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Original poster

Summer hols - no one to meet, DC's suggestions being blanked

34 replies

JoyceDivision · 04/08/2019 22:22

....not sure if there is any advice here or more just support...

DD finished year 7, gained place in a highly sought after secondary school (main feeder high school everyone else in her class went to, and which DD would have attended had she not received this place is dire- in special measures, so for her best shot education wise we opted for the place she has now)

DD is not hugely confident, she is a follower, not a leader. Exceptionally polite, funny, and grateful for friendships she forms.

The school she attends takes about 1/4 from local area and then 3/4 from wider catchment area, looking at people travelling 8 miles plus easily to attend. DD didn't have tuition to obtain a place, but many pupils did (not a stealth boat, DD is certainly not one of the high performers in the school) so it does not have a cluster of pupils who live close by.

So, we are in the holidays and so far one person has arranged to meet with DD. This is some DD has got to know part v way through the year, they have lots of other friends, but DD really looking forward to meeting up.

However, her main group of friends, while sharing posts on Instagram (I'm not a fan of social media but we v agreed DD could have this as it was the main form of communication and we weighed up pros and cons of her feeling left out without it) sandy suggestions to meet up are being ignored.

She hasn't got a huge circle of friends so the refusal to arrange anything has really upset her, although she is trying to not show it. I've suggested contacting people she gets on with but who might not be her main friends, but she said it would look silly her contacting them and they'd probably say no.

I'm dreading the rest of the holidays. We have a week away which means she wouldn't be able to meet anyone then but after that we'be got the rest of the holidays to fill.

I'be said when she goes back to school she has to get the bus home rather than me picking her up most of the time so she is mixing with people out of school (and I'd be happy if she wanted to hang out for a bit after school with others) but she had a bit of a melt down just before school broke up saying she feels nervous and worried all the time, she's really self conscious and worried people are always looking at her.

I'be emailed her new head of year so they are aware of this when she goes back, but otherwise I'm at a loss as to what to do.

She attends a ballet class but only been doing it a year with a couple of others so nothing social wise from that. She hates public situations, so anything new I suggest, drama club, dance classes, etc all meet with a terrified no.

Any comments appreciated.

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 05/08/2019 16:16

I think this is a hard age as the DC and their parents are not yet used to greater independence. There will be some that still have their summer holidays fully mapped out, and will literally not be able to meet, and others whose parents may not be able to provide lifts but are not happy (or not possible) for DC to travel independently.

I would focus in keeping a dialogue going on social media, it's likely that more meetings will emerge as the holiday goes on and DC are less scheduled and more bored! I'd also suggest focusing on those that live locally i.e. easier to meet up with who might not be such good friends. DD put a message on a school WhatsApp asking if anyone wanted to meet, a girl who lives 10 minutes walk away (but not a great friend of DD particularly) responded and they hang out for the day, the DD and another random friend got asked for a sleepover. DS's friends all seem to be away, but he's spent a lot of time with a boy in the next street who is 3 years younger. I do think holiday/home friends and schools friends are different beasts at this age!

Original poster
JoyceDivision · 05/08/2019 15:37

Thanks.

No.old friends from primary school: she was in a group of 4 girls who got on, they had their two sets of best friends, then another girl decided to 'take' dds best friend as her own, it got really unpleasant with DDS best friend and the new girl, along with the other two, all isolating and hanging up on her. School were very involved and handled it as best they could, but unfortunately the friendship group badly fractured and on the final day in the assembly to say goodbye all 4 made a point of hugging , crying with each other, and some of their parents, away from DD and blanking her.

DD wants nothing more to do with them, which is fair enough, they were really unpleasant, but there is no overlap.of old school friends while establishing new school friends.

OP posts:
Beesandtrees · 05/08/2019 00:21

Dc also kept in touch with and met up with old friends who went to a different secondary. Nice to have someone separate to commiserate / compare horror school stories with without it being personal. Are there local friends from the other school that your dc could meet up with?

Beesandtrees · 05/08/2019 00:15

Yes I would also suggest summer holiday clubs .. ie drama/ music/ dance / swimming /athletics etc. These quite often keep them busy for a week at a time.
Also want to second the guides / scouts / explorer scouts suggestion. Great for making friends outside of school plus masses of life skills and social skills learnt and opportunities offered.
All of these have helped my dc grow in confidence

christmas2020 · 04/08/2019 22:57

Agree it's a tricky age and my 2 DCs didn't really meet up much with others during and after y7. Lots of people are away in the summer, or still at the age of doing family things etc. Kids from DCs schools went to loads of different secondaries so they tried to meet up with a few primary school friends in the summer.
DD gets on with lots of girls at school but doesn't yet have the confidence to contact many of them about meeting up out of school. Sometimes they come up with elaborate plans and then they can't do it anyway as their parents have planned something else on the day.
If your DD is upset about it all it is hard but if it's you who are more worried I wouldn't be as I think it's fairly normal and friendships do tend to change a lot in the first couple of years.

Original poster
JoyceDivision · 04/08/2019 22:54

Clubs take place over lunch in school, she attends them as part of a group, all good when at school.

The holiday seems to have confirmed she is surplus to requirements as far as her group.of friends go.

I'm determined to.increase her independence in year 8, I've signed her up for a local drama club which she will be really annoyed about as it will go back to her r tortured people are looking at her, being self conscious etc, but I really feel like she needs her own group or club for out of school that will have potential for social development.

OP posts:
theconstantinoplegardener · 04/08/2019 22:51

Is she still in touch with any of her friends from primary school? Perhaps she'd enjoy catching up with them. It can be quite comforting to have friends who don't attend the same school, as the friendship is unaffected by the drama and politics of whatever is happening at school.

Guiloak · 04/08/2019 22:49

It's a tricky age for the holidays they are too old to have playdates arranged for them and pretty hopeless at arranging to meet up with friends.

Friendships often change a lot in year 8. The bus sounds like a good idea. Are there no clubs she can do at school to widen her circle of friends?

There are lots of summer camps in my area for this age group they are usually specialist drama/dance/coding/a sport at least that will kill a few days in the hols.

Becles · 04/08/2019 22:26

Would suggest Guides as an extra curricular

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