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Original poster

Is anyone else's DC hating their new secondary?

63 replies

zafferana · 05/09/2019 14:23

DS1 has moved to an excellent school in our town. It's very competitive to get in and we were all delighted when he did. One other DC from his previous school got a place and he's a nice boy that DS gets on with, but he's not one of DS's group of best mates.

The problem is that he's miserable Sad I know it's only day two, but I just had a text from him saying 'I am depressed'. He has NEVER been depressed about school before, bored yes, but not depressed. I think the issue is that he was really popular at his primary and had loads of friends. All those friends though have gone to the senior school of his old (non-academic) school. We do feel that this new school is a better fit for him, but how can I make him feel better? I'm being brisk and jolly and urging him to give it time, but he's just glum.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 06/09/2019 09:36

OP I think you're right about sports, it's very bonding for those who enjoy it and do well so hopefully that will help.

If he's academic in the long run the other school would have separated him from his friends anyway as soon as they set people by ability. And, being bored at secondary school is a big worry, it often leads to poor behaviour.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 06/09/2019 09:30

fabulous malmontar that she told the girl how she had felt. It quite possibly was a complete misunderstanding but by being open and honest she will find out if the girl genuinely made a mistake or was being mean. good for her. horrible to be in that position but great she has stood up for herself.

it is so hard for them to have to act confident when they really don't feel it.

malmontar · 06/09/2019 09:22

Aww it's heartbreaking reading some of these. The girl that pretended she didn't know her yesterday called her after-school asking if they can meet at the bus stop. DD said-' I don't really want to, you left me when you saw I was on my own and lonely' to which the girl replied 'i thought you were sitting with people'. I don't know the ins and outs but I was so proud of her for standing up for herself, she has a language disorder and is not usually like this at all. I told her it's best to settle these things in person and you don't want arguments on day 3 but hopefully she will pluck up the confidence to meet other people.

Original poster
zafferana · 06/09/2019 08:33

Sending hugs to all these kids who are struggling with this huge transition.

DS seemed okay when he came home yesterday, but then was really sad again at bedtime. He just really misses his friends and he knows they're all together at the old school and he's not. He did admit this morning though that while he misses his friends, he doesn't wish he was still at the old school, so that's something. I hope as the weeks go on, as the clubs and activities start, all these kids will find friends and settle into their new schools.

OP posts:
Rockbird · 06/09/2019 07:26

It's not so much that DD1 is hating the school, more that her anxiety, which we had begun to get under control, has returned with a vengeance. She doesn't know any of the rules yet, is panicking when she gets hot but is too shy to ask if she can take off her blazer. Also, in primary she had a couple of dedicated people she could go to when she felt anxious. She doesn't have that here yet (she's only been one day!) and so she doesn't know what to do when she needs help.

Mediumred · 06/09/2019 02:36

Aww, DD has really not enjoyed it, we switched from the school where she did her transition as she hated that one so much, to this one where more of her old class are going but she doesn’t seem to have settled at all, despite walking there this morning in a gang of eight (involving a couple of older siblings of friends). It’s only been two days so I hope it does pick up quickly but it’s so hard seeing them so unhappy. DD says she just doesn’t want to go to high school full stop and found the day really long. She’s clever enough but is really worried about making friends, I don’t really know why, she always had mates in primary and is in class with one girl she knows reasonably well. I don’t know if she would sign up for clubs, she’s not much of a joiner, I think she is too shy to approach other people but I tried to say that she has to put herself out there a little at secondary and everyone feels the same.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 05/09/2019 19:58

once clubs and activities get going at lunchtimes that will make a difference I expect. then he can sign up for things he is interested in and will meet people who share those interests, it gives lunchtimes a focus rather than having that time to think "help I am on my own, I have noone to talk to" etc. It IS hard

malmontar · 05/09/2019 18:54

If it makes you feel better our DD had her first day yest and made a friend she was super excited about. Today the girl totally ignored her and didn't come to the bus stop as they arranged. She was really sad and said she was lonely all lunch. I took her to spend the afternoon with some old friends and she feels much better now.

Original poster
zafferana · 05/09/2019 17:19

It is a big transition! I'd forgotten how big it is ... until this week. He's putting a brave face on it today and we had a chat about how it's normal to feel sad during tough times. I think things will improve for him when competitive sport starts, because he's a very sporty kid and that's where he's most likely to meet his people - on a muddy field!

OP posts:
SheldonandMama · 05/09/2019 15:09

There tends to be a scrabble for social status on transfer. Kids who want to be popular at high school, but who weren't at primary, can jostle with others who were. Everyone is trying to find someone to hang with. It's all new and confusing. If he hasn't got a couple of friends to transfer with, it'll be even tougher. I'd keep an eye for half a term. Settling can take time. All he needs is one or two kids to hang about with and he'll feel better. Early on groups form and reform and this will happen for a few weeks. Make sure he gets enough sleep. If he can keep some activities going that he had before, this'll give some security when everything else has changed so much. It's an anxious period but it should pass.

malmontar · 05/09/2019 15:00

It's a tough transition. Our DD seems to have changed overnight. She loves camping getting dirty and nothing to do with girliness. Came home after day 1 yest and wants to get tik tok and straighten her hair for picture day next week. I would give it till half term and see how it goes. It's a hard transition.

bellinisurge · 05/09/2019 14:51

A neighbour got her dd into a popular school where the girl's older brother is (and is happy there). The girl hated it and moved schools within weeks.
They are not drama llamas. They are a sensible bunch and just took the view she should move.

sitlux · 05/09/2019 14:38

Not hating it, but my DD isn't very excited either, even though she went to our local comp. Her best friends from primary went to different schools and their commuting is awful so no play dates after school... In her form there are 2 girls from her old class but they are BFFs so that's not helping much.

I've encouraged her to be proactive and talk to as many kids as possible, ask around to see who she could walk to school, ask for phone numbers etc. but she feels a bit lost and worried she won't make any friends. I think this is very normal, it will take some time for them to adjust and feel like they belong, and make close friends...

Her school organised a 3-day trip end of September, for year 7s only, so I'm really hoping that will help her make some friends.

The school also teaches in mixed ability groups that are different than the tutor group, and they set in Maths, that should help as well.

Good luck OP, keep talking to him, tell him most students are in a similar boat... perhaps also suggest clubs enrolment?