tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

My son went high school this year picked high school all his primary school friends went to an got it. He longer hangs around with any of his primary school friends not one of them. First week there he made new mates. Explain to him that he will make loads of new mates an all the other kids will be feeling just as nervous an as scared as he is.

There are usually at least three major refriendings in secondary - year 7, year 8 and year 9. It tends to settle in year 10. In my experience with 3 kids, they each had a primary friend in their year 7 class and very swiftly they didn't really see much of each other any more. Friendships are pretty volatile in years 7-10. Your son will be fine, honestly. And he may or may not keep up with the primary friends - my kids did with some and not with others.

The waiting lists change massively over the summer months. The original offer is just the first throw of the dice, as it were.
Good luck.

No advice but please go on waiting list. Slightly different as we are primary but we didnt get our first choice (we are massively out of catchment, it is the only outstanding and we are practically next door to another school which is Ofsted poor though fortunately weren't offered that as we never put it down but a lot of people got schools they didnt even put down in our area) we finally got a place at our desired school in July and dd2 started in September the same time as everyone else.

I'd go with earlier, and reassure him that he'll still be able to see his friends at weekends etc.

My DS1 has just started high school (Australia, different school year) and has known for the last year and a half that he would not be going to the same high school as most of his friends (awful place, in my opinion). This caused him periodic times of unhappiness and feeling "separate" from his friends - but you know what? 5 weeks into his first year of high school and he's made heaps of new friends and he still sees his old friends at the weekends, especially because 5 of them have started a band together (they're really pretty good for 12 year olds!!)

So focus on that - that new friendships WILL happen, and that he will still be able to see his old friends outside of school as well.

I hope you told him and he is OK :)

DS2 is distraught about his school offer and I have been doing the bright smile through gritted teeth thing, "it's a good school ds2! You will do brilliantly there!" whilst wanting to scream and bang my head against the wall. But it won't help him to know I am almost as disappointed as him, so I will keep being massively positive about it, hope he has some friends at primary who have also been allocated, and get him on waiting lists!

🍀. Best of luck to you all.

Tell him.
Presumably you had already talked to him extensively about the chances of him getting in were slim? Because he has sibling at the other school. So this won't come as a shock?

Hopefully you told him before school, for all the well-expressed reasons given up thread. I agree with @MrsNoah2020 - don't patronise him and pretend it's a wonderful surprise to be going to the other school. You can focus on the positives whilst still letting him feel what he feels. I think as adults none of us likes it when someone tries to jolly us into pretending to be positive about things. We need to be allowed to say what we really feel, and then we can move on to looking at the positives.

I’d tell him beforehand. It’s his news and his future and it seems wrong to keep it from him but obviously he is your son and you know him best so you have to make that decision

I agree with people saying that friendship circles change dramatically when children go to secondary so from that point of view it probably won’t be as bad as you think.

Definitely after school

Do the teachers find out?
We don’t find ours out untill after 9am, I don’t want a teacher tell my DC before I do

You tell him over breakfast " Guess what! You got into x school, you'll have a chance to make loads of new friends and ....... (think of something positive about school. Does it have a pool or new library)

Please don't do that. It's incredibly patronising - he is 10, not 2; he's not stupid - he will know you are pretending and it will make him mistrustful of you. It also denies him the right to his natural feelings of disappointment. Let him express his feelings, then help him focus on some positives.

I agree with not showing him that you think it's a big deal from your point of view, but don't deny him the right to feel upset. It is a big deal when you are 10.

I agree with another poster that it's sad, but you should tell him now.

Tell him now OP, sorry he didnt get his place:(

Forgot to add I would tell him, if he gets chatting to his friends at school about it he might just assume he is going there too, making the dissapointment even worse.

Don't keep it from him.

Sorry OP, it sucks. Going back an undisclosed number of years, ahem, I found out that for some reason I had got into a different school to all of my friends, being a shy child as well it was my worse nightmare. Obviously I cant make you promises or you shouldn't make them to your son, but it worked out great. We did remain friends (and still are a few decades on), and I made friends at my school and met new people through them; if I could go back despite being devastated as if it was the worst thing in the entire world I wouldnt change it now. Hope it goes okay.

Some of his other friends may also be offered the alternative school, so I would mention it before school. How certain were you of getting the preferred school? Was it a total shock not getting it, or did you expect it?

All his friends will be talking about it. He'll end up going through the day knowing something is up as he hasn't heard. Don't forget, you can appeal.

His primary school should be able to tell you the number of children who are going to the school your son has been allocated just not who those children are.

There will be transition days in July and sometimes extra ones for children who are coming from schools where the numbers are low.

Both my sons went to a secondary school that none of their friends went to, but we did choose it so they were completely prepared. Of my sons, Ds1 is quiet and I worried about friendships, Ds2 is quirky and so I worried about him more. Both of them made friends very quickly and retained those friendships, Ds1 is now in year 12 and Ds2 is in year 9.

Due to geography we didn't live close to any of their primary school friends and to be honest I pushed to develop their new friendships, forward rather than backward. This will obviously be different for you if the primary school friends live close by.

Put him on the waiting list for the other school and find out what position he is in.

Very important to be upbeat about the school he's got, however you feel about it.
If you are positive about both the school and the fact he will make friends, that will help a lot. He will take a lead from you becaue he will trust the way you respond, even if he also displays upset.

So don't make this morning about fact you can go on waiting lists or it's not fair or anything like that. Presumably, if you knew this was a risk, you have already prepared him anyway in terms of being positive, so this will be a case of 'well we thought this might be the outcome didn't we, and there's lots of positives about it, even though it's a bit disappointing'

Schools where we live are a nightmare now. We've got 2 grammar schools. Then 3-4 mixed ones.

15 years ago you got into any. Now only 50% of kids get into the main academy here. Loads of kids go out of town. Most are the other end of town for us 40 minute walk ...

I'm sorry your son didn't get into the one he wanted. I would tell him as he might be anxious all day if everyone else got told. I am dreading these days with my kids. I don't think many get what they want.

Tell him first thing.
Get your name on the waiting list - my son got in from at least position 25 on the waiting list to what was the "most desirable" school in our town. People do move, change jobs etc.
Appeal - appeals are not held on the grounds of space or who else is appealing but: is the harm done to your son by not going to school X greater than the harm done to the pupils at school X of having an extra pupil. Any reasons other than "all his friends go there" or "I think its better" can help push that balance.

But being honest is far more important than any school he goes to, long term. You really don't want to give him any grounds not to trust you as you go into the teenage years.

Earlier. He will be devastated so don’t add you lying or keeping it from
Him into the mix. Plus schools are well used to these situations and will know the best way to handle the day for him. Feel for you