Double fees big dilemma

@Schoolmumm Maybe I am blinded by London, we are very fortunate to have great state schools with hundreds of extra curricular activities and loads of them having teachers till 7pm for homework help. I honestly don't know a single private school child- (and I grew up with a lot of them) that did not have a tutor. I am very happy for you that your school could deliver all of this.

However, back to OP's dilemma, I still dont think, with the options she has, it is worth going through all that financial worry. Op your children are very different. Giving a child with SEN additional help doesn't advantage them, it gives them an equal footing. Your DD sounds like she gets to do lots of things she loves and doesnt have to sacrifice her gym lessons in exchange for her brothers games kit. Situations like that are what I agree is horrible. Not this. We have a friend who sent their DS to the local prep as the state primary wasn't meeting his needs in terms of his SEN. He has flourished there. His sister is going to the local, very good, state secondary because she has different needs. Not because her parents favour their son.

Malmontar...our daughter only did her A levels last year, so our experience is very much within the present day competitive backdrop! And yes we can without one shadow of doubt, say that our daughter would not have done as well at our secondary catchment school. I know many kids of relatives and friends who have all been through this school, and not one has done anything academically aspirational. Not one! They have all done a myriad of childcare, beauty college, the odd low paid apprenticeship etc etc. The ones who did A levels or Btech and made it to uni, went to non RG unis with lower end grade requirements. And once they were there...a lot dropped out. I know it can be different in other counties, but that is how it is around here.

Do the private school with the gym offer bursaries or scholarships?

OP, have you enquired about bursaries at the schools???

Ask about scholarships and bursaries you may be pleasantly surprised.

I am astonished by malmontar and alexasmith 's tales of additional tutoring. What would be the point of paying all that money to then buy extra teaching? When do they fit it in? My kids aren't home until 7pm most days and play sport all weekend! Is this a London thing? Truly, if I had to cough up extra (and frankly couldn't if I wanted to) I don't think it would be worth it! Although it is worth saying that you don't just send kids privately for the results, it's all the other enrichment, better facilities, sports etc. But still, colour me gobsmacked.

Maybe because I am in London, but I know only a few children out of many in private that aren't tutored, and they're only in Y7. Most keep the tutors that got them through the 11+ which in this bulge year was madness in London. I am not trying to slate private schools, I think they are a great choice for many. But what @Schoolmumm has said is not true. It is great that your daughter turned out well but that is an impossible statement to make. You cannot know how your daughter would've turned out had she gone to a different school. Plus your daughter is now a graduate, the amount of pressure children are now under is no comparison to what once was even just 10 years ago.

Please also ignore the other comparisons of people frankly being subjected to clear and cruel favouritism by their parents. All normal people know that children are all different. Some siblings go to state others go to private and there's hundreds of families like this. It is daft to think that your daughter would begrudge you, unless you put her through what some of these people here had to go through.

There are hundreds of charities that offer support and if she is bright than do call around at bursary support, you'd be surprised how much there is out there.

I suppose you could hire private tutors for your dd for now . Then when your ds finishes GCSEs you could enrol your dd in the private school if you so wish

My children that did not go to private school had money spent on them in different ways - linked to their hobbies. And as the children that didn’t go to private school ended up with better grades and did more subjects at GCSE, they actually got the better deal.

I think sending one child to private school and not the other is setting them up for a lifetime of hurt and resentment. It's really not fair and the consequences can echo down the years.

(Ah, was interrupted. I see one poster has mentioned them.)

invest in after schools activities (both academic & gymnastics wise - for instance) this will be more affordable & still give her more than average support & she wont feel its unfair. What some others have forgotten is your ds has sn & this isn't a comparison between 2 dc for any other reasons - don't forget in private schools many of the extra activites cost & it will affect their holidays & family life. But if she doesn't settle or she doesn't seem to be getting enough from the school there will still be time to move her. But most of all talk to your daughter - be honest with her -

No one seems to have mentioned Bursaries yet.

So, have you read and enquired about means tested bursary provision at both the schools you are considering for your daughter? These should be detailed somewhere in the Admissions section of their websites.

Obviously neither I nor anyone else here can say whether or not you are likely to get one - or what size of bursary you could be awarded; all of that will depend on each school’s assessment and interpretation of your particular financial circumstances. And on their assessment of whether your daughter is exactly the type of pupil they want to have there right now.

Some schools tie bursaries to success in a scholarship exam - others make a judgement on broader criteria. And all schools receive more applications than they can fund. But bursaries exist to facilitate attendance where it would otherwise be impossible - so you would be sensible to enquire.

I would investigate 6th forms for ds. All are smaller and more focussed and may suit him just as well as his current school. You say 4 years overlap but if ds going into y10 and dd going into y6 that would only be 3 years. And only 1 year if ds found a state 6th form that was suitable.

And just to add re financial pressure, losing jobs etc....most private schools will do their upmost to help a child in that situation. I know many people who have had problems through divorce/redundancy etc, and none of them had to leave. They all managed to sort something out through bursary scheme etc

And just to add Molmontar...we have never once had tutoring for our daughter at independent school. And it was definitely the exception, not the norm. My nieces & nephews both attended private school. None had tutoring, one made Oxbridge. Not sure where you get that idea from. All my fiends who have kids at state GS, are the ones who are hiring tutors....

Our eldest child had a good, but by no means stellar, academic profile. Good at English & humanities, maths & science were not her forte. She had good level 5 in all her SATs leaving primary, but would never have done as well as she has, had she gone to our state secondary. It’s not just the academics, it is the work ethic and social confidence that has really seen her blossom. She hasn’t buried her head in her books, at the sacrifice of all else, or emerged with the eloquence of a mute pea...as has been the case with many higher achieving state school pupils I have interviewed in the past. (And I know there are many that are not like this!) She has had such a broad experience, without any undue pressure on grades, taking part in many competitions from sport to debating, community work, DofE, and has worked in paid employment since she was 16. Her social life is an endless whirr of excitement, and her friendship circle is wide & varied, far more than it ever would have been. She got her predicted grades and more at A level, got her 1st choice RG uni, and already has the offer of a graduate training contract, after her first year. So yes we feel it has been money well spent. The financial sacrifice is only money...our mortgage won’t be paid off when we retire...but in the scheme of things, it still seems worth it.
Now with our youngest about to leave primary, we have another dilemma. She is extremely bright & gifted at maths & science, the type of child that could do well anywhere, but even the grammars are a poor comparison with the private schools we have in mind. So here we are again...contemplating a lifetime of debt and a retirement age of 80

@Orangesarenottheonlyfruit with all due respect you're slightly deluded if you think that or you're being sarcastic. I think not tutoring is the exception not the norm.

I sent one of my children to private school, the others to the local comprehensive. Two were bright and would do well anywhere. My “average” and “very young for the school year” child went to private secondary school- it still had a selective entry test. I would not stretch yourself with school fees. What would happen if you lose your job? This happen to us, and it was horrendous, as private school child was in the middle of GCSE course. In general, I don’t think private school is worth the money - not for academics. Smaller classes and better behaviour, yes. My average child did quite well, though - not as well as the siblings at the comprehensive- but really blossomed when they moved to a comprehensive school for A levels. There’s a lot of tutoring going on behind the scenes at private schools too. We were actually advised by the private school to get a tutor for maths.

I agree with Motherofterriers, either do it for both or for neither. My younger brother was enrolled at a different (much better) high school than the one my sister and I attended, and I resented him and my parents for a long time for giving him that opportunity but not me. Life isn't fair, I know, but that seemed particularly harsh on my sister and I after years of putting up with my brother being treated differently (he got various sports clubs every weekend and buying all the kit that went along with it, while at the same time telling me I couldn't go to tennis club because it was too expensive; not having to help around the house while my sister and I were making dinner and clearing up every night etc etc,) The school thing was one unfairness too far.

Oh and Malmontar, I don't know about private school kids that get additional tuition. The results are due to small class sizes, more hands on teaching time, more resources etc.

My parents sent my brother to a private school and me to a state one, because I was "academic and didn't need the help".

I think you need to do it for both or neither

Just to provide another perspective. We have two DDs at private schools. At one point we really didn't think we could afford it and went to the head to hand in our notice and he suggested a fee reduction, after means testing we got 20% off. I later found out that each school has a duty to provide a certain amount of bursaries to retain charitable status. Some schools will be influenced by a bright child and will give more off, although some don't. Point is: talk to the school, see what they say, the list price is rarely the price iyswim.