Double fees big dilemma

My middle sister went to private (on the then government assisted places scheme), the other two of us went to state. Whilst we were a bit mean when she was there (she could be a bit snobby) there was no real ill feeling and going forwards there hasn't been. We have all ended up doing what we wanted to.

Z, it's not a bad idea at all.

2 possible options.
Look at a state sixth form for your son, he is probably a very different person to year 7 boy and sixth form is also completely different.

Look at a private school that has year 9, aged 13, entry for your daughter. She could then do 5 years so they both get the same.

This way there is no overlap, or you pick 1 of the above it is reduced to 2 years.

I'm in the South East and know of a lot of Tutoring at private. (There are also a lot not tutored.)

Where does your DD want to go to school?
If you are in London there may be other schools albeit with a commute.

A private not activate!

@malmontar I went to private and I taught in activate school for a year (both secondary) in neither was tutoring common. I was never tutored, nor my peers. I was unaware of any students being tutored- unless it’s all done hush hush and I was the minority!

I agree with the "not a big deal" if you are open and honest with your dcs re finances and that you are doing the best you can. It's not always possible to treat children equally, just be honest about your reasoning.

OP where are you based? If you can give us a rough idea (PM if you like) we might be able to give some better insight.

FWIW those i know at independents are NOT tutoring. Those at state have a different tutor every night of the week (which is v good value in the end really vs the fees and their results are usually excellent - which the school then takes credit for).

I've known lots of siblings where some are private and some state - if it is explained and discussed openly then there is no problem. Lots of families can't afford to send all to private but one might get a (good) scholarship or have SN.
Have you looked around the local schools? Have you looked at local sixth forms/colleges?

I am astonished by malmontar and alexasmith 's tales of additional tutoring. What would be the point of paying all that money to then buy extra teaching

The top independent schools in London tutor right the way through. I’ve friends who have had 6 or 7 tutors, I am not joking, for GCSE’s from these schools. If one does it then everyone else feels they need to follow.

On state v private. It’s so normal where I am to have siblings in a mix of good state and private depending on their needs that it’s not even a discussion point. I certainly wouldn’t cripple yourself to pay fees you can’t afford. It’s only a big deal if you make it one. My cousin has one in an excellent state comprehensive and another at a well known boarding school. Both started in independent day schools and moved to what suited them best.

@molmontar Yes I agree it is terribly sad. They were furious that she was not allowed to stay, and blamed the school for letting her down. When they were advised she would be better off going to a college rather than pursue an A level academic journey, they were furious! Found a private 6th form that would take her...had to drop and change subjects part way through...like switching English for Media etc...which turned out to be the best grade at a C...and now off to a bottom tier uni somewhere. It is totally crazy, but what can you say? Even more ridiculous, is that they had put their eldest child through a top independent, having tutored him for years to get a place, and the support he had in the school was unbelievable. Extra help for every subject, and managed to garner a good clutch of Bs and Cs, but they warned them that he wouldn’t fare well at A level, and perhaps should consider elsewhere...advice was ignored and his results were poles apart from the gleaming array of grades they usually showcase. It’s a strange world we live in. On one hand we have the parents trying to shoehorn their kids into academic schools they don’t belong, and on the other we have parents who are shunning these schools with children that probably should belong!
Re your NLondon set-up, and the liberal parent power, that all makes sense. The parent power we had at one particular local GS, has seen a remarkable shift in recent years. Used to have a large intake from the surrounding preps, but that seems to be changing. Now lots of out of county state school influx and the demographics are changing.
That parent power impact can never be underestimated!

@Schoolmumm that's really sad. That girl is probably so talented in other areas and would do great learning a trade or a skill. In situations like that it's not the school but the parent's that failed i think. Trying to make their children fit into a box they dont belong in.

AB1yer yes tutoring is big business everywhere, and at every stage of the educational journey, but in my experience with private schools in the SE, it is certainly not the norm at senior school. I know many people with bright kids who have turned down GS places, because they felt it would be too much of an exam factory experience, and they have opted for private schools that still achieve well, but not with quite the same fervour of pressure. My friends with kids in GS are the ones who are hiring tutors. Largely because they were tutored to pass the 11+, or did 12+ and 13+ to get there. And then once there, they are struggling. The tutoring is is to boost C|D grades up to the minimum Bs they need to stay for 6th form. And even then they aren’t always successful! One girl I know was not allowed to stay for A level, as she had no grade higher than a C...in spite of tutoring since year 7!! There’s a lot of bright kids at private secondaries these days, where the parents aren’t bothered whether they get 1A* or 12....it’s the overall package that counts, and having a happy child at the end of it all!

@Bluntness100 as some of these people have mentioned, private schools have incredibly long days. With tutoring she will probably finish before them. Plus, I don't know anyone that has a tutor everyday. I think you should write down all the options, see what deadlines you have to meet and than maybe revisit this thread once you have the results. Not much point deliberating about it when you don't know what cards you have to play with.

@Schoolmumm we are in North London and there are two or three grammars quite far from each other. Their catchment is very big and they are super selective so not many kids actually go to them. Our area is also very liberal and people tend to send to their local state not out of lack of money but more to prove a political point. I think this drives up the results too as the very deprived kids get to mix with kids that have very high ambitions and great connections. This is also an area where lots of charities like Teach First love to come and 'save' deprived kids from their 'awful' upbringing. I have my opinions on it but that's a whole other thread. We are overall very fortunate with our choices.

And ‘extra support’ outside of lessons is tutoring.

Tutoring happens everywhere. Comp, private ,grammar and primary. For 11+, GCSE SATs and ALevels. Trying to pretend parents with kids in private schools don’t partake is ridiculous.

I live in a GS area and it's reasonably common around here that a family will have children in a combination of private and state, depending on whether or not they take/pass the 11+. If they do - grammar. If they don't - private. Couldn't tell you what the long term effect is though!

My daughter was privately educated from thr age of four until she finished secondary and I can say in the south east, tutoring is the exception rather than the norm. I also am close friends with two kids who tutor, and they don't have any private pupils. I'm sure it happens but I'd also agree it's not the norm.

I do think op it's a bit shit go expect her to go to school and then have to come home and go through tutoring, it just extends her school day.

The bottom line is you can't afford it, so need to think of another plan, Ie your son going to sixth form college and your daughter going private at 14. There are ways to work it out. But you need to at least try to give her the same opportunities as your son, and not make her come home and do tutoring every night.

I think you have to be prepared to let the second child go to private school if they want to. If they don't want to, then that's fine, but it seems really unfair to only give one the opportunity. I think that could have a much deeper effect on the family dynamic for years to come.

No tutoring at DDs private secondary. Don't know anyone in private system that is tutored at this point.

My PIL got themselves in such a financial mess because of double fees they couldn’t afford. Don’t do it. Just don’t.

Wow Molmontar..your school sounds incredible! I’m assuming you don’t live in a GS county? I have cousins who live in a fully comprehensive county, and their eldest is starting at Cambridge this Autumn. They’ve had the luxury of a fabulous state school all the way through...it does make me rather envious sometimes

I'd start out with the state secondary for DD. I'd tutor from the get go. I'd make sure you keep up all her clubs etc. If by the end of year 9 you're not happy then move her for year 10. You'll have saved yourself 2 years worth of fees. Even if she does year 10 and it's all a disaster the private school will likely let her repeat it.

I know 2 families where one child is in private education and one state. With one it’s a similar situation - older child needed the extra help, youngest didn’t. With the 2nd the son is in an 18k a year school, DD is in a state secondary. She didn’t want to go private. I don’t think you have to offer it to both if not same situation. If you feel you’ve got no choice then I guess you’ll have to re-mortgage - which seems crazy if there’s state schools that she will excel in