Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

At my wits end- homophobic bullying, what should we expect the school to do?

68 replies

L0gCab1n2 · 02/10/2019 21:12

Our son is in his GCSE year and had several years of bullying at his school. He has been dragged by his tie, pushed, called a faggot online, told he doesn’t deserve human rights, has to listen to boys saying being gay isn’t natural and is disgusting etc, etc. He says he is mocked most weeks. The school talks the talk(has done assemblies and arranged mentoring now and again)but it never seems to go away.

Our son has cut himself off from friends, doesn’t care about his future, can’t focus on work (causing his grades to drop), is very anxious, unhappy and full of self hatred.

Got weeks to wait for a gp appointment and getting hold of the school counsellor is a nightmare. He is bright and under achieving in most areas. He is having support lessons in school out side of class to get his grades where they should be. I am annoyed that the actions of others have caused this.

He is now saying he wants to drop out completely and there is no point doing GCSEs or going to uni as he doesn’t care about any of it. He insists he isn’t suicidal.

I feel the school should be doing something, but what? He drags himself in and puts on a brave face because we make him. I don’t want him to drop out or move him risking his education even more because it seems so unfair.

I can’t believe that in his day age a school can just carry on accommodating this. Is there anything we should expect them to be doing? What can we do to get it sorted? Are they under any obligation to make it stop?

Literally at our wits end. Doing everything at home to help him but really starting to struggle. Please advise.

OP posts:
MrsPear · 03/10/2019 19:34

Right op time to get serious. Write a letter to the head of the governors - see here for what the school should be doing citizens advice
Maybe also contact your local police team and ask them for advice as this kind of harassment is now illegal.

BarbariansMum · 03/10/2019 19:24

Just remember that your ds' mental health and happiness is more valuable than a handful of GCSE grades. GCSES can be taken at any time.

In your situation I would strongly consider taking him out of this school.

Nat6999 · 03/10/2019 19:21

My ds is autistic & gay, he has had a terrible time at secondary school even though there are several lgbt pupils in his form & year. He too does his GCSE's next summer & has decided that it is time for a fresh start, we are going to all the open days for sixth forms so that he can get a feel for which school he wants to go to. He is putting all his energy in to getting the best grades he can, is getting counselling & support through the local youth mental health support & will get through it. Try & get your ds to focus at what is at the end of his exams & what he wants to do afterwards.

Original poster
L0gCab1n2 · 03/10/2019 19:16

The physical attack was some time ago. I think we threatened police if he was physically attacked again. Think it was a hair pull the next time, then nothing physical( will have to check). Had cyber instead, called a faggot by a boy he didn’t know by text.

Heard back. They are denying there is a problem. Bit odd as the teacher he spoke to says he didn’t say he was mocked daily to dispute there being an issue.ConfusedDs says he said he’s mocked a couple of times a week and hears homophobic language daily. Teacher has suggested a meeting with SMT to discuss his “progress”. But worried that is going to be used to deny a problem and suggest he go elsewhere unrecorded ie not on paper.

The email didn’t answer my questions re what they were doing to stamp it out, policy etc.

In process of replying and repeating the questions. Not heard from dep head.

They definitely think I’m ‘that’ parent, could tell by the tone.

OP posts:
Troels · 03/10/2019 18:43

If he's being attacked isn't that also a Police matter? Maybe the threat of the Police coming in will give the school some food for thought.

GaribaldiGirl · 03/10/2019 18:41

This may sound like an odd suggestion - but do you know a friendly gay adult he could talk to? Someone he could confide in? I think sometimes talking to someone in the same ‘different’ camp, who’s experienced prejudice and bullying can help.

It’s truly awful. I agree with the posters who say you must really push the school.

Punxsutawney · 03/10/2019 18:10

Log the mental health support is not good for our young people. Ds has been struggling for a long time even before his autism diagnosis. I told the paediatrician a couple of weeks ago that he was very unhappy and not coping. She told me nothing she can do and there is no support available. It's difficult dealing with a child struggling in year 11,especially when there is little to no support. I can understand all your concerns.

Original poster
L0gCab1n2 · 03/10/2019 17:20

Pour

OP posts:
Original poster
L0gCab1n2 · 03/10/2019 17:20

Really can’t afford it. Would cost a fortune and I’d hate him to put his heart out to somebody and then not be able to go back because it cost too much.

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 03/10/2019 17:15

actually why should we pay for something somebody else has caused

Because your son needs help right now? If you cant afford it, you cant afford it but to refuse to pay on principle is ludicrous. There are times to dig your heels in, this is not one of them.

Original poster
L0gCab1n2 · 03/10/2019 17:10

Head of year spoke to him today about this week’s incident which I outlined in an email last night. Still investigating last week’s incident though so won’t hold my breath. I’ve heard nothing.Counsellor can only see him next week during one of his catch up sessions but suggested us paying for private, ringing Young Minds or going to the gp.Hmm I’ve booked the gp but still got a 3 week wait and I guess months after that. Can’t afford private as we’re paying shed loads for his school bus and actually why should we pay for something somebody else has caused. He wanted to stay there for A levels.Sad

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 03/10/2019 16:48

It's no good you saying 'surely it's the schools duty to do something'... If they don't want to, they won't. And they'll use every excuse NOT to. They're too busy, it's unpleasant, it's hard work, it's embarrassing. Really, they just want the problem to go away. You have to shout. Make as much fuss as you can.

Kittykat93 · 03/10/2019 16:46

Kids are complete shites. In my case it wasn't homophobic bullying I suffered but I was bullied for dressing a certain way all throughout high school and it nearly destroyed me. I ended up trying to take my life when I was 14.

Op, you're doing everything you can and that's great. But until the school deal with this please consider not making him go to school and instead getting work from the school that he can complete at home. It really is horrendous having to go somewhere every day where you don't feel safe.

kesstrel · 03/10/2019 16:31

Awful, OP. Are there any lgb support groups in your area? You could look on this link:

www.theproudtrust.org/for-young-people/lgbt-youth-groups/where-can-i-find-a-youth-group/

BarbariansMum · 03/10/2019 15:56

Why on earth would the OP's son want to meet with the people bullying him @Whyisitallsostressful? His sexuality is absolutely none of their business, and he certainly doesnt have to defend it in front of a bunch of bullying bigots.

Whyisitallsostressful · 03/10/2019 11:50

Can you ask for a meeting to be arranged between the worst of the bullies and your son where someone on the pastoral care side tries to get to the bottom of why the hell they care so much about your son’s sexuality?
Sorry this has happened to him!

AJPTaylor · 03/10/2019 08:06

Follow the complaints procedure.
Meanwhile, write out a week by week countdown until gcses and him leaving. Focus on him getting the right grades for what he wants to do next and plan what happens next year.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/10/2019 07:21

L0gCab1n2

Annoying as it is, please follow the complaints procedure.

Anything else will just get knocked back and set everything back.

As you have already done the form tutor and pastoral care/head of year

Write to to head
then the governors.

Set in writing what is happening, use terms like safeguarding, homophobic etc.

Give them a set date to come back to you, then escalate further.

AND you are not that parent.

Original poster
L0gCab1n2 · 03/10/2019 07:14

So governors and then Ofsted?

Their complaints policy is really wordy.

Got to get him up and myself off to work. Refusing to go already. Happy days.Sad

OP posts:
Fishcakey · 03/10/2019 07:10

Go to the governors. Head teachers hate you involving the governors! Do it now!
I actually think a mixed school though would be much better. Older girls are much nicer than boys in situations like this I think. Roll on college time for him, I so hope life becomes better for him and quickly xxx

Punxsutawney · 03/10/2019 07:10

Log my experience of an all boys state school is also negative. Different situation but Ds is also gcse year and has just been diagnosed with autism. That makes him a bit different to others. He has suffered bullying over the years. Both name calling and physical. After a big complaint from us school have finally stepped up but we have had to push massively for any pastoral care and support. My other son went to a mixed school and I can now see the difference is huge.

I would start by making a complaint to the head or member of the SLT. If they are useless take it further to the governing body.

Original poster
L0gCab1n2 · 03/10/2019 07:09

I email when he tells me so twice this term, there was one at the end of last term. Got the rest all in Sent box.

There was an assembly last year I think. Clearly didn’t do much. I’m pretty sure they are aware there was a problem. I think it is beyond the norm.Sure I remember mention of a student questionnaire and the bullying policy being updated as a result of it. Can’t see any mention of it though, will have to search properly. It was pretty fraught yesterday.

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 03/10/2019 07:04

Unless your ds is reporting the incidents, there's very little the school can do. They are obviously aware he has been bullied in the past, they may have (wrongly) assumed its stopped if he has stopped reporting it.

I'd expect staff to pick up on it if they heard. It sounds like it's very underhand bullying though.

I A meeting with someone from the school is a good idea. Just so teachers are aware it's still happening and can keep and extra close eye.

I'd expect an assembly on bullying and homophobia and hopefully the school already covers it on the PSHE curriculum.

Original poster
L0gCab1n2 · 03/10/2019 06:35

It’s his GCSE year and why should we? Surely it’s an issue the school should be sorting. What about other LGBT children?

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikescake · 02/10/2019 22:25

I'd want to move him as well, I wonder if he would get on better at a mixed sex school rather than all boys. Have you had a look round the other schools?

It's shocking this still goes on tbh ☹️