Seeking views of parents who have boarded their children at schools

Do you think it would be worth speaking to your consultant about your prognosis? And what support in their experience you will need?

It's very rare for young people with MS to have such a fatal prognosis so you must have other factors which impact on this. They might also be able to arrange psychology support as this must be heartbreaking.

I have to say I disagree with the majority here. I don’t think I would send her to be honest. I would go for one of the day schools unless you are able to move closer to her.
I just think that although she doesn’t know now that you may pass away before she finishes school, she will realise later that you did know that. And although I appreciate it’s a selfless and brave thing to give her that opportunity, I wonder whether looking back she will wish she just had more time with her mum? Time is precious. Memories are precious. And your daughter will rely on those precious times to get her through losing you. She will also feel for the rest of her life that she spent all the time she could have with you and helped you as much as she could. Better than the risk of her feeling guilty? If she only has you for such a short period of her life, I would imagine she would want to make the most of it. Instead of boarding school fees could you get some private paid help in to lessen the workload for her? Even someone to chat to to relieve the emotional burden? I wish you the best.

do you find that term time goes quickly?

It’s not exactly that it goes quickly, more that parents/children/guardians pretty much take up residence on the motorway or on a train. (Prep School was a bit of a shock to the system - home at least every two weeks plus endless extracurricular reasons to visit.) At senior level they’re home roughly every three weeks, sometimes a little more or less frequently. And there are ample opportunities to visit, take them out for a pizza, watch matches or concerts or whatever - depending on your own fitness and inclination. And yes, she will probably be free to FaceTime you whenever she’s not actually in lessons.

Teens naturally want to spend more time with friends and less with their family anyway, as they get older. This would be true even if she went to a day school - don’t imagine she’d be at home gazing adoringly at you at 16 if only she were at the school up the road!

Are you not feeling bereft sometimes?

Nope. You miss them, of course. But it’s such an adventure, and they’re doing new things every day and you’re so delighted that they’re happy. Also not a day goes by without requests for money, clothes, sports kit ... Boarding is quite a lot of work for families.

Despite your prognosis you may be surprised by how much you become caught up in her school life and the shared interests and (possibly) camaraderie that grows amongst parents. You may even find the whole thing fun ...

@coughcoughcoughcough could you have a joint session with that child psychologist to help your daughter and you think through the options together?

Sorry, X posted so I see you have answered some of my questions.

It seems that your gut feeling was to seek a boarding school for her for all of the very positive reasons - particularly the support she will get during your illness. It sounds as if, if you and the school can make this work, that that is still a good thing, if you can also find ways to ensure that you get practical support, have the opportunity to talk a lot to your dd, and stay close emotionally.

Lots of crossed posts here but I see others have had similar ideas.

Another thought - is FaceTime acceptable at boarding schools now? The vast means we have of staying in touch with people wherever they are has hugely changed in recent decades and I’m would hope the school would be understanding to the circumstances.

Could you both go to a couple of sessions of counselling together to work through this decision?

My mum became terminally ill in my later teens. It was just the two of us, no dad or siblings about. I didn’t have the opportunity of boarding school but I think if I’d been offered it I would have thought I wanted to go but then felt awful once there and certainly awful after mum’s death.

All I have wanted since her death is more time with her and I kick myself for the times I missed. But on the other hand maybe I would have coped worse without those times I took away while she was ill. I just don’t know and I can see how hard this decision is for you.

I think your daughter needs to be helped to make an informed decision alongside you in a supported environment.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I’m sorry about your health and the situation you are in.

If moving closer is not an option could you afford regular hotel accommodation nearer to the school so that you could spend more time with your daughter when needed? Also perhaps look into the cost of occasional long distance drivers that can be hired for one offs.

I think that your daughter will probably benefit greatly from having a settled, happy second home at boarding school if you are not likely to survive until she finishes. However, this is assuming her fees will be covered until she finishes school and provisions are in place for where she will go during the holidays. As much as you want her with you as much as possible now, boarding school is likely to give the independence and a secure safe setting to enable her to flourish in the rest of her life.

Oh my goodness. What a challenge you have to face! I hope that you have rl people to support you emotionally, but also know that you can come on mn and talk about you/build up a network of online support too.

Some practical questions: if the worst happens, financially, would your dd be able to stay at the boarding school, if she chose to? The worst thing would be for her to lose you, and then to lose her school/support network too, so it would be essential to know that she was funded until 18 if the worst comes to the worst.

I am an older mum, with little or no family support and have prepared carefully for the what-ifs. DS1 did go to a fabulous school, which was not right for ds2, but I know that I would have been a lot more at peace, knowing how happy ds1 was at school and what fabulous support he would have had. That gave me a lot of peace of mind, in anticipating how they would cope if he worst came to the worst.

Can you cope practically without your dd with you on a day to day basis? Or can you plan how to cope, if you do decide to let her go.

Have you talked to the schools about your situation? Would she have the option of skyping you daily? It would be important for her, as well as for you, to maintain close contact. You do not want her to feel that you have sent her away, and for her to feel cut off. Would the school facilitate visits/cut her any slack and let her have a longer break at weekends now and then on compassionate grounds? Talk to them. They would need to manage this carefully in your daughter's best interests too.

Remember, if she does go away to school, she will have longer holidays and fewer local friends, so you may well have a lot more quality time with her in the holidays if she does go, than if she is at a local school.

In the end, however, I cannot imagine how you feel, or how you will make this decision. All you can do is reach out to make sure that you are well informed, and that you are doing the right thing for you both. You both matter, enormously. Best of luck.

Honestly?

Boarding is ideal for just this situation. Your daughter needs the regularity and stability of boarding - without the day to day worry - at 13 - of looking after you, however much she loves you.

And, if she were at a day school, how much disruption would she face if you don’t get to the end of her school years? Perhaps you have family members living close by, but otherwise she might face having to leave a day school for purely domestic reasons.

I don’t think you need fear that you won’t see her. Boarding pupils spend an enormous amount of time at home. And while it’s true that exeat weekends can be frustratingly short, you do get used to the rhythm of things. Might it be possible for you to spend a couple of nights in a hotel near her school occasionally?

One thing you might do is find out from the school if any other pupils travel at least part of the same route and could share the journey with her sometimes. (This might happen organically once she gets to know people anyway.)

And, of course, I imagine you’ll need to look into getting or increasing outside help for you.

I do completely understand the negatives you’re seeing - but if you can be happy for her you’ll be doing a great thing.

The horrible thing with MS though is there is no real rules- you equally may be ok for many more years, or may deteriorate- I don't think it's fair to assume you won't survive the next 5 years unless specifically told this. Your daughter wants to board, your had her as your career up until now. She knows the impact her going will Have and wants to go. Would this mean services could be put in place as you no longer are relying on her? If you think you are better suited to staying where you are, then why not try for a year? Both of you can reassess after that. This doesn't need to be a permanent decision, but she does seem to want to from what you're saying.

I would let her go and give her a place she is settled so that if/when you are no longer there, she has some continuity. I am so sorry - an incredibly tough situation for you.

That’s a really tricky decision. It would be incredibly freeing for her I think, to be away from her caring responsibilities/role and I think you should give it a go and work out some way of replacing her support with paid carers if needed. School might also be a good source of support for her, if you do die whilst she is there. Can you plan to spend the weekends near her school rather than bring her home for 24 hours? Some of my children’s friends families do this because it’s too far to travel on exeat weekends.

I have been thinking about this. For background, I went to a boarding school four hours away from home, and my mum had beast cancer whilst I was there. She is fully recovered now, thank goodness. I found the feeling of being powerless to support her very difficult whilst I was at school, and I think you're right to consider the effect of this aspect of your illness on your daughter. I don't think there will ever be a right answer. Offering your daughter the best opportunity you can, though, is a wonderful legacy for you to leave her with. Perhaps the best thing would be to go with the best fit school and see how it goes. Forgive the sensitive question, but I imagine you have appointed a guardian for your daughter in the event of your death before she is 18? Would they be able to help either her or you with the logistics ahead of that time?

💐