tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

And yes you need to be really positive about where he's going. Don't dwell on how good the lost school is. And reassure him he can still spend time with his old friends.

It's all you can do.

Give him the info. Let him deal with it. Worse to have a day of embarrassing hope, wondering why others know and he doesn't.

You can't soften the blow. So just get it over with.

Sorry 💐

He cannot have held out much hope anyway (I hope you were honest with him on the very very slim chance he had) and ultimately you and him will be fine . I hope you have been positive about the school he was likely to be allocated?

He won’t be the only one

I’d tell him.

My DS did not know anyone in his secondary school. He thrived, and he kept his old friends (as they can meet up at weekends! It is not the end of the friendship to be at a different school )

Tell him in the morning . Not telling him and him finding out everyone else knows will make it a bigger deal in his head.

FWIW I was in a similar boat 2 years ago. I knew dd wouldn't be going to school with her friends. Starting over was the best thing. Not knowing anyone gives you a fresh start you otherwise wouldn't have.

Presumably some of his friends will be in the same boat? Might be good for them to all chat about it together today

Hopefully you've told him this morning. You must have had reasonable expectations that he woukd not get into the oversubscribed school without a sibling anyway. Surely you didn't get yours and his hopes up in the first place.
He'll know you've lied when all his friends know where they are going. It will be worse for him to spend the day not knowing.

Defo tell him this morning. He will be upset but at least he'll be able to hear where everyone else is going and compare. Maybe someone else in his school he knows will be going there and he won't be the only one not to have his first choice. You can't protect them from every upset or allow them to experience it in a bubble, and that's OK. He will be OK.

We just had this with DS1 last year, although we preferred the school he got into, it wasn't where his friends were going. One of his friend's mums was being a massive pain as well going on and on about the friendship group and how lovely it was and how they'd all be together etc, making him more upset every time he saw that friend.

Honestly he has thrived at the new school. He didn't know anyone first starting and it was anxious for him but it's also been great. He made new friends in the first day, the school was brilliant at getting them chatting etc and he has totally changed and matured socially. I spoke to another mum of a girl in the year above who also didn't send her to the school that "everyone" went to, and she said don't worry about the friendship groups anyway. By the end of year 7 hardly any of them are hanging around with primary friends as the groups all shift and change.

We did tell him he could stay friends with his primary friends. It was a white lie because while it is possible (they're all local) we knew it was unlikely they would at that age, they just aren't proactive enough at contacting each other. 6 months later he's not asking or looking for his old friends at all.

Can you accept the offer but stay on the waiting list for the school you want? I did this with my DD and eventually she got in.

Definitely tell him before school otherwise he has to spend the whole day saying “I don’t know” which will feel awful and confusing and only set him up for an even bigger fall when he gets home.

Yep, I’m about to have this. The transport system has changed making the school my dd wanted have more local applicants than in the last. She’s got a place at the same school as her sibling not her first choice of school. However I’m now a little concerned that the policy change on transport means I’ll have to pay for her bus to school (£200 a term!) as it isn’t our nearest school.

It is sad and scary I sympathize with you both but I also agree, don't overthink it. Our DD is in y7 and went to a school with 0 people she knew. She was upset at first as all her friends were going to schools in groups and she was all alone. First couple of weeks were up and down but she's settled so nicely and doesn't even speak to her old friends. It may sound harsh and I'm sure your son can try to keep up some friendships but my DD has found it a bit awk even though they were v v close, and I think that's normal. He will naturally be upset but than will be absolutely fine.
He is v fortunate he gets to make new friends and not get held back by old friendships. So many arguments in Y7 are caused by old friends changing friendship groups as my DD is witnessing now and is v glad she's not a part of it.

If everyone else will know I would tell him this morning otherwise he will spend the whole day worrying that he hasn't got a school. They do get over things but having been there it isn't easy seeing their face crumple. Maybe dh can do it if he is going to be more matter of fact and then you can pick up the pieces.

Definitely before school. They will spend today talking to each other about where they are all going. They then forget about it - it’s only a “thing” in the playground for one day. Leaving it until later will only prolong it.

I had this two years ago. My dd was one of only a handful allocated another school - the rest were boys. She was really forging a new path on her own and was absolutely not a "forging a new path on her own" type of girl.
She has flourished at the new school. Made lots of friends and is very happy.

Please try not to let him see your views of the allocated school. Does he already know you think his sibling (and now he) attend a sink school?

Will you even know before he goes to school.

We don't get an Email until after 9am and my dc school give the Yr 6's letters at school telling them what school they have.

the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t

This is grounds for appeal, and can be successful if there is something the preferred school offers that is important to your Ds that the allocated school does not.

Are you a long way out of the distance criteria, do you think? Make sure you are on the waiting list. There can be a lot of movement,

But meanwhile, accept the place, it will not disadvantage you on a waiting list or appeal to accept.

Reassure him that friends will stay friends

Tell him in the morning but don't tell him this as in all honesty it's extremely unlikely, their friendship circle changes massively even when they go to school with their friends.

Before school. Can you phone another parent before hand so that at least one of his friends can be prompted to be kind?

Early and with a positive spin.

Keep him off school wtf

Even if he had got the school he wanted, within the year he would not be hanging out with the same circle of friends.

You seriously overthinking this, and your husband is right indeed. First world problems.

If you think it's a big deal, he'll pick up on it.

I assume you've been preparing him. He knows he wasn't definitely going to get in that school?

You tell him over breakfast " Guess what! You got into x school, you'll have a chance to make loads of new friends and ....... (think of something positive about school. Does it have a pool or new library) "

Do not start with " You didn't get in to ...."

Honestly it's not that big a deal!

@Seacharts I wouldn’t put it past some....they might assume you’ve already told him

Tell him in morning, he can then start to process it all before school.

Reassure him that friends will stay friends, with social media/email etc much easier to stay in touch. He'll make new friends and then have wider circle.

If he has any hobbies, reassure him that that will stay same. Even if it isn't first choice, it is OK to be disappointed, but you feel positive that this will work out fine (even if you're not sure, keeping a positive spin on it).

In the same boat here op and I think I'm just going to tell my dd in the morning . I know she will be devastated and my heart is breaking for her - but it's best to just get it out of the way.

Hence why I'm awake at 3:15am just thinking about her little face when she hears those dreaded words of the school she is so anxious about.