Is anyone else's DC hating their new secondary?

Thanks for the messages. I’ve e-mailed the teacher and the year head and spoken to both of them in person. Both were very understanding and they are keeping an eye on her. They said she is managing quite well in terms of finding her way around and following the timetable which is probably true (even if it does stress somewhat and she would hide that well). However, the problem is she is finding it difficult to make friends. While she talks to the girls in her class she hasn’t really gelled with anyone and feels that no-one is interested in her or looking to talk to her. She is lonely and there isn’t much I can do to orchestrate friendships except support her and explain it takes time. I hope the groups haven’t already completely formed. I’m encouraging her to go clubs at lunchtime, sports, audition for music groups and just get involved which she will try to do. In the meantime we have had a lot of tears at home and stress about anything to do with school…

This has been a much better week... thankfully!

Things are looking up and we've managed to iron out a few issues with the practical stuff and homework. He seems a bit happier now.

Think we definitely underestimated what a huge change secondary would be.

Hope things are improving for everyone on this thread. Its such a stressful time.

do contact the school waytoomuchstress. Honestly I think we are so quick to think that once at secondary we don't want to be overprotective or step in etc but if it isn't going well then the school will want to know so they can support them. Many children adapt and cope but there are also many who struggle at the start for a whole variety of reasons, they are all individuals. All schools will hopefully be supportive and help them to settle if they are aware there is a problem

On here for moral support. DD (Y7) still finding the change to a new bigger school very difficult. She really misses her old friends. She is finding change so much harder than we thought she would and is very anxious about the bus commute too. (we're accompanying her for now to at least alleviate that). Have spoken to form teacher and pastoral care is great but she keeps saying she is lonely and has no friends.... :(

We've had a much better second week. The class has set up a WhatsApp chat so she's getting to know more people, and she's learnt where and when the buses go. She did get lost one day but spotted her form tutor who took her where she needed to be. She still hasn't collected the calculator though!

All in all, i can see her confidence improving slowly and she's even thinking about a couple of clubs too.

I had the same suspicions, nonicknames. She came home yesterday in a very bubbly mood, which I was so pleased to see. I asked her about her day and it turns out yesterday she was speaking to a girl in English, a boy in history and she said another boy in Spanish has been making her laugh! So you can imagine my relief. She sits alone in maths, there is a spare seat next to her. But I think it's just that no one speaks to her, not that she sits alone. It's a really good sign that children in other lessons are now building up the courage to chat to her now.

I did speak to the school and they said they will look at switching lessons to her friends but only if they are on the same level/sets. But I am going to call them on Monday and ask them to hold off a while and see how she goes.

I have a DS who's just started year 11. He's the opposite to my DD, he would go up to anyone and speak to them. So this is all new for me.

Aww, really glad things are looking up for your girl Malmontar, my DD has certainly finished this week on a high note and has even shrugged off a biggish school timetabling error that has bugged me a bit.

I hope your girl finds some friends soon, emilyW I would certainly contact the school if things don’t improve soon, try not to lose heart. A good school should be working with her to help her settle.

We are definitely seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. DD was tagging along with her science friend who had lots of friends from primary school. She said today that said friend has practically stopped hanging out with them and just spend break and lunch with DD. It was a great lesson and she did say she's glad she didn't go to a school for her friends, as they've probably found a new friend and left the rest. I'm sure they'll be lots more ups and downs but so far shes happy and it's nice to see. First week was brutal.

It's such a big change for them, but the whole experience is a valuable life lesson and teaches the children how to deal with so many new experiences.

One week in and it's unlikely they've even been to all of their classes and so haven't met the full range of potential new friends. Secondary schools are pretty hot on class seating plans, streaming and banding, so even children who are at the same school as their besties quite often end up in classes where they know no-one.

Keep communications open with your child about how they are feeling, support them with stories about how you have coped with starting new jobs, courses, schools and also didn't know anyone.

And finally, don't be afraid to email or phone your child's tutor. They really try hard to support their Yr7 students and can discreetly arrange all kinds of situations which will help your child to interact with other students feeling lonely.

It's hard to watch your child struggle and some settle quicker than others, but it genuinely is a necessary skill they need to learn.

Mumofdiamonds - can she really sit alone in lessons? Our school doesn't have space for them to sit on their own, they have to be at least in pairs and the teachers have mostly done seating plans whilst they learn people's names so they are given a seat next to someone plus a lot of their lessons so far have included a lot of pair or group activities with team building games in tutor time. I would be very surprised if she really is sitting on her own. Unfortunately if a child isn't happy then they tend to dwell on the downsides of things so she might feel like that is the way it is but it is really fairly unlikely unless the school is very undersubscribed.

my daughter isn't with any of her friends from primary but like you they are all in pairs in other forms. At first she was upset about this but now she is seeing the benefits because she is being forced to mix with other people and interestingly is now looking back at some of her primary friends and thinking she isn't really that bothered any more. Some of course are "proper" friends and she loves to meet them outside of lessons but others I think it is a good break from in many ways.

I'm posting for a bit of support too. My DD started yr7 on 3rd Sept. A majority of pupils from her primary have started the same school. Although a lot from her old school are there, she doesn't know anyone in her new lessons. She sits alone in every class with no encouragement from the teacher to get stuck in. It seems the classes are full off children who either know each other or have quickly struck up friendships. She has friends to sit with at break times and play out with after school but it breaks my heart to think she is sat alone in lessons. She is a lovely girl and has always been well liked. She tells me that she doesn't mind sitting alone but I can see on her face that it upsets her.

I was hoping by week 2 that she would have been at least chatting to new people. She has low confidence when she hasn't got the support of her long term friends with her. What's annoying is, is that all her close friends have been placed in classes with each other so they instantly have that comfort in each class.

I have called the school today to see if they can pop a note on the register to try and sit her with people. Each individual teacher is bound to assume it's only in their lesson that she sits alone.

@zafferana thanks for starting this! With my friends who also have Year 7s everything seems to be going really really well so a bit hesitant to say anything otherwise - unless we are all keeping up a front!

DD’s first 2 weeks has been really up and down. She & one other girl she disliked at Primary are the only ones going to her secondary. She’s missing her friends, the journey on the buses is quite often running late so she has to run to get into school and everyone else (apparently - sure this isn’t 100%true) is still clinging to their Primary school groups and ignoring her (she says) when she tries to join in. Yesterday she called me crying outside of school - the other local girl who she disliked from Primary (as she was spiteful to pretty much everybody) called her ‘the most stuck up person she’d ever met and a massive cry baby’. Pretty hard to have your DD crying down the phone, refusing to go into the school (which she did do but was late!),

As another PP has said, they will find their own grooves and people and that could take a month, a term, a year but unfortunately all we can do is be supportive in the background!

Following for moral support.. my ds is day 6 of high school and has spent the evening sobbing. She doesn’t know anyone (she had an awful time with friendships and bullying in primary- so we thought this was the best idea) and hasn’t really made any friends. A girl she did make friends with left her on her own today with her lunch tray to go and sit with her primary school friends- she had nowhere to sit and ended up perched on a bench before running to the toilets to cry and text me to come home.
I of course didn’t let her (despite being devastated myself) and have tried to be as positive as possible.
She suffers with social anxiety and I’m really worried about her settling in and making friends as she’s always found this hard to do.
It’s a huge school with 1200 students and I can only imagine how she feels being alone all break/lunch time.. she has tried talking to girls (all girls school) but they don’t seem interested and are straight to they’re primary school pals.

She is so lonely, she just needs one friend to stick with her and she would be so so happy. She has never had a best friend

Wondering if I made the right decision putting her in a school where she doesn’t know anybody at all- genuinely considered moving her today.. after 6 days!! I thought it was just me, so I’m really glad I found this post.

My heart breaks for these kids, year 7 is so tough!!

X

DS has just gone into Y8. Y7 was hard. Although he knew loads of people at the school (from primary and from a sports team), he's a quiet anxious boy and it was all just overwhelming. He came from a largeish but lovely caring primary to a largeish all boys comp and was immediately shocked by the language, the pushing/shoving in corridors, the rudeness, the boring lessons ("I'll write this on the board, you copy it") and the fact that most of the teachers don't see enough of you to get to know you or appear to care at all. There was also some verbal bullying. It seemed to us that the school was all talk about their high expectations, discipline, etc as they didn't seem to be able to stamp the low-level bad behaviour out.

He was in a class with his best friend but in a way that meant they totally depended on each other - spending all of school together, walking there and back together and often playing games on their consoles together in the evening - so actually they got fed up of each other. They did make a couple of other friends eventually but otherwise keep themselves to themselves, eg won't join any clubs.

I don't think it was helped by being too shy/anxious to ask for help so eg ended up rarely eating lunch as couldn't work out the system for paying for anything other than the sandwiches. We mentioned to his form tutor who said she would get BoyB to show him, but BoyB didn't and DS wouldn't ask him to.

He spent Y7 saying he hated school, though at least never refused to go. I wouldn't say he's completely changed in Y8, but there has been a definite shift into being more positive about it, eg comes home some days enthusing about doing well in a particular lesson or teacher.

So don't necessarily expect miracles, it will take time but hopefully it will get better.

Dd1 was like this in year 7, she started completely alone and the school
Weren't really interested in helping the children that started without knowing anyone.

She kind of tagged onto a group of four girls but didn't really make friends, she didn't see anyone during the weekends or school
Holidays and was quite lonely and withdrawn, she gave up all the sports she'd been keen on and doing for years and refused to join any clubs.

Towards the end of year 8 she went on a school trip And made lots of real good friends, she like a completely different girl now and is much, much happier.

Give it time and hopefully he will find his people, or they will find him!

I also had to send DS to a completely different school to his mates . Weirdly year 6 he was more miserable . And really it was draining and upsetting as had meltdown every night . He got a less desirable school
And had to hear a lot of shit spoken by parents

I feel sad he has lost his friends (and none have replied to his texts which makes
Me feel ) but actually he has been OK
Frankly if he isn’t having a
Meltdown every night that’s a win win

It’s surprised me how hard it’s all been and I do think the UK system is harsh whereby we out little kids in with teenagers

I really hope that everyone settles into it and finds their way

That sounds very extreme with bringing everything everyday. Our DD has only had 2 pieces of homework set so far in science and art which are her favourite so doesn't mind. Thankfully she found a friend in science and has latched onto her. This girl has come with friends from her primary school who are all in DDs PE Art and science lessons so she is happy now. She says she doesn't really talk to them just listens so hopefully she will open up soon.

We spoke with our senco and she has assured us that all the new y7s struggle. Even the ones with tonnes of friends from primary as they're often the ones that have friendship issues the quickest. It'll get better.

Check whether your DC's new schools run buddy schemes. Many will assign year 9 or 10s to each class or smaller groups to help them sort out any issues (like taking all their stuff with them each day) or help introduce those who are feeling lost to potential friends.

all books and PE kit in every day

Are you sure that you/he haven't misunderstood? This sounds ridiculous and I can't think of any logic behind it.

Re bullying to whichever poster it was.

Ring the school every day until they have seen you (or go in and wait if you have time). It is unacceptable for them not to be stamping on any bullying hard and fast. If they don't even attempt action then I'd look at moving.

my ds was in a similar position a few years ago. we spoke to school who really helped him find a friendship group and settle. A big issue was finding friends at break as not used to size of school and not all being together. so we advised him to organise a regular meeting point. It took most of year 7 for him to feel totally settled but fast forward to year 11 and he's glad he stopped at better school and has amazing friends. keep talking/reassuring him and talk to school. i can guarantee they've had this issue before and are well used to it but I totally get how heartbreaking it is x

Gosh, that is crazy about the ‘all books and PE kit every day’, think you are right to tell him not to bother!

DD is still finding it very hard, she seems to have made one friend and sees her at lunch/break but the only lesson she has with her is PE, sure she will make some friends in her form and in other lessons but it’s like she just wants to fast forward to that point and hates going through the getting-to-know-you stage. She also says she is finding the work hard despite being pretty clever, just wonder if in primary school she never had to try very hard. I did email her form tutor last night just letting him know that she is very low and if he could offer any reassurance to her that everyone finds this time hard etc but haven’t heard back yet.

Big hugs to all kids and parents of kids who are struggling, sure it will get easier soon.

@user1483778494

No lockers...I've actually told him that he doesn't have to take it in if he hasn't got pe...and I'll take it up with the school if he gets in trouble!

Thanks everyone for your kind words, good to hear good news stories from people who've gone through it and also good to know we're not alone! Since I posted last I have rung school to explain how he's struggling and spoken to a lovely student support teacher. They're going to make sure his form tutor knows how he's feeling and assign a member of staff to "take him under her wing" so he has someone who'll check in with him to see how he's getting on. Fingers crossed for a better day today......