Boarding school mums - how do you cope?

Agree zefi.

I have a very good friend who works at the boarding school I went to, she was a couple of years above me and has worked there most of her working life. She loves the place, she loves the ethos, but even she admits that she feels sorry for some of the kids, basically because they may not be there for the 'right' reasons, or they are unhappy being a long way from home.

I dont know, I dont want to knock boarding for those who feel it's right, but I would say this: as a small child I always knew I would go to boarding school (due to dad's job). So I went, knowing it was the norm, and for the most part I made the best of it. Some bits were brilliant. But, it does most definitely change your relationship with your parents, simply because you learn to live without them for long periods of time. Whether you think that's a good or a bad thing is up to you.

Not all, some of them love it, but some of them are clearly not just cut out for boarding.

happygardening - the only thing I would say is that, when it comes to the decisions we make for our children, every parent, whatever the circumstances, will justify these to the hilt. How many times do we hear, “Mine are in a state school because I want them to mix with normal people / it was good enough for me, etc etc.” It’s partly true, but it’s also partly about parents desperately reassuring themselves Look at the endless SAHM / WOHM threads on here, where on the one hand, there utter horror that tiny babies are in nursery for 10 / 12 hour days, while others insist that their children “thrived” in such scenarios and they know this because, “Look now they’re 18 and doing fine.”

I guess the point is, is you went to a failing state school or baby nursery, you wouldn’t necessarily feel damaged by that because you don’t have experience of any other type of childhood for comparison. You only know what you know. Same with boarding school. Similarly, people (like me) can have very dysfunctional families, but may well be totally oblivious to how this has affected them until something suddenly causes you to question this “normal”.

It's really hard at first. It's hard when they go back after a long holiday. But you soon settle into a new routine and get get used to it. It's been a very positive experience for our family but the school was very close.

Not to mention technology has changed things.

yolofish Im sure you had a different impression from that of your mother but I think things have changed enormously between parent and child. In many families communication is more open parents listen to their children and take their views into consideration much more than they did when I started working with children 35 years ago. Children are no longer “sent away to board” most parents I know spend a long time thinking about it before making the decision, the stiff upper lip culture has gone from many boarding schools, not only do parents not want their children to be unhappy and are quick to remove them if they did neither do boarding schools. I’ve seen patents of very homesick children be advised to remove them from a school and send them to a day school. Boarding staff are trained to look out for any unhappiness counsellors and therapists are now the norm at boarding schools. Staff rather than keeping their distance are more relaxed and informal than those found in day school they work hard to form meaningful and supportive relationships with their pupils. I worked for 6 years in the boarding sector generally I saw happy relaxed children the vast majority were having a time of their lives they knew that they had very supportive loving parents and also supportive caring staff around them both who are dedicated to their welfare.
No one suggests it’s right for all but it’ can be right for many.

Dd boarded for 6th form. It was fine. She has friends who boarded from young, 7 or 8, they are pretty screwed up and emotionally detached. 11 should be the absolutely youngest any child should be allowed to board and then only weekly (island communities etc it's essential for secondary)

Sorry posted to soon underpinning it that frustrates me.
I now work extensively in the state sector I could quite easily come on here and make lots of negative comments about the things I see and details how I think the way state education is currently organised is having a signing effect on many children’s mental health but I accept that many believe in their choices and that my comments would be inappropriate and likely to. Abuse considerable upset.
As parents we do what we believe to be the right thing for our DC’s few decision are clear cut especially when it comes to education there are many factors that we take into consideration when we choose a school. I work with some pretty inadequate parents but very few parents who hi couldn’t care just because parents who couldn’t less about their children’s welfare. Just because parent A thinks boarding wouldn’t work for their child it doesn’t mean that it won’t work for the circumstances that parent B and their DC find themselves in. Instead of criticising we should respect other parents decisions.

Hmm. I understand that people choose boarding for a wide variety of reasons these days - not so much family tradition for example, but to do with talents/opportunities. And I'm not knocking it per se.

But what I do wonder is how many of you who are parents of boarders have seen your children reach the age at which you started boarding (presumably a fair few), or perhaps are older - eg grandparents and talking to your adult children about what boarding meant to them, how it affected them?

I didnt dislike boarding, although was dreadfully homesick at times. DH hated it. We both agreed we would never send our kids to board.

My now deceased DM and I had a lot of discussions about boarding when she was in her 80s and me in my 50s - it's fair to say that we had very different impressions of the parent/child experience.

I totally agree that people are entitled to their own opinions. But when people who don’t know anything about boarding or know the parents of children who board or the children themselves who board state categorically that boarding will cause a sense of emptiness, that their emotional intelligence will be affected and their relationship with their family will permanently damaged I can’t have but time to it. If people said I would worry that boarding will cause X Y and Z or if they read comments from parents who give a different perspective and said I can see it works well for you and your DC but I don’t think it would work for me and I personally don’t like the idea that fine. But it’s the black and white statements with no evidence

By the way - my dd has bounced around various types of schools including state schools, a private day school, and now weekly boards. She is now the most settled, happy, calm and balanced she has been since starting school. It's all about getting the right school for the right child.

Actually OP, there is a relevant point clevud is making. Not the one I think he/she meant to make, but relevant all the same.
As a parent of dc who board, part of the emotions you will likely have to deal with is other people - often strangers - will try and tell you that you are damaging your dc etc as clevud thinks. You need to learn to ignore these often upsetting remarks as they know nothing about your family. I am sure you have thought long and hard about making the choice of schools, and I hope it works out well for you all. It is hurtful though when people like clevud spout on about stuff they know nothing about.
It isn't easy for parents, and comments like clevuds are just spiteful and designed to make you feel bad. Rise above them and watch your dc thrive at boarding school. Most dc have a great time. Mine are!

I've got used to facing prejudice. I don't take it personally any more. And I try to select wisely who to talk about certain topics (though not always successful!). A lovely mum I knew for years once said to me people becoming gay was caused by mental health problem so it's 'fixable'. Also, according to her, young girls who wore a short skirt and make up were sexually inviting all the men around them. 😶 Even loviest people can be bluntly cruel and naive when they talk about something they don't quite know and beyond their imagination, especially if they tend to like labelling or are insecure? So I take that people who are against boarding are not necessarily attacking me personally so it doesn't hurt me. Free to have an opinion.

My eldest gets even more annoyed than I do with unsolicited advice about how we’re failing our children by sending them to boarding school.
I casually mentioned boarding on Facebook once and got a lecture from a stranger. Ds1 sent me this straight after

There are so many different reasons why a parent may choose a boarding school, we aren't all the same. Just as parents of state vary, and those of private.
We aren't conforming to peers, or carrying on tradition. Until mine went I'd never even met someone who attended boarding school, just wasn't on our radar at all. Coming from a low income, wc background wouldn't have considered it as no way could we ever be able to afford it. The fees are more than we earn

OP, I had a lovely support thread going a couple of years ago and if you entitle the thread "SUPPORT thread for boarding parents" (or similar) it should be left alone by those who want to derail.
We talked about all sorts of boarding school life and as interesting.
I loved the labelling discussion, we had quite a laugh in places too.

So now clevud quite a few parents with children at boarding school have come on here and say their children are happy, they have excellent relationships with their parents and are well adjusted emotionally intelligent
adolescents/young adults but you say this is not true. What evidence are you basing this statement on or are you saying we’re all delusional?
As Drabarni said not all of us are in a position to send our children to day schools and provide all they want to do in their spare time.
And as for “conforming to peers” or doing what our mothers did neither of those reasons applies to me or many who parents who I’ve met over the years.
I suspect like many on here who write such negative comments about boarding you really know nothing about it, you clearly don’t have children who board so how can you?

Ah , OK so the question is how do you you cope with emotions with children at boarding school ( or indeed as OP phrases it )

They don’t They pretend you’re ok and ignore all questions about it even when you’re 50

Don’t have a dog and put it in a kennel.

@basiliskstare not sure what question. Don't see any questions in Drabarni's comments. My children go to day school. I see them everymorning and when I come home at 6. And I spend every weekend with them. That's it. Nothing special, just life'routine with its ups and downs. Little crisises and little joys.

Have Pmed @thekidstaxi and a wave to HappyGardening

@clevud - you are not really answering the question are you? - each to their own - & do not try to write on both sides of the paper at once. After all - our children may end up with the Mrs Joyful prize for Raffia work ( memo to self - tell ds about sense of emptiness in his heart ) Ha ha ha

Enough - back to the point

My dd would be most insulted a random person on the internet seems to think she has no family because she boards at school.
What a weird presumption.
I bet I see more of my child than you do, unless of course you're a sahm.
Do you not use nurseries, schools, etc. Are your children with you every minute they aren't at school, because mine is.
I disagree that my child would be happy in the local school that couldn't begin to cater for her needs and aspirations, or goals, or ambition.

Yes, I do miss her terribly, I wish she hadn't gone tbh.
When you have a child so desperate for a place in a particular school, they work hard, pass lots of exams to gain entry. Then come back and tell us you've denied them the opportunity.
Because I couldn't be so selfish tbh.

Not sure why you do this to yourselves and your children. Family is the most important thing to grow and develop into a decent, caring and emotional intelligent human being. And yes, it's tiring working full time, taking them to swimming in the evening 4 times a week, doing homework and reading to them. Not to mention the rows. But it was my choice to have children and we are here for the good and the bad times. You are missing a big chunk of your children's life. For what? To conform to your peers? Because you did it and your mother did it? So you can perpetuate that sense of loss? Don't cheat yourself thinking 'my child is happy', yes probably they are, but children would be equally happy if they went to the local school or a day independent. And believe me, they'd develop equally well. Most importantly, don't go against your instincts and tear yourself away from them. That sense of emptiness will be there forever in your hearts and your children's, and ultimately will affect their emotional intelligence and your relationship.

TheWomenTheyCallJayne that brilliant news.

Hi Drabarni I can’t believe it’s 6 years either brilliant news that your DDs is happy and her career is thriving.
Over the years of being involved on boarding both my DS’s and for work I’ve met very few parents (who live in the UK) who think you should only see your DC’s during the holidays. I also agree that teenage boys who boards frequently will hug their parents in front of their mates without any embarrassment.

@happygardening
Also wanted to say thank you. I'm under a different name but you really helped me work out what's what and what to do for the best quite a few years back before I even started this malarkey. The Ds I was asking for help with is now doing his A levels and doing well.