Secondary school- daughter has no friends year 7. Help!!

Friendships also develop through class time - chats to people you sit with

I didn’t think you were able to chat in class

Friendships also develop through class time - chats to people you sit with and so on. It's not just break times. My DD is a volunteer for an activity in the library fortnightly which gives her a break from people. Does your DD have the opportunity to do something like choir or an art club at lunchtime? DD's school has a yr7 'craft club' which I think is designed for the quiet kids to have a little bolt hole from the stress of break time.

Agree don't take phone off her until she has another support strategy in place. To be honest that feels cruel as whilst she won't make friends hiding in the loo taking it off her definitely won't suddenly give her the mental and emotional shift she needs to do talk to other kids.

Like other posters have said talk to her about having those little conversations, smiling at everyone she encounters and seeing all the reciprocal smiles/small talk she gets back as progress. It's a marathon not a sprint

Also please don't take her phone off her. It's her lifeline. She will still sit in the loos without it. But do use it to ask her to go to the library etc and gee her up.

Op, when she texts you from the loo. What do you respond with? Do you tell her to go to the library? Text you again whilst there?

Also does she know how to make friends? The casual smile and hi in passing? The slow build up. Short conversation and then move on?

Also who is she targeting for friends? They wouldn't have a club if she was the only one, so there must be other kids in this boat. Is she trying to target the popular kids? Has she said hi to any of the quieter ones?

In class does she say hi to those around her when she sits down, smile?

texting me from toilets daily

I know this is going to sound mean, but sometimes we have to do things that push people out of habits that are making issues worse — I think it’s time to stop having her take her phone to school. Take it off her in the morning when she goes in and give it back when you pick her up. There’s little incentive to go out and find people/things to do when you can hide in the toilets and text your mum.

Kids are perceptive and they will notice that she is distressed and anxious and hiding out in the toilets every day. This unfortunately won’t be making many kids open to being friends with her, and it’s not giving her a chance to get to know people either if she is not around at break times of course people aren’t going to be talking to her or thinking about her.

I know it is very hard when you’re shy, anxious, introverted etc. to make friends but it’s important to learn what puts people off as a starting point, and unfortunately to kids of that age, hiding in toilets puts people off.

We also don’t make friends by hanging around waiting to be invited to something or waiting to be sat with at lunch. It’s give and take. Next time she is talking with someone near lunch time and they walk off to sit with other friends, she should go with them and sit down at the table with them. Or find a table elsewhere with other kids and sit. Introduce herself, ask questions about the others and engage. Nobody is going to make an effort with her if she isn’t making an effort with them.

I agree she does need help in breaking this and you do need to escalate this! On the positive side, she’s not hiding this and is talking to you about it. It’s still very early days but if she’s hiding away this pattern isn’t going to change. If you haven’t already, call the school, go in. As for CAMHS, my experience of them with my eldest daughter was that they are pretty useless (my eldest DD is gay and went through a minor self harming stage when she was coming out- we were told to bring her back when she was using a knife - yes really!). I would pay for a private counsellor. And do get her involved in out of school clubs local to you.

Week 3, youngest DD does seem to be making friends but the journey in is proving a bit horrible as a girl she went to Primary with is being horrible to her on a pretty continual basis. It’s hard to watch them suffer! DD has joined the drama club as she says she wants to be more confident. She is still clinging on to Primary friends but there does seem to be more WhatsApping with new ones. It’s all new and fragile though! There will be many girls still looking for new friendships - my DD came home really really pleased yesterday to have made a new friend. I think your DD just needs help though from above so I really would go in and speak to someone ASAP. Good luck!!

OP I really feel for you and your poor DD. And agree previous comments about hiding in the toilet don't help considering this little girls personal circumstances.

I would definitely be speaking to school as again agree this sounds like more than just settling in. She's stuck in a cycle now and needs some help to break this.

Best of luck OP

@BarbariansMum it’s a bit harsh to critisize a child with social anxiety and who is on a waiting list for CAHMS as ‘ giving up easily ‘ every day is probably a huge effort for her , giving up would be not leaving the house or staying in bed but instead she is pushing on .

OP I think you need to escalate this, I think you are beyond the usual settling in problems . I would also see if you can get moved up the CAHMS list , could you afford private counselling ?

We had many conversations at home about how friendships take time to develop and the groups forming now will, and do, change and shift over time.

Hi OP
So sorry that things haven't improved.
Sadly it does take time for some or maybe even most of the kids.
Do give it time and keep reassuring her.
As I mentioned before we have had similar issues. Things seem to be getting slightly easier in year 8 but DD still doesn't have a close group yet. She doesn't mind at the moment though as she has learnt to hang out with different people most days.
I bang on the lunchtime club drum every single day to her and we made some progress there. You should look up at the club list with her and encourage her to sign up to atleast 1 and keep at it for atleast a term. Tell her to try it till Xmas without fail.
Also keep the conversation going about having a group to hang out with and not just a few close ones.
I know it sounds hard to think of many friends when she doesn't have any friend at the moment.
There is usually a lot of falling out happening in friendship groups at this age and it's always better to build the habit of knowing as many girls as possible.
In my experience this is an ongoing thing with girls at this age. Things may seem right one day and they all go haywire in a few days.
All we can do is keep the conversation going and encouraging them to give things a go including new people.
It is hard and you have all my sympathies...
Take care!!
Xx

So sad. Sounds like she's caught in a loop of having no friends so is sad and likely giving off sad/miserable vibes so in turn, not exactly looking fun, friendly and approachable herself to her peers.
I'd be encouraging the library, also finding out if there are any local kids who go to the same school who you could maybe speak to the parents and arrange if they could maybe walk to school together?
Library is a great idea.
Form tutor should be really versed in getting her pupils to know each other and encouraging socialisation.
Hopefully as the term progresses her lessons will start to involve group work and group projects which will help as these things often involve meet ups at lunch or outside of school to work on a project etc, and hopefully something will blossom.

This first term at High School is brutal for some kids.
Your heart must be breaking for your DD but she does need to try and integrate and be alongside the others to give them a chance to get to know her.
My DD has just started yr8. She's found High School to be a huge disappointment so far socially which is tough, but it does seem to be getting easier. Friendship groups this year seem a touch more flexible and open.
We had lots of tears last year, but my DD is pretty resilient and has some really nice friends outside of school.
Does your DD go to any clubs or activities where she hangs out with a different group? We've found Guides to be brilliant and she does a couple of other activities which keep her confidence and self esteem up.

This is why I liked ds' school so much - two short breaks of 20 minutes. People didn't like it because there wasn't much time to eat lunch but it really reduced opportunities for bullying or just feeling lonely. Eventually they increased one break to 30 mins but it is so much better than having long lunchbreaks (the clubs are all after school as it finished early).

The library is a good suggestion (though sadly a lot of schools don't have manned libraries anymore). When do the sports clubs start?

Oh bless her heart.
What a brave girl to keep doing this every day.
Please tell the school how bad this has become. She cannot keep hiding in the toilets .
I am a little cross on her behalf that no one has noticed that she is still struggling given they’ve been made aware but I guess there must be so many issues at the beginning of term.
Has she tried the library at lunchtime yet? Ds ended up being a library helper at lunchtime when he first started at secondary because he was struggling so much with finding friends
She only needs one friend doesn’t she?- has she looked about her for someone in her class who isn’t part of the groups? - there must be a few other kids who came from primary schools by themselves
I’m keeping everything crossed for her. I hope things are easier for you (both) soon

I'd be worried by her attitude - she gives up very easily, doesnt she? A d she's very much making this your problem to solve, rather than her own (with your support).

Friends by Christmas if you are out there taking part in school life is realistic. Friends when you've been hiding in the toilets for 2 weeks isn't.

I think she really needs to stop hiding in the toilets. This sounds like it's really not helping. I think you really need to tell the school how bad this has got and she needs a buddy or something allocated. I feel so bad for her and you.

Just seen your update. What a nice school having a chill out club.

Bless you.

My dd eldest and a worrier took a full half term to settle down and another half term from there to say she was happy.

The primary friends thing will eventually stop. It’s just security blanket until kids find there own feet.

My advise would be to encourage your daughter to be friendly in lessons and approachable.

To attend a lunch time or after school club to get to know more people.

To speak to the school /form tutor and see if they can match her up in lessons with other kids in a similar position.

Also I’d tell her kids are inherently selfish and will put there own needs first. Ie safety in numbers but as they gain confidence they will spilt up and smaller groups will form.
Hang in there.

Also if possible invite some girls back or organise an activity they can do together. That’s what really helped my dd when she was invited to a party. I practically forced her in but it maSsively broke the ice. .

I would give it time for the clubs to start. Does your DD do any outside activities?

I know the general advice is don't give up but sometimes things don't ever get better.

I would make a plan for you to review the situation by say half term and if it isn't any better can you Home Ed.

If she is so upset and it is affecting what little confidence she has left then she isn't going to learn anything being in that environment

No advice OP but your last update sounds like you've got a few strategies for her.

I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread as DD has also just started Y7 and is really struggling with the transition. We have tears most bedtimes and first thing each morning at the moment.

I LOVE the library idea and will suggest that with mine later.

I'll be watching this thread and to OP and others in this boat, good luck! And thanks for so many encouraging posts from others too!

It's a tough transition! My DD is now week 3 and is only one of two from her Primary - the school is all girls and a fair way from where we live. The other girl from our area is someone she didn't like at Primary (and generally wasn't liked) as she was pretty spiteful. I had a call on Thursday just before school started, my DD in tears as this other girl had been pretty horrible to her on the way in calling her a 'stuck up cry baby'.

I think possibly we're not getting the whole picture though. My DD does seem to have made some friends but complains sometimes she's ignored when they are with their wider old Primary groups. Whether our kids are truly being ignored i don't know or whether it's that they don't have the skills yet to include themselves in conversations and groups where others know each other. I'm sure a lot of this isn't 'willfull ignoring' . DD has also said she doesn't want new BFs as her Primary friends are still her best friends and is still seeing a lot of them out of school.

It will all get better but just takes time and there are lessons for our DCs to be learnt about fitting in to new social situations. We're seeing her mentor this week so hopefully they'll have some advice!

Hello OP

My DD is in year 8 but I could have written your post last year.
Every afternoon at work I would dread getting a "hello mummy" text from my daughter as this meant she is all alone.
You have received a lot of superb advice here so I won't repeat it
Only thing to reassure her is that many many girls in her class will be facing this though it may not appear to her that way now.
My DDs year group had so many issues at the end of year 7they have completely changed the classes for year 8.
My DD still has not found her tribe but she has learnt it is a phase of life and is very matured about it(most of the time at least)
We have learnt to be happy on the good days and try and be cheerful on the not so good ones.
School do help to a certain extent but it doesn't completely solve the problem in my opinion.

Big hugs to you and your daughter.
Xx