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Original poster

How to approach bursary issue after child already has place

82 replies

WayneJohn · 15/12/2019 10:37

Hello I'm wondering how to approach this issue?

Basically I earned a very good income from around 2006 or so and sent DS (who is in U6th) and then DD (now Y8) to private school.

For whatever reason everything was in cash so there is no property or whatever that could be sold now that STBXW & I are divorcing.

Anyway, the decree nisi drops in a couple of days and after that the financial agreement can be made. The issue is, well, there is in effect no money left, ok some tens of thousands of pounds but it's essentially an irrelevance given that the cost of DD's remaining education (Y9-Y13) would be ~£100k (she is currently at a prep school and has a place at a different school next year), and that stbx earns minimum wage more-or-less, and has no prospect of even affording her home counties rent and other basic living expenses without government help, let alone being able to make a contribution to private school fees.

As far as my contribution goes, tbh I should have left my wife about 8 or 9 years ago, but only really found a way out after moving to Asia, where I have been resident for 3 years now, and where my income is quite negligible in UK terms due to lower cost of living.

So anyway this is a slightly rambling introduction but as far as I can tell there is not necessarily anything specifically in the divorce paperwork about educational arrangements, but as stbxw is to be on Universal Credit at some point in the future (i.e. after her capital is below £16k) then it seems like we would have to consider that the current school year is the last of paying school fees, which is fine in respect of DS as he is going to university, but not so much for DD as she is 5 years younger.

My question really is how and when to approach the school about this? I feel that DD would be an asset to the school but they perhaps do not know this as they do not know her! She did not do particularly well when she applied to the school, as her grandmother had died the previous night so was quite upset.

What kind of things would they ask for and expect to give out a full bursary (or nearly so, if my parents could make some contribution)?

OP posts:
Wheresthebiffer2 · 15/12/2019 21:42

some state schools are excellent. just sayin'. it's not the end of the world.
Due to circumstances changing, we had to move our DD after Year8, and she coped, and is getting on fine in her new school. Admittedly this was a move from one state school to another.

IceCreamFace · 15/12/2019 21:25

@WayneJohn

There's something very weird about this entire situation, putting school fees to one side surely you want to live in the same country as your young daughter if it's at all possible. Especially as her mother is apparently not even a fluent English speaker. You don't need an employment history if you've been running a successful business which has been paying for two sets of private school fees. Why would you need to bring a women from Asia back with you - are you currently in a serious relationship and even so surely your daughter is the priority? I think having her dad on the same continent would be more of a benefit than stumping up for private education.

LolaSmiles · 15/12/2019 20:02

You have no employment history for 10 years
You said you were previously earning decent money
... But you have no property and everything was done in cash.
You've said you were betting.

In a nutshell it sounds like you've been unemployed and gambling for years, or you've been doing cash in hand work and not declaring it.

PettsWoodParadise · 15/12/2019 19:36

OP all the concern you express seems to be about the impact to you financially if you return to the UK, not about the potential for a few short years to redeem the situation of your DD’s education (and your relationship with her!). I have never been so appalled at someone’s selfishness before. Once a parent, always a parent. You give the impression they you have decided geography and ease of career absolves your responsibilities.

When my DH was made redundant and DD was in private primary school I did two jobs, some writing and sewing, I was doing a 70 hour week plus travel. More than one of these jobs I hated, made me tired and didn’t help my health, we rented out our dining room to made ends meet until a better point in DD’s education came to pass and we could make the right choice with her and not throw her education to the wind. DH ‘decided’ he couldn’t do anything. It has severely damaged DD’s relationship with her father as a result.

OP it seems you have three choices, 1) avoid any responsibilities, 2) take some minor responsibility by passing the buck and asking the school to step in (which they may not) 3) or return and work in a job for a few years at the very least that will resolve the immediate problem and then give you time to review, not making excuses about rent costs etc

IndecentFeminist · 15/12/2019 18:20

What a very odd concern. If you came back you don't have any friends to support you? You'd need to bring a woman back with you? 🤯

Original poster
WayneJohn · 15/12/2019 17:11

Thanks for the replies.

The prospects of moving back to the UK are very dim. If I did that with another woman from where I live, then she would need a visa, I would need a job (I have no employment history for almost 10 years), housing, etc. just to even get in the country.

If I came on my own I don't have any friends or anything to support me, and I'd need to pay rent, food, bills, child support, and also come up with £20k/year for school fees out of post-tax income. I don't know quite where that gets you in terms of a salary but £60k or so? No chance.

I have contacted her current school to ask them for advice about how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 15/12/2019 13:32

I do think you need to consider moving back to the UK and supporting your younger child. If you refuse to do so then just accept the fact that she won't get the same education as her older brother. By all means contact the school with regards to a bursary but it's a long shot so you need to take responsibility for the fact that in removing financial support your DD will likely have to attend whatever state school has a place for her.

LIZS · 15/12/2019 13:31

This is why if you plan to fund fees from income you need to keep a year or so buffer in easy access savings. They may help U6 but unlikely y8 as they could fill place and is not so disruptive a time to move.

PotteringAlong · 15/12/2019 13:29

Sorry, just realised she will be going into year 9, not year 7. So you need to contact the council and they will tell you which schools have places available and you can go from there.

PotteringAlong · 15/12/2019 13:27

so perhaps it would be best just to contact the school now....

Well yes, because if you don’t get a bursary you need to know now so you can apply for state schools for her for September 2020. And you will need to do that ASAP because the deadline to apply for a state place for September 2020 was last October.

cakeisalwaystheanswer · 15/12/2019 13:26

I am going to rewrite this OP from the mother's prospective.

"I have been left in dire financial straits by my XDH. He never had a proper job the whole time we were married but made a decent living as a professional gambler. We have no assets but spent his earnings putting our DCS through private school. He has now relocated to Asia and my youngest DD is due to start at a new school for Y9 entry in September. It has been a very hard few years for DD since her father has left and I now no longer think that she will be able to join her friends at the private senior school unless she receives a substantial bursary. I work full time on NMW and have no qualification to improve my earnings. This has been a very difficult time for DD, is there any point in asking the school about a bursary?"

Thus phrased most posters would then reccommend that the mother contacts the school and hopes for a favourable response. So OP apply in your X's name and hope that there are some spare bursary funds about. I am refraining from adding to the personal abuse of your behaviour because I am trying to be practical about helping your DD.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 15/12/2019 12:49

I've read all your posts.

Yes, you've hung your DD out to dry here. Poor girl.

You reap what you sow. I expect your relationship with her will be shit going forward when she realises you prioritised yourself over her well-being.

Seeline · 15/12/2019 12:45

Realistically, you need to contact the new school now. IF they say no, you still have some (but limited) time to try and find a place somewhere else for your DD to start in September. It would be totally unfair on her to start a new school and then have to leave after a term.

You need to contact the local Council relevant to your wife's address to see if any state schools have places for Sept 2020.

I think you have left it too late for private schools. Those that have 13+ places will have already had the entrance exam, or will be having them just after Christmas.

You could ask her prep school for advice?

Original poster
WayneJohn · 15/12/2019 12:40

It also doesn't sound like your daughter is a high flyer they are going to want to keep. 🤷

She came top of her year in English & French, she's also good at singing, sport, and is very personable which I guess counts for something.

With our financial circumstances there is some cash which we will have to legally divide, with most going to STBXW. I am not completely sure about the rights and wrongs of the current year's school fees - DS is doing Pre-U and has ASD so I don't think there's really any question other than paying his fees, which would be £15-£16k all in for the remaining two terms..

DD's Easter term fees are due now so that would leave the Summer term at her current school. She has a scholarship and no add-ons so her fees are less than half her brother's so they are not such a big deal.

Anyway I would be able to pay DD's Christmas term fees myself for her new school out of whatever I was left with but I don't know beyond that, so perhaps it would be best just to contact the school now....

OP posts:
Original poster
WayneJohn · 15/12/2019 12:19

Honesty, I'm not sure many of us will have sympathy with the idea you can only do a job you're fulfilled by...

That's not the issue here. At the time I set up this business, it wasn't clear how much money I would make from it, and we still had plenty of cash in the bank so it wasn't really a more unreasonable decision than taking an expensive holiday or whatever else. It is a legitimate business and one could earn £££ from, it just turns out that it's not particularly successful. I didn't at any point say 'I'm going to stop earning money and collect beer cans of the world' or something similarly useless, it just happened that as I started pursuing this business I had less time for my previous work and also ended up as a permanent resident overseas.

At this point I have been legally resident in Asia for several years, the work (betting) I used to do in the UK is illegal there, so it's not really a question. Also my former line of work involved betting, and lots of models and assumptions that are not necessarily valid any more, I have no idea as I haven't kept up with it, not to mention capital. I also used to work in IT, which I haven't done since 2010 so I'm not sure how relevant my skills would be there.

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 15/12/2019 12:18

I work at an independent school which offers bursaries. In these circumstances we would encourage you to apply for a bursary, and if their are funds available, and you/your ex are eligible, you would get one.

It is like filling out a tax return: income, equity in properties etc. Debts do not get taken into consideration. Don't try to hide anything, they will find out. The person who is responsible for the fees fills out the application.

I would ring the Admissions dept tomorrow, and tell them you may need to withdraw your daughter as you are no longer able to meet the fees, but would like to try and apply for a bursary. It happens a lot, they will help if they can. They won't want to disrupt your daughter's education if they can help.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/12/2019 12:11

Are you paying any maintenance to your wife?

Why should school pay for your children when you don’t seem to be paying/looking after them in any way?

As others have said bursaries normally go to the ones who do well in the exams, and would go hand in hand with a scholarship.

Original poster
WayneJohn · 15/12/2019 12:03

Why can't your ex get a job?

She has a job, I explained that.

The circumstances are not that hard to understand, surely?

NMW = £8.21/hour, or £15k/year.

30th percentile rent for her area for 3 beds is more than £16k/year. LHA is below that because of several freezes under the Tory/Coalition governments.

NI/Income tax is 32%. Universal credit is withdrawn at 65%. Her minimum pension contribution is 5.8%. As I understand it UC is calculated on actual earnings, so her retained income is (1 - 5.8%) (1 -32%) (1 - 65%) = 22.4%, i.e £1.84/hour, so if she works 10 more hours a week, that's £957 per year, which makes no dent in school fees.

How can you have no money left?

See rent above, add in £40k/year school fees, living expenses, no meaningful income since 2015.

Your wife needs to be the one applying for the bursary on account of the fact that she and the kids have been deserted. I'm horrified at your lax attitude towards your obligations. What a cunty thing to do to your own children.

I didn't desert her, she finally asked me for a divorce after cheating on me for 8 years. She is financially illiterate and speaks English quite poorly, and I think she was poorly advised on the idea of getting a divorce, thinking that it would improve her living circumstances, as she then said something about my pension, which was obviously something a friend had advised her about, which is ironic as she has a financial salary pension whereas I never really made any significant pension contributions due to my work circumstances so hers is better than mine!

Obviously the divorce is in no way going to improve her life which has to date been spending exactly as she pleases without any conception of the true cost of living. But at some point ones decisions have consequences, hers included. I married her when we were 19 years old and I had just started uni so I had basically never lived on my own and really couldn't conceive of it even after she started cheating me, it was only really by accident that I did by starting up a business in her country.

OP posts:
Daisydoola · 15/12/2019 11:44

The fact you chose to change jobs because it wasn't fulfilling won't make them very sympathetic.

You can ask but I would be looking at other options with a matter of urgency for your DD

TrophyCat · 15/12/2019 11:41

So you have prioritised having an emotionally fulfilling but low paying job over a job that pays lots of £££ but didn't make you happy. That's absolutely your choice but having the family earn far less money will obviously impact the choices you can make for your children in terms of having the ability to afford to finance then through university and private school.

You have 2 options

Take both DC out of private, explain that it is just not a financially viable option and that their standard of living will go down.

2 return to a high paying job.

LolaSmiles · 15/12/2019 11:41

You can't afford private education.
You've gone off to the other side of the world to be fulfilled.

Personally I'm intrigued as to how you want enough to fund private education, but have no property and then for whatever reason everything was in cash. Were all your assets and income legally declared because it sounds very much like cash in hand with large sums of money.

IndecentFeminist · 15/12/2019 11:35

In another country, leaving your kids behind.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/12/2019 11:34

Honesty, I'm not sure many of us will have sympathy with the idea you can only do a job you're fulfilled by...

IndecentFeminist · 15/12/2019 11:32

It also doesn't sound like your daughter is a high flyer they are going to want to keep. 🤷

SurpriseSparDay · 15/12/2019 11:30

But these are decisions you have made. You haven’t said anything that suggests your daughter’s school should pick up the slack.