DH and I don't agree on secondary school

I went to a state comprehensive school and later, at University, met many people on my course, some of whom who became very good friends, who went to the top private schools. I am talking Roedean, Rugby, Charterhouse, Marlborough etc. Just saying.

I think it is interesting the decision is between you and DH and DS has no say

We were very torn, good stare school or good private school... We had a good income at the time.

DS1 had a really strong preference for one of the state schools. I thought it came across as a bit noisy and not formal/scruffy uniform.

But that school was also famous for pastoral care.

God, I thought so hard! The private school was very nurturing, and the other state school had outstanding of Ted and a grammar feel, very impressive.

But DS wanted his scruffy friendly comp, which, to be fair had same gcse results as the other two schools.

He thrived there. DH lost his job and had a breakdown do thank goodness we did not have the burden of fees.

dS2 went to the other comp, which he preferred.

I found I really needed to see my child in the different schools and imagine them there. I did not mind having them at different schools.

One question: what is the progress 8 score for the schools? That is the one figure to look at

But your DH was not privately educated? So was your private education actually worth it?

What has your private school education actually done for you? How well did you do at university? Post-grad?

missed out this image - not intentional but while composing the above I flipped over to the guardian and this was today's selection of headlines giving a picture of the state of state education.

@WillowSummerSloth DS is really bright but slightly lazy. He seems to be able to do things without too much challenge but only ever does the bare minimum

I would say that's a dangerous combination of attributes to go to a mixed ability school with. obviously a comprehensive school needs to cater for all abilities so there will always be opportunities for a bright child to slack off. The best environment is therefore one where the minimum expected standard is high, so a selective school.

I disagree that you need to choose a school to suit all three - my two siblings and I all went to different senior schools - we all took the entrance exams for the 3 local private options and the eldest got into the most fiercely academic, the second didn't get a place there but got a place at the one that was still pretty academic and still pretty high up in the league tables, and the third didn't get a place at either and was sent to the more "nurturung"/"not an exams factory" school that doesn't put as much emphasis on A grades. there were very occasional clashes with things like parents evenings and school plays on the same night at different schools but thay was rare. Apart from this I think we're all benefited from being separate from our siblings at school and could develop without being compared to one another constantly.

in an ideal world the kind of education your DH is advocating for is great. it should be the case that all children have access to excellent education and have friends across the social spectrum.

the reality is that state education is chronically and catastrophically underfunded. the system lets down huge numbers of children. even at the best comps, the pressure on teachers is so high that the vacancy rate is astonishing. subjects are frequently taught by someone without specialist knowledge in that field, and children have large chunks of time with only a supply teacher on crowd-control, not learning anything. class sizes are so large that it is too easy for situations to be unnoticed (eg the bright but lazy child slacking off)

of course this is unacceptable. we should all be using our votes and influence to change this, demand higher taxes and investment in decent state education. but in the meantime it is not wrong to opt out of this failing system if you can afford to - which your family clearly can. maybe by the time your youngest is in Y6 we will be living in a socialist utopia where the local comp has the funds it needs to offer an excellent education to all, let's hope. but this is not the reality for your eldest at least.

Off topic but I'm always slightly puzzled about why people whose kids are in private school object to universities making contextual offers.

I mean presumably you think your kids are doing better in private than they would in state otherwise you wouldn't be spending the money right? But you don't like universities making that assumption?

I'm not making any judgement here on whether private is actually better than state. But if you believe they are it's odd to expect universities to operate on the opposite assumption.

We looked at private options for dd, but eventually decided to send her to the local comprehensive as the private options simply didn't seem worth the investment. The buildings were nicer, to be sure, and they had a couple of extra language options on top of the bog standard French/Spanish offer at dd's school, but I didn't think that the overall quality of education on offer was any better.

A few years on, dd is in year 10 and I couldn't be happier with our decision. She is doing brilliantly academically and at the same time, she is learning how to relate effectively to people from a whole range of different backgrounds. I have seen her perspective change as her understanding grows, and I'm really proud of how she is developing and how much more open-minded she has become. She still sees her friends who went to the selective private school, and it's evident that she isn't missing out on anything.

We also have the funds to pay for extra-curricular activities outside school as well as those which she does in school, and I see it as a real positive to do this stuff outside of school because it gives her a whole other group of friends.

Her friends at the private school are lovely girls and they're doing well academically but I've seen that their world is very limited in comparison to dd's. I'm so glad that we didn't choose that for her. It wouldn't have been the right choice at all.

To all those people saying that the OP wouldn’t have any financial concerns, that’s not quite true. School fees for 3 children is at least £60,000 per year - which is a lot. I would say you would need to allow at least another £5,000 per year for school trips, uniform, etc.

My two will go to separate schools (Dd is off to an all girls school and clearly DS won’t be) but they can get there independently

Look round the schools and get a sense of what your DS wants and can easily get to

Find a grammar school witha sibling policy

Moving house an be pretty pricey, as well, in the event that the OP doesn't currently live within sensible travelling distance of a grammar school.

Dame Alice Owen's, to quote your example, is a partially selective comprehensive school, where siblings get in just by being siblings of current pupils. Even where a grammar school has a sibling policy, said sibling(s) still have to do well enough in the 11+ to get a place.

But taking 3 kids to different schools is a logistical nightmare

i'd suggest focusing on schools they can get to independently. Not being able to and having to work for a working parent to pick them up is a PITA (and if you have multiple children at a school that have to wait for a lift and one does an after school club, all the others have to wait too).

As other ms have said, save the cash for university. Your kids will be really grateful.

That is a huge salary, definitely private school

We don't earn what you do, but have one less child. We are sticking with state schooling. Save The money for uni.

But taking 3 kids to different schools is a logistical nightmare (which some of my daughter's classmates have). Find a grammar school witha sibling policy (like Dame Alice Owen in London) get one in at 11+ and that's you done! And then enjoy your lifestyle and savings

Unless there is only 1 state option and 1 private option I would recommend looking at other places too

Agree with the PP who said you should be looking at the best school for each child - not one size fits all 3

I'm privately educated and my children go to state school. I don't believe that private school is always better unless it's selective and that isn't what you're talking about. Being in a school with a load of wealthy mixed ability kids (like the one I went to) is no better than being in a school with a load of mixed wealth mixed ability kids in my experience. It just means that you have a lot more knobheads who think money makes them better people. I have no friends from school. I hated it.

The only real benefit I can see in my daughter's prep school is that they really push them academically (at the cost of a more nurturing environment), give tons of homework and really prep them for the 11+. But most kids also have tutors for the 11+ outside of school and the amount of homework and pace of studies is really tough on kids so young.

Fantago if op lived in London and was talking top public schools for 3 kids, then 170k would not be nearly enough. As it turns out, she doesn't and isn't! Context is key. Not having a mortgage for instance is probably at least one set of school fees...

On that salary? Is this even a genuine question? FWIW we have a meagre joint income of £80k, pay two sets of school fees and we're fine. That said, we own our house outright.

We gave DD the deciding choice, an amazing private school with bells and whistles, a rather dingy looking but otherwise excellent grammar. We didn’t mention money to her even though the cost would have been a struggle for us. She chose the grammar as she identified with the girls there, it had Engineering which the private school didn’t and the grammar was closer.

I appreciate it is harder when there are three DCs involved but what does DC1 think? Which would they prefer? Having a child invested in their choice of school really makes a difference to their attitude to learning and in their general happiness IME.

Finding one school to fit all three will be a challenge. Hold on to the fact that you can afford private for all, then send dc1 to the school that best suits them.

When it's time to look for dc2, find the school that best suits them. And same with dc3.