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Original poster

tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

110 replies

Seacharts · 02/03/2020 02:06

If I tell him I’m the morning he’ll have to go through the whole school day devastated. His small friendship circle all have siblings in the school he wanted, so they’ll all get in.

My son has a sibling at a different school to the one him and his friends all want, so that’s the one he’s been given.

If I don’t tell him in the morning (pretend I haven’t received email yet) I could get an idea when he comes home of which of his friends are going where and maybe (unlikely but hopefully) one of them got allocated the same school as my son.

But then he’d also know I was fibbing about not getting the email because all his friends mums already had.

Give him the pain and see if his friends can support him through it, or delay the pain and take the full brunt of it when he gets home?

Husband is dismissive saying it’s a first world problem and son will ‘get over it’. He doesn’t understand how important son’s friendship circle is. Nor that the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t.

OP posts:
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JamesNesbittsBrows · 02/03/2020 21:29

He'll be ok. Just keep reasonably upbeat, while allowing him to vent his disappointment.

Do not allow him to blame his sister. This kind of thinking can become entrenched and build long term resentment which us spectacularly unfair on her even if it helps him short term.

Allow yourself to vent but then build a list of positive points about the new school and repeat them to yourself ad nauseam.

Much of life is what you make of it. Your ds will be fine.

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 17:15

If the school was undersubscribed you could have a place for the asking, op.

Trampoline · 02/03/2020 17:14

It is 1713hrs and we are still waiting for school offer!

StrawberryJam200 · 02/03/2020 17:09

Yup, appeal, we were successful - and go on the waiting list. Some of the places allocated for really good schools become vacant when a few little darlings gain a place at private school; people move, change their minds - all sorts can happen in 6 months. Including that the sink school starts transforming in an exciting way/ he falls out with a couple of friends and feels relieved he’s not going to be around them from September.

disappear · 02/03/2020 17:01

I would encourage you to appeal. I have won three appeals, one for DS1 and two for DS2 (primary and secondary). DD didn’t get her first choice secondary school but was allocated the same one that her brothers attended. In June, we got a call offering her a place at her first choice. I didn’t realise she was even on the waiting list.

There is hope.

prh47bridge · 02/03/2020 16:16

I was going to appeal but don't know if I can with it being over subscribed

Yes you can. All appeals are for oversubscribed schools. Just under 25% of secondary school appeals are successful.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 02/03/2020 15:44

Would it actually reassure him to be told that he will probably break up with his current friends anyway?? I can see how that would be reassuring for you OP, but it's not a message I would tell him at the moment...
Focus on good points of the new school, and emphasise how it is ok to be disappointed but sometimes in life i'm failing to think of a better phrase we have to suck it up.

Nonnymum · 02/03/2020 15:27

I know you say you don't want to put him on the waiting list but if you think the school is better for him it might be worth asking the LA where he is on the list. I have known several children get into their preferred school from the waiting list at our very over subscribed local school because sometimes children move house, and some parents put their children's name down but then decide to send them to private school or just change their minds for other reasons.

TW2013 · 02/03/2020 15:23

I think that the thing with appeals is that other than sleep and a full head of hair, what have you got to lose? There were 4 girls in a similar position, three appealed for a school, the fourth parent decided not worth it but was then annoyed when the other three girls won their appeal. Would you be annoyed if you find out that a friend appeals and gets a place even though they were lower on the waiting list? I wouldn't even necessary tell your son if you do appeal but it is worth considering.

Nonnymum · 02/03/2020 15:16

I'm sorry your son didn't get his first choice but I don't think it can have anything to do with his sister being at the other school. It will have helped him to get into his second choice to have a sibling at the school but won't be a reason he didn't get his first choice so please don't let him blame his sister.
Do the childeren who got into the school have siblings in the school or live nearer to the school l. I know when a school is oversubscribed they measure the distance from the house to the school if there are more children in the catchment than places.

SW16 · 02/03/2020 15:15

How will it help you to know why you didn’t meet the criteria

Knowing the distance they measured your house at, and knowing the last distance admitted could help you ascertain if there had been a mistake in the measurement, and also give you an idea of how close you were ...so if you were 0.3 of a meter past last distance it would give you an idea that you had a very good chance on the waiting list.

Because 'last distance' often increases considerably as the waiting lists move.

OP, I hope your lad does come to feel better, but if you think the other school is better suited, I can't see the harm on putting him on the waiting list. That isn't a stressful thing to do.

Itwontrainallthetime · 02/03/2020 15:12

Same has happened to my ds, his preferred school is oversubscribed so they have allocated him a place nearest to where we live. He has SEN and he probably will just about cope with going to his preferred school but I don't know how this will effect him as he has lots of anxiety, and if his friends have all got into his first choice he will be very upset.
I'm about to break the news to him when he comes out of school.
I was going to appeal but don't know if I can with it being over subscribed.

LouLouLoo · 02/03/2020 15:04

I would certainly explore the possibility that’s a mistake has been made. Not because of friendship groups but because you feel it is a better option academically.

His sister would have bumped him up the priority list for his given school, but this would only be looked at once it was established you didn’t qualify for admission into your preferred school.

prh47bridge · 02/03/2020 14:59

And indeed, if the school is better suited to your son's abilities you may have a decent case for appeal even if there is no mistake. It won't be as strong as it would be if there is a mistake but it is still potentially winnable. Secondary school appeals are much easier to win than appeals for admission into Reception.

Original poster
Seacharts · 02/03/2020 14:57

I could do @prh47bridge as I know you have experience with this topic, thanks. I am curious

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Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 14:56

Best of luck 🍀

Original poster
Seacharts · 02/03/2020 14:56

I don’t wish to make an appeal @timetoshine, there’s no grounds for it mistake or not, the school is massively oversubscribed anyway. The post is about soothing his worried brow. Which I’ll be starting on in about 5 minutes on the school run Blush

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 02/03/2020 14:54

Up to you but it sounds like a possible mistake to me. I'll be happy to check the admission criteria for the school concerned for you if you want to PM me the name of the school and LA concerned. But fully understand if you just want to walk away from this.

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 14:53

There doesn’t have to be evidence of a mistake to raise an appeal, op, that what prh47 has just explained to you 🤦🏻

Original poster
Seacharts · 02/03/2020 14:53

@Thisismytimetoshine. Hmm OP knocked it on the head two years ago when daughter started, don’t worry. He was well informed of likelihood of sibling link allocation.
This post is about how to soothe the worries of the boy over his disappointment.

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Original poster
Seacharts · 02/03/2020 14:51

Thanks @prh47bridge I don’t consider this a mistake and won’t be appealing, not least because there’s no grounds for it. There is no issue here just curiosity as to how everyone in his class except him were offered the feeder secondary. I’ve done to death the overthinking needle in haystack stage of researching allocation criteria etc. with my last child (although that was primary school) and I’m definitely not wasting time and mental energy doing that again Grin?

Son will have to suck it up, and I’ve no doubt he’ll make friends as his shy sister did eventually (after intervention from pastoral care team), but it’s a shame he didn’t get the school that better suits his abilities, regardless of whether his friends are there are not.

Thankyou for views everyone 👍

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Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 14:48

So do I. More so because op should have been clued up enough to know it was nonsense and knocked it right on the head.

Spied · 02/03/2020 14:43

I feel for his sister being used to burden the blame. Poor kid.

Burlea · 02/03/2020 14:31

In the last 3 years I have had 4 grandchildren go to senior school. 1boy and 3girls all have changed their friendship group. They now have some old friends but more knew ones.

prh47bridge · 02/03/2020 14:25

Re why you missed out, they are required to put that information on the letter they send telling you that you didn't get a place at your preferred school. Some LAs are better at this than others.

The fact you are equidistant from the preferred and allocated schools isn't relevant in figuring out whether or not they've made a mistake. The question is whether you live further away from your preferred school than his classmates. That is central to figuring out whether or not a mistake has been made.