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Original poster

Allergy bullying at school

33 replies

jebthesheep · 26/09/2019 13:48

Hi, First post so sorry if this is a poor effort.
DS1 preteen has some experience with bullying at school, nothing terrible, just name calling, thumping, tripping etc. When it got too much, I have complained - There have ALWAYS been repercussions from the instigators after they were told off - we've been through the loops (tell again, react again etc). Ended with DS1 getting tougher, sucking up/fighting back : never resolved by school. OK then not great but liveable.
DS1 now insists we do not report to the school because it's not worth it, he will stop telling us what is going on if we betray his trust on this. So we just listen and support, and tell him that if it ever gets too much we will pull him from school but we will respect his judgement as to how much he feels he can take.
His allergies are multiple and serious (Risk of anaphylaxis, epi pens, inhalers trips to A&E from school from Primary years)
So now : Big lad who's brand at school seems to be, he's in charge, if there is any thumping to be done - he'll be the one to do it. If anyone else tries to get in on the thumping action he'll sort them because that's his fun. Telling is highly punishable by him.
DS1 has taken a few slaps from him but then so has everyone else, so he doesn't feel that picked on. No bruises, just seems to be the big lads way of keeping folk in line.

So DS1 gets stuck next to big lad at lunch and his food is deliberately contaminated by big lad. There is no attempt to hide it from DS1 so no harm done apart from a missed lunch.
If I report it, I have no reason to believe that DS1 can be effectively protected and he will no longer trust me. I have read the Anti-Bullying policy and it sounds lovely, but real life experience at the school proves that theory and practice are not the same thing.
If this is driven undercover it is potentially life threatening. It only takes a single round of telling off/react and it could be game over – DS1 is on the frontline not me, if I could take that risk for him I would in a heartbeat.
WWYD? and has anyone any experience or know of Preteen/Teen Allergy support groups in the South East (or online nationwide) where he/I would be welcome. I have already tried a major online general allergy support groups and they were really nice but this area is not really part of what they do.

Help please, I need the Mumsnet hivemind to help me navigate this one.

OP posts:
juicyjuicymangoes · 26/09/2019 14:59

Honestly I'd take him out. What an awful situation for you and your son. I don't know if it's a police matter or not but once I'd taken my DS out I'd make sure this boy is sorted out either by the school senior management team or the police as that could be classed as attempted murder.

Coconutbug · 26/09/2019 14:57

I think that it is far too serious a thing not to report in this instance. I understand some of the other times but coming from working in a hospitality environment, we have serious laws about allergies and contamination. The starting threshold is fines etc but if it is serious you can actually be sent to prison. I'm not saying it would happen for the bully but if you do decide to report this, it should be explained to your son in that way to show how serious it is.
Children can be so horrible and I'm so sorry that this is happening to him

jellyjellyinmybelly · 26/09/2019 14:56

I would move him to a different school.

I have an allergy to nuts and when I was 13 a 'friend' put a peanut covertly in my drink when I was at a party. Luckily I suspected something so didn't drink it and found out later. As an adult I've nearly died from anaphylaxis and it was pretty miserable not being able to breathe and cursing myself for eating the suspect food. It's scary to slip up and having a situation with a bully focusing on food is too risky.

Out of interest, what's been the barrier why you haven't already moved him? Sounds like bad bullying to me and school unable to deal with it, which is not OK. For me bullying at school I have no doubt has had a knock on effect on mental health in adult hood.

Flowers
Lllot5 · 26/09/2019 14:49

I’m shocked by this. Your son shouldn’t have to put with this. I’d be spitting chips.
Keep him off school if you have to. You seem to have accepted that some bullying is inevitable. It’s really not.

Original poster
jebthesheep · 26/09/2019 14:43

All thanks so much for talking to me about all this.
My dilemma is I'm dammed if I do or don't - could I live with it if my action of betrayal brought serious harm on his head ?
Is there a better way round? What has been tried before - I can’t be the first parent to face this?
My confidence in confidentiality is not high. If there is no option but to tell, I will need a backup plan to get him out.
Any Homeschool groups out there with similar aged kids who would be responsible with allergies ?
Plan X is : if I have to pull him because I can't get this sorted, a report on the why and who will go to the school to protect others. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his school days in front of a computer on his own though, so trying to find a way round this dilemma is Plan A.
If it's to be Plan X - at least know I will have tried everything else.

Mythical : I don’t think I'd get far with the police - I don’t think contaminating his food is illegal if it isn’t a recognised poison, and if it were I have no proof. You are right though; there should be some law to protect this vulnerability as there rightly is with race, religion, disability and others.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 26/09/2019 14:04

Could you speak to the school in confidence so DS does not get named in any of this? If the boy is as bad as DS describes then it could be any number of people who have reported him.
I think when your dealing with allergies you have to be extra vigilant, does your son understand the dangers associated with this, I mean really understand? What happens if next time he doesn't see, or bully boy does it to someone else which could result in a fatality and you and DS knew but didn't act on it? Could you live with that because I couldn't.

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 26/09/2019 14:01

Why are the police not involved? Am I missing something?

user1494670108 · 26/09/2019 13:59

Christ almighty, i see your dilemma but i don't think you have any choice but to betray his trust and notify the school as the repercussions are so serious.
What an absolute twat