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Secondary education

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Original poster

DH and I don't agree on secondary school

191 replies

WillowSummerSloth · 15/11/2019 12:26

Our eldest son is in year 5 and we have been considering secondary schools. However we have different preferences and we're not sure how to resolve it. There's no arguing, just a difference of opinion.
I prefer the private school- the curriculum is broad, the sports offered are amazing, the behaviours is great. But there's the huge financial burden as we have 3 kids and we'd definitely have to make cut backs or work more.
DH feels the local secondary school is good enough. They're strict with behaviour although there are still incidents of fighting and the lessons we observed felt like there was low level disruption in some classes. However DH thinks we can supplement their education with tutoring and after school activities.
For context we earm £170k and have £110k in savings specifically for education (gifted by parents for school fees)
Please can anyone advise?? There's no right or wrong I know but I'm chewing this over constantly. I feel the private school would definitely give a better experience but it comes at a cost. Also DH worked so hard for so long and really isn't keen to take on more work. I could work more as currently only do 3.5 days but I also do all the life and child admin which is hefty!

OP posts:
RedskyToNight · 15/11/2019 13:04

I wouldn't want to pay for private school if it meant reducing my standard of living dramatically (which is sounds like it might for you). The money you pay for private school can pay for lots of enrichment type activities and also tutoring if you think your child needs it.

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 13:03

no you dont need to find one who suits all 3 that is unlikely to exist

Hoppinggreen · 15/11/2019 13:00

As I said previously my DH went to a (really good) State school so thought that all state schools are pretty good. Once he realised that wasn’t the case he became more determined than I was that DD should go to the Private school. Just because your DH had a good experience it doesn’t mean your child will, they are different people and (presumably) different schools. You need to consider YOUR child and THOSE specific schools. In DDS case we wanted her somewhere being a “swot” was a good thing and not mocked ( again , talking about specific schools not state vs private)
It was a much easier decision for us though because the Comp is very bad, the Private school is very close, DD was offered a part scholarship and we are in Yorkshire so fees not too bad

Original poster
WillowSummerSloth · 15/11/2019 12:59

DS is really bright but slightly lazy. He seems to be able to do things without too much challenge but only ever does the bare minimum. His behaviour is excellent. He's a really good boy. DS2 is probably not as bright but works super hard and also very well behaved. DS3 is a fire cracker. Very bright and determined. Jury is out on behaviour as yet as he's only just in reception but he's definitely the fiestiest of the 3. So we also need to decide on a school that will suit all 3.

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 15/11/2019 12:55

Depending on where you are, secondary private school fees can go up to £30,000 a year. Granted, you are unlikely to have all 3 at school at the same time, if at all, but even so.... that's a LOT of money.

In our case, my DSs went to prep school and due to unforeseen circumstances we were forced to move them to state school. Apart from the sporting opportunities, the state school was better for my DSs by a significant factor. The larger classes ended up being better, they found a cohort of students that were at a similar level and were able to properly compete. I think private schools are not always the best for your 'middle of the road, can do well with a bit of application' students.

Original poster
WillowSummerSloth · 15/11/2019 12:49

My parents were also OK with the money being used for university. So as long as it's used in some capacity for education, they're OK with that. DH would never ever try to fleece them of a lump sum!

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 15/11/2019 12:47

I would suggest as the 110k was specifically given by parents to help with school fees then that is what it should be spent on, and if it can’t be it should be returned. Mention that to your DH - my guess is he likes having the lump sum but it’s not really his money.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/11/2019 12:45

on that salary go private, hardly going to need to tighten your belt.

I wont be able to afford private school for my child, but I went to a private school and work in a company where we have had many school leavers as interns. I can tell you now its not about "intelligence" but it has been evident, from i guess "confidence", the people that went to private school and those under the state system.

Original poster
WillowSummerSloth · 15/11/2019 12:45

The private school definitely offers a better curriculum and extra curricular. DH would counter that it's not just about school experience but our lives for the next 13 years as there would be lots of stuff we couldn't do because of fees. We are used to 3 holidays at least per year/ skiing / weekend breaks etc. and they would have to be stopped. We also have a high mortgage and outgoings Inc. charitable donations so we'd have to review all those things too. I just don't know what is for the best. Please keep all opinions coming. We're reading them together to try to see if there's anything that sticks/ clicks with us that could sway us one way or another.

OP posts:
LucileDuplessis · 15/11/2019 12:44

We’re the same as you - I went to private school (on a full scholarship) and had a positive experience there, while DH went to state school and also did well there. Our DC are at state secondary school and are doing really well, but only because the state schools near us are good - we’d have gone down the private route if we felt it was necessary.

It’s a tricky one OP. But so far (eldest is year 9) I feel very positive about our decision.

AveEldon · 15/11/2019 12:43

3 kids - £20K pa for 7 years each = £420K without inflation

Save your money for University fees

Seeline · 15/11/2019 12:40

I agree - forget about state/private and just try and work out which school will suit your DS best. Which offers his favourite subjects, which offers extra curricular activities that he would enjoy, what are the options at GCSE, what are the journeys like etc.

Also, don't assume that the school which suits your DS best, will be the best option for your other children. Are there any other options which would be worth visiting for comparison?

What are the entry requirements for the private school? Is your DS likely to pass any entrance exams? Are you other children? If the private is selective, how will your DS cope in such an environment?

Original poster
WillowSummerSloth · 15/11/2019 12:38

Hi, yes I went to private school but DH didn't. We have visited both. DH agrees the private school presents better but thinks that he is the way he is now because of his state school. He feels he can relate to anyone, is more down to earth and it taught him to think for himself / seek out what he needed to know. He's keen for the DC to experience this because it worked out well for him.
I also had a graat school experience. We had some amazing teachers, the work was interesting. We're lucky that we both had positive experiences that we're keen to replicate.
Really grateful for any opinions and advice.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 15/11/2019 12:34

Did either of you go to Private school?
I did but DH didn’t n DH’s quite a negative view of them - until we started to look at Secondaries for DD and he was shocked by the local Comps and blown away but the 2 Private schools we visited.
Unfortunately the State option open to us was pretty bad, if there had been a good State option we would have considered it but I wouldn’t send my child to a school that I considered “good enough”
Visits both schools, see what your DS thinks and then make a decision

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 12:33

look at your son what would suit him, which he would prefer, travel involved where his friends would go. What is best for him

Sewingbea · 15/11/2019 12:28

£170k a year and £110k in savings and you are fretting about the cost? Really?