DH and I don't agree on secondary school

That will increase though Willow as they progress upwards through the school won’t it? Then add in the 2 other DD and that’s a minimum of £39K a year. It’s obviously entirely up to you both and what’s right for your family. I’m happy we found a compromise solution that both DH & I liked and that the DD did too, it definitely wasn’t our starting point though! I’d would wholeheartedly advocate starting again from scratch and looking properly at a very broad range of schools in the wider area, it worked for us. Good luck!

Sorry, just seen the fees. So you're looking at about £275-£300k for all three including future fee increases and other costs.

How much of your current lifestyle would you have to sacrifice? Have you spreadsheeted it?

How much are the fees? They vary enormously.

Would any of your children get scholarships?

What does your DS think?

What other savings do you have? What safety net do you have if one of you dies or is unable to work?

@WillowSummerSloth I know you meant the North, but my daughter is currently at a North London prep and I only pay in the region of £13K per year, but looking at secondary schools the price jumps significantly!

3 kids in private school will near bankrupt you if you are relying on salary income. A barrister I work with had to sell his house and start renting to put his 3 kids through the best private schools. It nearly destroyed him financially. And once you have gone down that road there's little chance to turn back, as it will be cruel to pull your kids out of school once they have settled there.

As someone who has a child in a private prep school (I only have 1) if I were to do it all over again, I would choose the local state primary any day.

Save your money for tutors/university/properties for your kids and enjoy your life.

Are you thinking about a private day school (fees around £15k) or a public school (nearer £30k). We've gone selective day school and I couldn't be happier. My non sporty child is playing Saturday fixtures weekly and has practice a few times a week. This simply wouldn't be the case in state in my local area - and she is delighted. She has been in 3 concerts since September and rehearsing for 3 separate drama performances all of which will take place in the school theatre. Loads of opportunity for extra curricular and most of it is included in the fees. Academically she is flying and I have never had so much feedback regarding performance.

My only worry currently is lower offers for state educated kids at uni but hope that by the time she applies this will be ironed out enough that families on £170k a year don't benefit simply because they went to a state school.

For those saying 'i wouldn't think twice on your income' - 170k a year is approx 100k net. Private secondary school is approx 20k a year per child, give or take. So with three kids close together that's potentially 60% of your take-home income just on schooling! 40k net left is hardly on the poverty line, but equally not a huge amount for a family of 5 in the SE. To my mind I would prefer to keep the kids in state education and use the spare 60k a year to give them amazing experiences! Sure 170k is an enormous income, but there again private school costs an insane amount of money!

Christ, if I had that much dosh I wouldn't think twice about going private!

In terms of disruption, it really depends on the school. DDs State school are very detention happy and poor behaviour isn’t tolerated. She did well in her SATS and is streamed in classes that have high expectations in terms of performance. We do live in an affluent area but there is a skiing trip, equestrian team, international trips, studio theatre, recording studio and their art work is featured on the Saatchi Gallery website. State doesn’t necessarily mean less advantages.

Only thing is his school years 7-10 were pretty miserable. Didn't have many if any friends in school, and was treated badly for working.

That was my experience at private school (i.e. it wasn't a state school issue). I'm not sure historical experiences are of value anyway - schools have changed a huge amount (generally for the better) since I was at school due to improvements in education as a whole.

Do your private schools have a big intake at 13 (typical for the more public school type)? if so start in state and swap then if it isn't working out? Also, does the state school have a mixed (or wealthy) intake, or will skiing etc make him stand out as privileged?

I am similar to you, and dh has similar views to your dh. He feels that he mixed with the full range of society and that is A Good Thing.

Only thing is his school years 7-10 were pretty miserable. Didn't have many if any friends in school, and was treated badly for working.
In year 11 and the 6th form he made friends. Who were white middle class very similar to him. He never really mixed with the "full range of society" and has never kept up with any of them other than the ones who were similar to him.
Whereas I went to a small private school with a lot of assisted places.
The people I have kept up with from school are of far greater range of backgrounds than his friends.

So although he had the potential for mixing more he didn't really.

And don't dismiss the issue of low-level disruption. All my children (including ds who doesn't work unless he's forced!) have been frustrated at being in lessons where so much time is spent on that.

I have had 3 DCs in private (one finished) and I think that unless your state options are dire then I would stay state. Firstly, I find that parents who make scarifices to send DCs to private have expectations and that becomes pressure. Secondly, as a parent with older DCs I would also say that some parents who move to Indys at 11+ are a bit shocked in 6th form years to see the same children they thought that they had left behind in primary looking at the same courses at the same universities as they are and they do start to wonder what all the sacrifice was about. This is particularly relevant at the moment as there is a definite state school bias in many unis and the state school DCs may recieve lower offers. Moving for 6th form is IMO not worthwhile as I believe that school fees become less value for money as DCs grow older.
You have 3 DCs to put through uni, it will cost a lot. Tuition fees are only part of the cost and as I expect your DCs would only qualify for minimal loans you will have to fund living expenses yourselves. DS1's first year cost over £20k which isn't much less than his school fees were!

The private school definitely offers a better curriculum and extra curricular.

This would put me off because it's extra curricular with other children in the same 'bubble'. I'd rather pay out for clubs and sports.

I think the ultimate is which school is better for your child, and aldo which the child wants to go to.

The amount of money spent on fees can go towards some fantastic experiences and tutoring if needed.

Lastly, how much burdon would you be putting on your children if they felt you were depriving yourselves to send them to a private school?

How would you react if they decide they are not interested or not bothered?

And I speak as someone with a child I private already.

What are the results like at the state school?

You have 3 kids and it will literally cost a fortune to put them through private. Your DH is taking the financial strain, and you’re not able to cover it yourself. I’d go with state.

Completely empathise with the not seeing eye to eye (I was privately educated, DH state. I wanted DD to do the 11÷ and have tutoring, DH was totally against this on left wing principle. While I agree 100% with him in terms of the fairness (or lack of!)of the system, I would have happily thrown principle under a bus for DDs sake! She's ended up at an out of area good State Girls school on a Music place. Quite why DH felt it was ok to use her musical ability rather than her brains to secure a place I don't know but am pleased he did!). I do agree that what you do for one you have to do for all - a friend of mine was paying £90k yearly for her three and that £110K will go quickly. What are your other options to the local secondary that you could possibly look at? Are there any other better State schools within catchment that you can consider or others DS could travel too that offer scholarships (out of area States or Private)? You have the time to research wider options than just these two.

It will depend on your school options really, we have really good secondaries near us (2 outstanding 1 good oustanding in areas) but they all have distinct characters as schools....I looked around them all in yr 5, know teachers in 2 of them.....also looked around the local private schools and picked the one we thought would suit DS best......
and yes it did suit him teh best of those 3 but we moved him for yr8 because a private school was better....
From your descriptions -DS1 would not get away with being lazy in any of teh private schools we looked at ...but in a state school as long as he hit his targets he woudlnt get the stretch ...ds bf is similar and his parents despair...
DS2 - would depend if he was the quiet type/put off by others poor behaviour (my ds was and found the noise and bustle and other kids poor behaviour really off putting even though teh school was strict a lot of time spent managing others behaviour)
DS3 - again..... feisty kids probably ok anywhere as long as not let astray by even fiestier wilder kids!

there is poor behaviuor in private schools but the smallness makes it easier for teachers to see and manage...DS school not tiny and all boys (which I never thought i'd go for - but he has thrived and the breadth of curriculum has enriched his life massively....)
there maynot be a school that suits all 3! and some private are v academic selective.....

Maybe state to year 11 and then consider private for A Levels.

If the state school near you is good and you are in a good area then I would go state. If you find that the school doesn't suit your DS you can possibly move him later.

Please consider that school fees rise each year, typically well above inflation. There is some stuff going on with the pensions for teachers currently and this could impact fees still further.

Have you considered the journey time to the private school, assuming it's longer on an already longer day. Please don't think the sporting opps are always great. Sometimes only the top A teams get the good coaching and fixtures, it's only really after year 9 that more fixtures kick in. If your child is really into sport they will be doing it out of school, unless it's a private sports school the coaching will not be sufficient. Music lessons typically cost a lot more at private school too.

Personally, I wouldn't sacrifice family holidays to go private. The money you have won't touch the sides I'm afraid, with 3 kids you're talking a lot lot more especially with trips, uniform etc.

OP your description of your DC is so funny. I could have written it literally word for word about my own DC! (Except that one of mine is a girl.) Sorry, I know that doesn’t help you. Just made me chuckle!

We have 4 children and a similar financial profile. We have gone down the state route. We couldn't have done 4x sets of fees, uniforms, books, enrichment and still had holidays etc. Ours are at outstanding state schools (selective grammars) and I don't feel are missing out on anything other than better sport in DDs case. We both boarded from 7 all the way through and felt very strongly we 'should' educate privately. However, by going down the state grammar route, we can afford to do lots of stuff for them outside of school, still ski/go on summer holidays, and I'm able to be at home. Our experience is that teenagers are hugely expensive and get more so the older they get. In your shoes, I would start in state, and save the money for university - and move at 13 if it's not working.....