Secondary school- daughter has no friends year 7. Help!!

Pastoral *

Please ring the school they have patria support. They want all the kids to settle nicely and may have a few clubs at lunch time to help

A couple of tips that might help:

• Can she look out for the quietest few girls in her class and see if she can talk to them? They may also be sitting there waiting for someone to approach..
• Without her knowing, call the school and have a chat with the form teacher saying that she has been slow to connect with potential friends.
• If there is a large gang at the canteen, can she sit near/next them? She doesn't have to be in the middle of them. Someone has to be on the periphery in every group.
• Resilience is important. Not every day will be a good one, not every person she chats to will become a friend. It's a numbers game.

Definitely don't move schools as nothing suggests the school won't act etc. You just have to let things settle a bit (easier said than done I know).

My dd1 was the same - first 2.5 weeks no friends, lunch alone etc. As others have said the library is a good place to go (talking to other parents there were lots of girls in the same boat and most of them were in the library!). Are there clubs she can join? It is tough but should get better and you will need to put hours in every evening being the person to talk to and the shoulder to cry on. If you are going to contact the school I'd do so sooner rather than later.

I think it's still fresh
Give it some time and put her in some school clubs.

I can give you the same advice on all these threads, give it time and join clubs. I know you know this but it that's really what it takes.

In the meantime, your dd needs a plan for break and lunchtimes before her confidence is entirely shredded. You could speak to pastoral support who may be able to help (although they'll probably say time and clubs too) but what worked for me, and more recently for ds2 was to hide in the library with a book.

It is early days yet but in a few weeks tell her to keep an eye out for other children who look nice and are hanging around alone, or on the edge of groups. Those primary school friendship groups dont last long.. Also, she shouldn't shut her mind to the idea of a boy as a friend (assuming it's a mixed school). One of the nicer things about secondary is that the boy/girl split thaws a bit - both my sons are part of mixed friendship groups.

My second was the same. Crying every day and so upset because he couldn't find like-minded friends. The pastoral head was fantastic - so kind, gave him loads of ideas and help, found him lunchtime activities with older boys who she knew would be kind... And then it all clicked. He found friends and he is so happy now.
He was also bullied at primary school and I underestimated the effect that this had on his self confidence. In reality though he was also quite judgmental about other people and how they were going to behave/be. He had to learn to be a bit more accepting. And we "bigged up" secondary school too much for him, telling him how much happier he would be - that was definitely our mistake.
But he can barely remember how unhappy he was at the beginning now.
I think it's still early days but if you are worried then I'm sure an email to the hoy or the form tutor would really help.

Definitely speak to the school. My dd has just gone into y7 knowing loads of people, has an older sibling there and has cried every night because she’s so anxious about getting in trouble or lost or one of a million other things. I emailed the form tutor and head of her house pastoral care and they have rejigged the tables in form so she was sitting with some girls who they thought she might get on with and she’s already feeling much better, just having some people to move from class to class with. It must be a million times harder to not know anyone so do let the school know - they will want to help. And reassure her that the vast majority of kids are feeling the same way, no matter how confident an exterior they have!

Bear with it for a bit - all those primary school children haven't seen much of their friends over summer and might be desperate to catch up.

Have you taught her how to make friends, how to strike up a conversation? Maybe have some practice role plays at home - learning to make friends is a skill.

Our school has a facebook page for parents and a few have posted up eg "new to area, don't know anyone, 11 yr old likes dancing, horses, art.... anyone willing to meet at the park on the weekend for a play so she can get to know people.... etc etc"

Ours is brilliant - seating plan, not next to primary friends so they have to get to know each other. DD has made 3 new friends and is hanging out with them rather than primary school people.

Agree with the library tip - it's usually a nice place to hang out. Also see if they have any lunch clubs so she has something to do.

That sounds horrible. But I do wonder if she is picking up on your anxiety?
My DD is same age and doesn't really get included in things. Very much on the periphery. She does seem ok with this - but I don't think it can be nice for her.
I haven't intervened really except to try and encourage her to message people. I honestly don't think school or teachers can force friendships that aren't natural.
We have focused on just doing nice stuff as a family & she enjoys being with us & grandparents.
Try not to worry & be as upbeat as possible. Do nice stuff as a family & just be there for her.

Speak to the school. Some schools have a lunchtime "friendship club" for exactly this scenario, but even if they don't, I'm sure they will have some ideas that might help.
I was very unhappy in my first year at high school because I was slow to make friends but grew, by about Year 9, to completely LOVE it. Still, my best friends are my school friends and not my uni friends.

I would directly approach the Head of Year. They'd probably be appalled to hear someone's crying in the toilets. They may be able to set up a buddy or to link her up with someone else in a similar situation - she won't be the only one!

I didn't want to read and run. I would contact the school. They should have staff who can help. My niece struggled at first at high school and was given lots of support.

I think clubs and time will help but very hard for you now. I hope it passes soon.

Sorry to hear this.

I'd unpick it a bit more with her.

It's quite unusual for a year group to exist in primary friendship groups by the second week. Usually they've started to disperse a bit after 2/3 days and there's often lots of students who are the only ones from their primary.

It sounds like she could do with a hand getting to know people and talking through her perceptions of other friendships in the year because often the child who is struggling tends to perceive the year group dynamic quite different to objective observers.

I would call to speak to her form tutor to see what can be done. Maybe when staff start looking at seating plan reviews they can try to deliberately sit her with potential people shell gel with, or who are the friendly with everyone types. There may also be some clubs or social space in the school support base which she could access.

Another suggestion would be to go to the school library after eating. It tends to be a hub for those who neither have large social groups but also don't wan to play football. Librarians are often amazing at helping similar children from different years to find like-minded peers. It's a much under-valued talent in my opinion.

Absolutely speak to school though. I wouldn't be considering moving just yet because even in another school she's unlikely to get a primary style group because most of the primary people will no longer be in a primary group. Best focus on how to help her settle.