Boarding school for DD but not for DS

OP, does your DS have an EHCP? How is he getting on at his current school?

I ask because my DS1 has complex autism and numerous other challenges. He was in mainstream (with 1:1 support) until Year 6, when he moved to a specialist school and became a weekly boarder there. He has been incredibly violent towards DS2 and that’s why we decided that he would weekly board. To start with he accused us of “sending him away”, and we certainly felt guilty of this, but actually it’s been life changing for all of us. DS1 has ‘found his tribe’ at his specialist school and is more contented there and doing better than we ever imagined possible. They’ve taught him life skills so that he feels better about himself and we all get on better as a result. He’s now in Y9 and at the beginning of the school year the boarding house closed due to not enough interest in boarding. We were all worried about how our family dynamic would be affected and DS1 was heartbroken as he loved boarding so much. But....he’s doing amazingly as a day pupil, in spite of a lengthy journey twice a day, and he and DS2 have developed the most beautiful relationship with only very occasional brotherly thumping. It’s certainly not all sunshine and rainbows but I did want to share our positive experience with you, because boarding has helped DS1 so much.

dear Atomic and HoHo, could we form a sub-group, kind of mutual support and encouragement. not to wallow, but I felt moved by both your contributions. can't really explain what I mean, but it feels real.
anyway, thank you for your sharings, also some spot-on points made by NoMoreCleaning. good luck to you n yours all.

Boarding has made it easier for me to give my two children individual attention, and allowed them to go ahead and forge their own paths. In your situation I think you may find the drive to and from school very valuable talking time. My eldest, who has boarded longest, has found home is a more effective break from school because work is done at school and home is more completely free when she is there. Now with exams she is having to adapt to more study at home but this seems to be working fine.

@AtomicRabbit thank you for that. I don't think I did hate it, but I do think I was damaged by it.

I’m sure the op is doing that for DS.

Interesting discussion. I think the most important point made by PPs is the one about her genuine feeling, rather than just intellectually understanding, that this decision is made for her benefit and not for yours or her brother's. I think in practice, this is really difficult to achieve with a child who's been a young carer all their life. These children almost inevitably have to sublimate their needs and wants to their sibling a bit more than other children do, however hard we try, as parents, to prevent that. Honestly I would try to get some advice from a young carers' charity or similar.

I'm no fan of boarding. I also think the damage it can cause tends to hit quite late in life. At 18 or even 25 I'd have said it was "fine" and I "thrived", just like parents of current or recent boarders tend to do. Having my own children made me increasingly uncomfortable with it, but it hit me like bulldozer when my own children turned the age I'd been when I started boarding. Proper breakdown stuff. My mother maintains it was what I chose, so it wasn't on her head. I feel that is way too much to put on a child that age. The buck stops with you, not her, if she does end up feeling like she's been pushed out of the family.

Thinking about my own experience, as a boarder with a day schooled sibling, and knowing my NT 12 year old who has an autistic sibling, I don't think I could be confident enough that we could really ensure she did still feel as wanted and loved as her brother. (Sorry for the insanely long sentence.) I'm sure others will disagree. My parents, as parents of a day child and a boarder, for a start.

Another caveat I'd add is that it's easy for us to say she can always change schools, but that can feel like an utterly terrifying leap to a 13 or 14 year old. At that age it's all about fitting in. Moving from a boarding school to a day school is that much more of a leap than moving even from private into state or vice versa, because it affects the "culture" and structure of your whole world. As adults we can see the bigger picture and I think it's very easy for us to underestimate how hard a leap that could seem to her. I'd worry that she'd be likely to stick with the devil she knew, even if she were unhappy.

There are no easy answers. I think it partly depends on your home and how well you can meet her needs at home, keep them apart etc, with her brother there.

Boarding, particularly flexi-boarding, can be a fantastic experience for some children. My DS was a flexi-boarder, DD wasn’t - both through choice. They attended the same school. There were other families with similar set ups. Neither have resented the other.

I also know 2 students with siblings who have ASD who boarded during the week. Although not perfect, it was a positive choice for the families in difficult circumstances.

My son attends a special school and i know a few families where either the special needs child or their siblings board once the special needs child reaches a level where they affect their siblings education and well being and in each instance it has worked out for the best for them.

Do what is right for your family, unless posters have a special needs child they don't quite understand the issurs that can lead to such a decision. I would let DD board if it was her decision and we could afford to

Is there some way your DS can sometimes go and stay with relatives, residential weekends etc? Then your DD would get some 'home' time with you independently of your DS.

I think that your DS is more likely to be the jealous one. I would do it, yes.

I think this sounds like an excellent plan for your daughter. My only caveat would be that she needs to understand fully your thought processes and know that she can change her mind.

Growing up, I had a cousin with severe special needs and behavioural issues which affected his whole family. I feel sure that if his younger siblings had been offered the opportunity you’re offering your daughter to get away a little and forge their own paths, they would have jumped at the chance.

As one who grew up in fear and disorder and shame with a violent ASD sibling, I would have welcomed the chance to go to boarding school. As long as your daughter is excited, I can't think of a better thing for you to do for her!

Only do it if she really understands why, and wants to go. Make sure she really is happy and your ds is too.

Would he understand why he’s not going?

I suppose it depends on the age of the children. In the teenage years I wouldnt say that ensuring someone goes to bed on time and eating etc is thr bulk of the parenting. This is much more thr case for a young child.

I have 3 other children who do not board and I feel they are all parented by me. Parenting a teenage is a lot about guidance, making time to support their interests, encouragement, direction and role modelling, I don't generally see this has been delegated by me in any way.

In some ways sometimes it would be nice to have a shared parenting model but I haven't found this to be true in the case of my son. It can vary of course depending on the situation.

@flickeringcandle45

Absolutely, no home situation is ideal (sorry I was trying to give both sides and might have come across one sided). I meant for many children home is a sanctuary from the stresses of school because however grumpy they are they'll still be loved and usually they feel more able to be themselves without feeling judged.

at home children are unconditionally loved so feel relaxed

In an ideal world maybe - but that is not the experience of many children. Often parents are absent for long periods of time and relationships with siblings can be very difficult.

Where a parent is ill, where the marriage is not going well, where a sibling is a bully, or has severe learning difficulties or behavioural problems, the atmosphere at home can be hugely stressful. In these circumstances, boarding in a structured, controlled environment is a blessed release.

I think it's fairly obvious that HM (along with other members of staff) are doing some of the parenting while the kid is at boarding school. They would hopefully be checking the DC were eating OK, getting to bed on time, not looking unwell, giving them hugs if they needed them, being an adult presence as they go about their everyday lives. Obviously they're not making the important decisions or having big discussions with the DC over Skype or being a constant in the kids lives etc that's the parents. Likewise parents who homeschool their kids do more than parents whose kids go to school.

Im not saying HM's etc. are replacing parents they are usually working with parents but I don't think its unreasonable to expect HM etc to care for the children in their care.
Again in my experience as someone whose worked in boarding schools most HM's Ive worked with also support their pupils at times when things go wrong at school as a parent would. I've seen HM's care for support advocate and even fight their corner for pupils who've got into trouble in school even thought they know what they done is wrong. I know off children who would have been expelled but their HM has fought their corner for them and stopped it.
"Things like does the child look a bit down, what do they spend time doing, are they making the most of their interests, do they need something on a given day."
When I worked in one boarding school I used to attend a regular weekly meetings where the HM and other house staff discussed all this sort of thing. In particular we were looking out for children who might be a bit down and what were they spending their time doing. Many of the pupils would say they couldn't talk to their parents but could talk to house staff. One particularly dedicated HM followed his pupils interests closely even enabling one pupil to pursue his interest outside of school by driving him there once a week. Matrons worked hard with children to organise them ensuring that that had whatever they needed on a given day especially when they started boarding. This school has a reputation for being caring and having high standards of pastoral care I can see why now after reading the above. Perhaps my experiences are unusual?