middle-class parents go to great lengths to avoid their children going to 2nd choice school (which is also Ofsted good, smaller but in a more working-class area), 1st choice school has a more middle-class catchment.

We personally chose 1st choice school because:

  • offers 2 languages, which is important for us (except now we have Brexit and no Erasmus program, but that's a different story)
  • larger school and more diverse catchment, so larger pool of friends for slightly quirky DC

The downsides are:

  • requires bus (2nd choice is walkable), which means longer days for DC and having to pay for it as it's technically just out of catchment
  • new friends are unlikely to live locally
  • a lot of DC's school mates are going there. There haven't been massive issues but DC was looking forward to secondary school as new start after their very small primary

Would the downsides be enough to make you go for 2nd choice school instead?

2nd choice downsides are:

  • does not offer two MFL
  • it's smaller and less diverse

I know people are allowed to change their minds and things change. It just feels mad to reject a school so many are clamoring to get into (roughly twice as many applicants as places).

OP posts:
Original poster
stickygotstuck · 05/03/2020 20:26

Disdain, the bus is a major turnoff for me.

Butterfly, that is my main worry about school 1.

TW2013 and that is one of the two attractions of school 1! Funny you ask about the snobbery aspect. I'd say I am snobbery-neutral (not British Wink). I have seen it both ways. Out current primary is hugely snobbish, I never have fitted in really. But then, the local after school club can be inverse snobbish (DC has been known to imitate a broader accent so as not to stand out). I never fitted in there either. I guess DC does fit in a bit better in the primary. Although fitting in is precisely what she is not very good at.

I keep going round in circles, I know!

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CuriousCapricorn · 05/03/2020 20:20

Hi op, we had a different situation but similar in that ds got into the prestigious school that people would sell their granny for. He got off to a decent start and soon went downhill after becoming a victim of horrific bullying which the school tried to brush under the carpet. I ended up removing him and home schooling whilst appealing another school but didn’t win.

I was literally called crazy for removing my just turned 12 yr old with anxiety and Aspergers from such a fabulous school that had over 1000 applications for 120 places.
Best thing I ever did.

He went to a local less regarded school which didn’t have the best reputation but he had good friends from primary there and an outstanding pastoral department.

He flourished from day one and made a huge group of friends who all adore him. His GCSE results won him a load of awards and he’s now in sixth form doing his A levels.

I know it sounds flippant but go with your gut instinct. It’s rarely wrong.

I would go with school B.

Original poster
stickygotstuck · 05/03/2020 20:11

Sotired, for what it's worth I rang school 1 to ask if they had any plans to withdraw or change the languages they offer, explaining that that was pretty much our only reason to choose the school. I was told that they had no plans to change at all (although of course they couldn't say for sure that'd never happen).

I agree that you can't just easily pick up a language at A level, and availability is an issue in most schools.

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Original poster
stickygotstuck · 05/03/2020 20:06

Manyoakes thanks for sharing your DC's experience.
I see the bus as a huge waste of time, and potentially an opportunity for bullying.
Interesting what Nesbit says about it having been good for socialising. DC is quiet and a bit awkward and I can't see it being great for her.

I guess I'm hoping that if we stick at it for say, a term, those things can be ironed out.

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TW2013 · 05/03/2020 19:12

A larger school means you are more likely to find your tribe. It does depend also how you feel she would fit - do you feel more working class or middle class, remember that snobbery can work both ways. Dd is often accused of 'talking posh' because she doesn't have a strong local accent

Original poster
stickygotstuck · 05/03/2020 18:54

Thanks for the new replies.

Nesbit, the change of heart is mostly because the possibility of walking to school and to your friends' houses is very attractive, especially in a place with bad public transport like this one.

Also, as time as gone by it has become clear that putting some distance with her current classmates would be the best. Almost none id them in school 2.

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Butterfly44 · 05/03/2020 18:44

I would go for school 2. It's really tough when you live far from your friends and can't meet socially after school and just hang out. Also with after school clubs etc if they choose to do any. Not all are straight after school and may be start a bit later.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/03/2020 18:22

We moved town to make sure our youngest would go to a local school. After having children get the bus to school we saw this as a massive advantage.

Sotiredofthislife · 05/03/2020 18:16

On the MFL front, the shortage of teachers is worse year on year. The school may offer 2 languages today but don’t count on it as a given moving forwards.

Your DC can always do a 2nd language at 6th form college if they particularly want to

Might depend where you are but it is not the norm to pick up additional GCSEs anymore and no 6th form worth it’s salt would let you do an MFL without the GCSE or some proven equivalent experience with the language.

JamesNesbittsBrows · 05/03/2020 18:14

Id stick with first choice tbh. I think always give your dc the best opportunities and friendships are out of your control.

My dc love the bus and it's given them lots if socialising time and developed good friends there.

JamesNesbittsBrows · 05/03/2020 18:12

Why the sudden change of heart? You must have had good reasons for first choice.
I really wouldn't base decisions on friendships for or against as they are so changeable and fickle.

Manyoaks · 05/03/2020 18:06

Sewing friends outside school proved difficult lots of potential running around. He hates the bus journey so again lots of running around. All of this may have got better if we had stuck it out but so glad we decided not to

Manyoaks · 05/03/2020 17:57

We were in the similar situation choosing a fabulous school riding on reputation. Right from the very start it felt wrong and for many reasons we decided to move DS. We then couldn't get him into his catchment school but moved him to another local school which turned out to be a brilliant fit. Go with your gut feeling

Original poster
stickygotstuck · 05/03/2020 16:26

Thank you Christmas.

You are right, I think neither is of them is likely to turn our horribly bad.
And this: If I was ever even a bit on the fence about a school always take the one with the least places again makes a lot of sense and I like logic Grin

Thanks everybody, it helps to have others look at this from the outside.

Any other experences of a similar dilemma very welcome!

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ChristmasFlint · 04/03/2020 18:01

Chances are neither will be a car crash but if it is with school 2 you'll be stuck. If I was ever even a bit on the fence about a school always take the one with the least places

Original poster
stickygotstuck · 04/03/2020 17:02

Thanks Christmas. That makes sense although of course we'd really like to avoid the disruption of changing school - unless it's a total car crash!

Porcupine, that makes sense, glad to hear your two are doing well.
In DC's case, she would have some people she knows at either school but - oddly for her as she is very shy - she was hoping not to! She is insistent she wants to meet new people.

I wholheartedly agree with her, her current school is a bit claustrophobic. My worry is that if she goes to school 1 she'll know lots of peple, so she'll just hang out with them because it's easier, not because it's better or what she really wants to do. Hoping that since the secondary school is so, so much bigger that will not be the case.

Unfortunately, our public transport is rubbish.

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ChristmasFlint · 04/03/2020 16:16

Start at school 1. There will always be places at school 2.

Porcupineinwaiting · 04/03/2020 16:14

Ds1 and 2 went to an out of catchment school, so didnt move w any friends. They have no SN but are quite shy kids.

How did it go? Eventually fine. Took them a few terms to make friends (they did have people to talk to and hang around w before that, but their eventual friends are different people). Was quite hard at first - but their school has s lot of lunchtime clubs and they made full use of those so they weren't just sat by themselves.

Re: the distance. In Y7 and s8 still mostly hung w old primary friends at weekends but now ds1 is in Y9 has meeting up far more w his new friendship ground at weekends/in school holidays. It means they or he take a short bus ride but he does that every say for school anyway and bus service is good.

Original poster
stickygotstuck · 04/03/2020 16:06

Thanks loobylou.

It's about 10 miles away, but with lots of stops on the way as it passes serveral villages, so a significant chunk of DC's time.

Normally I'd say DC would cope better in a smaller school but, while that was true initially in primary, it backfired in the later years of so we decided to go the other way and go bigger if that makes sense. I think she would take a bit longer to settle in the larger school but am confident that she would soon enough.

I am really not keen on being taxi driver, but most of all we are keen to foster her independence. Getting herself to places is part of that but public transport here is not great.

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Original poster
stickygotstuck · 04/03/2020 15:58

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Did you mean that for me on for SoCrimeaRiver?

In any case, you did not sound patronising to me at all, just well informed Smile!

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loobylou44 · 04/03/2020 15:57

How far away is the 1st choice school?
Both of my daughters go to schools that are a bus ride away over the other side of our city. My eldest goes to a small secondary school and her friends come from all over the area (radius of about 20 miles). My youngest goes to a much bigger school and her friendship group is dotted all over the city. It can be a pain playing taxi driver all the time but on the whole it hasn't affected their friendships.
I would choose whatever school fits your child the best. That's the reason mine go to separate secondary schools (eldest copes better in a smaller school).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/03/2020 15:38

@SoCrimeaRiver - I hope I didn’t sound patronising, about the procedure for swapping schools - I apologise if I did.

Original poster
stickygotstuck · 04/03/2020 15:07

Need to go out for a bit but will be back later!

For those of you with kids not at your local school (our 2nd choice), how is it working friends-wise?

This is the key for me, really: will she make enough like-minded friends in the small, local school? But equally, if she makes like-minded friends in the larger, further school, how easy will it be for them to keep in touch? Knowing our luck, she probably won't make a single local friend!

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Original poster
stickygotstuck · 04/03/2020 14:41

Thanks everybody.

Lougle it's actually school 1 (our first choice) that offers the extra language.

STD DC was initially keen on school 1 mostly because her classmates were going there, until some friendship issues developed. Her chances of getting into school 1 were slim though, so we've been gently pointing out the positives of school 2 if she ended up there. Between that and the friend issues, I think she has been picturing herself in school 2. However, friendships are going better now and with Monday's excitement and everybody talking about the school they are going to, she seems happy with school 1 now as that's where most of them are going to Confused.

As for the actual procedure to change schools, I'll certainly look into it before I even think of rejecting no. 1, thanks. But school 2 is undersuscribed and really should not be an issue. We live semi rurally and children being left without a place is luckily unheard of here, so far at least.

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Original poster
stickygotstuck · 04/03/2020 14:32

Crimea, would you say that smaller is better for 'quirky' (not sure that's the word but can't think of an alternative) DC? We chose a smaller primary and that didn't work out all that well. Mind you, it is very small. The secondaries are ar. 1200 v. 800 students.

DC does have an ability for languages. Just in year 6 so a bit early to know if they'd want to do them later on, but I'd like them to have the opportunity and the basic knowledge to expand on later if they want to. Long-term, I'm also thinking job opportunities.

Theowbh, I am assuming you are being sarcastic? Personally, I feel there is more of a need than ever, it's the lack of opportunity that bothers me. There may or may not be a similar program in the future but right now it's getting cut.

I should also say that we postponed a house move for a couple of years in the hope to get into 1st choice school, which is why we are reluctant to let go.

On the other hand, DC has joined a club in our local town to have something nice to do away from her primary with different children. As it happens, it has just been 'invaded' by kids from her current school. Taking her to the same secondary as most of them are going to seems counter-intuitive.

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