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Original poster

Double fees big dilemma

86 replies

alexasmith · 26/08/2019 23:06

DS is in a private school, TBH not as a first choice. He started at state school but DS has SEN needs and they just couldn't cope with it. As a result he had horrific yr 7 and we needed to get him out. The only other school around that we thought would suit better to his needs is a small PS. Now he is there and things have improved significantly.

Our DD is 4yrs younger. She is very bright, very academic and eager to learn and achieve. She is already (at age 10) have clear ambition for higher education and a career in science. She cruises through primary and at the top of her class with all straight top marks.

State seconderys around us are OK but nothing special or with focuse on sicence. We prefer a girls school but they are all co-ed. On the 'Privete' side, there are couple of private girls schools which are exceptionally good and at the top of the leauge tables. The culture of both schools is lovely and well rounded which DD and us all like. School is very academic without being pushy or highly competitive like others we have visited, including the only state selective we can try for with 11+ test (cut throat competition so low chances of getting in anyway and DD was not tutored long enough) and we don't actually like it anyway as the girls are all a bit miserable and stressed out from the competition.

We know that if she gets into one her two top choices, she will be very and do really well. Forgot to say DD also excel at gymnastics and one of them have a good gym team..

Our dilemma is simply fees. We can just about afford one child in PS but with two will have to remorgage our house, get cash out and instead of investing in the well over due renovations (kitchen, bathrooms falling apart) which we were planning to start this year, will need to sacrifice for education, gambling that the private route will get her to where she wants to get in life.

The other issue of course is that she is well aware of her older brother going to a PS and we are worried she will feel disadvantaged, not because she is not at a private school, but rather because she didn't get her prefers choice of school and feel compromised and miss out.

Please help me make sense of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
alexasmith · 27/08/2019 09:03

Schoolmumm, I am curious as to why despite the financial struggle you said you would do it in a heartbeat?

OP posts:
Seeline · 27/08/2019 09:00

How bright is your DD? How good is she at gymnastics? Is there any chance she could get some sort of scholarship for either school? I know some schools give scholarships in name only, but there are still some which have a reduction in fees. Speak to the bursers at both schools.

Despite the circumstances of your DC's being different, I think it would be hugely unfair not to give your DD, the same opportunities. She may always feel as though she was treated unfairly, which could be very harmful in the future.

malmontar · 27/08/2019 00:47

This sounds like absolute madness. Your son and daughter are completely different and not giving your daughter a private education is not disadvantaging her. By the sounds of it she's doing great where she is and would do so anywhere. Don't be fooled by private school results, most of those kids get private tuition which you probably won't be able to afford by the time you're paying for school fees X2. You have to look at your kids with a different view, not all will benefit the same way from the same things. It sounds like your daughter loves extra curriculars and would probably enjoy inviting her mates round to a nice house and parents that aren't moody because they can't sleep from financial stress. God forbid any of you lose your jobs in the midst of this.

Schoolmumm · 27/08/2019 00:02

We had the same dilemma a few years back, and had the huge burden of double fees for 3 years. Completely screwed our finances and our equity in our home has taken a hammering, but we would do it again in a heartbeat. It’s so wrong that we even have to contemplate paying privately for an education that our children should be entitled to through our already huge tax burdens, but that’s not likely to change anytime soon..

GaraMedouar · 26/08/2019 23:46

I think in these circumstances you need to allow DD to have the chance to go to private school too if that is what she wants.

negomi90 · 26/08/2019 23:39

Will he go to a private 6th form? Or will he go to a college or state school - even state 6th forms are small groups compared with the rest of secondary.
If its two years then its more doable, I think you have to try, it's the sort of resentment which stays for life. While your choices are logical, emotionally to a child her heart is going to say that you picked him over her. Even if you tell her to behave, you can't control the feelings.
But there are more things to investigate first.
Also investigate bursaries & scholarships esp if your dd is academic. A lot of schools will have means tested grants - ask around the ones you're looking at for dd and your son's school.

Original poster
alexasmith · 26/08/2019 23:24

Thanks everyone, so helpful to get some perspective here.
ImtheCaddy, yes, you are right, forgot to say DS starting yr10, DD staring yr6, so if he stays there for 6th form will be 4 yrs double fees.

OP posts:
ImTheCaddy · 26/08/2019 23:16

Surely if your daughter is 4 years younger and is 10, her brother must only have a couple of years left?

Finfintytint · 26/08/2019 23:16

Your daughter sounds bright enough to do well at a non private school.
You have to remember that private school doesn’t always guarantee good teaching ( at my teaching college, those who failed or just about passed their degree could only gain employment in a private school). The only advantage is a small class and great facilities. Your daughter will thrive anyway.

Thehagonthehill · 26/08/2019 23:15

It doesn't sound as if you can finance the private school.
So concentrate instead on what you can do.
If your daughter is focused she will do well anyway academically so look at gymnastics and the non academic side of the schools,attend all open evenings and see what you feel.

ImTheCaddy · 26/08/2019 23:11

I think you have to do it.

It would be hugely unfair to disadvantage her just because she is more academic.

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