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Original poster

Seeking views of parents who have boarded their children at schools

61 replies

coughcoughcoughcough · 22/02/2020 17:14

Hi
I know that boarding is a contentious topic and I am looking for views of parents who have boarded their children at schools recently please, or professionals working within the education or children fields who can offer a professional viewpoint please.

My daughter (13) really wants to board and knowing her as I do, I know she would thrive. She would give everything a try and be on the go as much as she wanted.

She's now been offered a couple of places for September. Both are great schools with great pastoral care and would suit her.

But.....now the offers are in, and I look at the actual logistics and implications , I feel sick at the thought of it.

She is my only child, and I am not well (MS). I do depend on her to help me at home as I am a single parent. The likelihood is that during her tenure at boarding school, I will die. The school is two hours away by car. By train it's longer and involves a change that I can't really manage, and I won't be able to drive at some point so train may be my only option.

It's too far for me to go there and back in one day to watch her eg play a school netball match as I do now to the local school.

So for me to go and see her at the weekend or for her to come home (after Saturday school), we would only have 4pm Saturday to about 4pm Sunday together.

There are also attractive boarding trips on at the weekends which she will want to stay in school for.....so I envisage that sometimes I will see her once every three or four weeks for 24 hours.

That's not much for anyone, let alone for a mum who knows she is unlikely to see the end of my daughter's education.

Both these boarding schools have similar set ups. Even the closest boarding school to us is an hour each way, but the closest ones didn't really suit her.

The alternative is that she goes to independent day school near me; she has a couple of offers for these as well. They don't actually suit her as well as the boarding schools do, and she wouldn't get the social and co-curricular activities that he would get at boarding school because I am not well enough to take her. Local day schools also involve a commute for her of an hour each way.

What would be your views on this situation? I want - and she wants - to remain in the independent school sector and I had a critical illness cover which paid off the mortgage so that's not too much of a factor.

I am concerned mostly about her welfare and education; how would she feel if she hadn't seen me for a month and she saw a real deterioration? Or if I died while she was away at school? Would she carry guilt with her about his sort of thing? But I am also concerned about my welfare and how much she helps me and how much I would miss her. I would feel bereft, lonely and scared. Try as I might, I can't get over this feeling now that the offers have made this all real.

Please be kind.

OP posts:
TalaxuArmiuna · 22/02/2020 18:00

this is a difficult situation and I sympathise.

but tbh the very fact that you said you rely on her for care means that it is probably best that she should go. its not good for her to be combining caring responsibilities with her education - she needs space to grow and thrive without that adult level weight on her shoulders.

the best thing you can do is find ways to manage without her and never let on for a moment if things are trickier with her gone. she needs the freedom to find her own path.

Original poster
coughcoughcoughcough · 22/02/2020 17:57

Thank you to those who have replied so far.

I am of course aware that it is a selfish decision to try and keep her with me. She helps me a great deal physically. But also emotionally; life is really hard emotionally and I would appreciate it if posters could try to place themselves in my shoes for a minute before saying I am selfish. Imagine you have a terminal illness and have been dealing with it for ten years and trying your utmost to do the best my your children before saying I am selfish. Like I said, pls be kind.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 22/02/2020 17:56

PS I also know lots about boarding, DH is in this area and my DS is flexi boarding one night a week at the moment, after literally months of begging. For the right child, and especially when it is led by the child, it can be an absolutely wonderful experience and a lifeline in times of trouble to have a home away from home.

Xiaoxiong · 22/02/2020 17:53

I'm so sorry you're ill Thanks I appreciate you're in a hugely difficult position. However I would approach it like this - and apologies for the plain speaking but it is cards on the table time - if you know you are likely to die in the next 5 years wouldn't you want to see your DD settled in a wonderful boarding school where every opportunity is afforded her before you really go downhill? If she is in a day school and you are a single parent what is your alternative for when you need more and more care and eventually do pass away? I think this is the time to see her fly the nest - a few years earlier than if you didn't have MS but she will learn independence and be in a caring pastoral environment sooner, with you there to support her settling in, and you'll be there on the end of a phone, WhatsApp, FaceTime every day for years. She will be at home for long holidays (usually a month at Christmas, 3 weeks at easter, double half term in Michaelmas, 8 full weeks in the summer). You might actually see her more than if she were at a day school!

And I say this as someone who has had someone very close to me decline extremely quickly and then pass from Ms in the last year so I know how unpredictable and difficult it can be. You may just have to make the decision that is right for her for when you go downhill, rather than what is right for you both now.

Much love to you both - you are a wonderful mother, your love for her and wish to do best for her shines out of your post Thanks

NotYourHun · 22/02/2020 17:51

What will happen to your DD if you pass away whilst she is at school? Who would be responsible for her, and would feed still be covered?

Railworker · 22/02/2020 17:41

I think for the right child, modern boarding can be great.
You seem to have thought things through and it sounds as though your daughter would have a lot more opportunity and a less restrictive life if she takes up her offer.
Does the school have a transport service? The one my child attends runs escorted trains and coaches for exeats and is much more useful than I imagined it would be. So possibly worth investigating?
Good luck with your decision - v tough choices here!

user1480880826 · 22/02/2020 17:32

Why is she so keen to go to boarding school? What specifically does she like about it?

I hope this doesn’t appear insensitive, but could it be to escape the stress and pressure of having to care for a sick parent? If it is that, then perhaps there’s more you can do to relieve the pressure so that she doesn’t feel the need to move away?

Does she fully understand that you won’t be able to visit her and you may die before she finishes her school career? She needs all of the details so that she can make an informed choice.

whyisitsocold · 22/02/2020 17:28

You say you rely on her to care for you and that's one reason why you don't want her to go. I appreciated you have a difficult situation but that seems a selfish decision. If your daughter wants to go to a boarding school, and you can afford it, then let her go to the school she wants and stop restricting her.

Original poster
coughcoughcoughcough · 22/02/2020 17:21

Thanks @TulipCat .

I have thought about doing that. The trouble with that is that I would have no friends locally then. As a single parent I do rely hugely on my friends for help, lifts, pepping me up etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
coughcoughcoughcough · 22/02/2020 17:19

Sorry for typos! It should say she not he!

OP posts:
TulipCat · 22/02/2020 17:19

What an incredibly difficult situation to be facing. Would it be possible for you to move closer to her preferred school?

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