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Original poster

Summer hols - no one to meet, DC's suggestions being blanked

34 replies

JoyceDivision · 04/08/2019 22:22

....not sure if there is any advice here or more just support...

DD finished year 7, gained place in a highly sought after secondary school (main feeder high school everyone else in her class went to, and which DD would have attended had she not received this place is dire- in special measures, so for her best shot education wise we opted for the place she has now)

DD is not hugely confident, she is a follower, not a leader. Exceptionally polite, funny, and grateful for friendships she forms.

The school she attends takes about 1/4 from local area and then 3/4 from wider catchment area, looking at people travelling 8 miles plus easily to attend. DD didn't have tuition to obtain a place, but many pupils did (not a stealth boat, DD is certainly not one of the high performers in the school) so it does not have a cluster of pupils who live close by.

So, we are in the holidays and so far one person has arranged to meet with DD. This is some DD has got to know part v way through the year, they have lots of other friends, but DD really looking forward to meeting up.

However, her main group of friends, while sharing posts on Instagram (I'm not a fan of social media but we v agreed DD could have this as it was the main form of communication and we weighed up pros and cons of her feeling left out without it) sandy suggestions to meet up are being ignored.

She hasn't got a huge circle of friends so the refusal to arrange anything has really upset her, although she is trying to not show it. I've suggested contacting people she gets on with but who might not be her main friends, but she said it would look silly her contacting them and they'd probably say no.

I'm dreading the rest of the holidays. We have a week away which means she wouldn't be able to meet anyone then but after that we'be got the rest of the holidays to fill.

I'be said when she goes back to school she has to get the bus home rather than me picking her up most of the time so she is mixing with people out of school (and I'd be happy if she wanted to hang out for a bit after school with others) but she had a bit of a melt down just before school broke up saying she feels nervous and worried all the time, she's really self conscious and worried people are always looking at her.

I'be emailed her new head of year so they are aware of this when she goes back, but otherwise I'm at a loss as to what to do.

She attends a ballet class but only been doing it a year with a couple of others so nothing social wise from that. She hates public situations, so anything new I suggest, drama club, dance classes, etc all meet with a terrified no.

Any comments appreciated.

OP posts:
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BubblesBuddy · 16/08/2019 19:04

All social Media sites can be ruined by nasty people. That’s the nature of them. Shame the old phone died a death!

IslandTulip · 16/08/2019 18:37

None of them are on whatsapp or any social media? The age for whatsapp was only raised to 16 last year and mine were on it before then. I only found out from this thread that it had since been raised to 16!
If you're a teacher you probably see the worst of the crap that social media can cause, but I think some teenagers can use whatsapp sensibly. Mine aren't friends with any bitchy drama queens on it so it's been fine.

cauliflowersqueeze · 16/08/2019 18:14

Between 11 and 16. I don’t go into detail on MN I’m afraid

IslandTulip · 16/08/2019 16:46

How old are yours cauli?

cauliflowersqueeze · 16/08/2019 15:49

It’s against their terms and conditions but if you feel that’s fine then go for it, it’s up to you.

Oblomov19 · 16/08/2019 13:17

Messaging one girl, who she feels closest to? out of the WhatsApp group to meet up individually?

What's the absolute worst that can happen? She teases dd and says to the rest of the group : "yuk dd asked to meet individually". In which case clearly she's not going to get anywhere with this group anyway!!

cauliflowersqueeze · 16/08/2019 13:07

I think it’s a fair expectation if it’s the terms and conditions.

W0rriedMum · 16/08/2019 13:01

@cauliflowersqueeze how old are you children? If between 11-16, I take my hat off to you for not allowing any social media. It would be immediate social isolation if I didn't allow WhatsApp at least. I held the line on Instagram until 13 but it wasn't easy.

cauliflowersqueeze · 16/08/2019 10:15

Hmmm. I think I’d agree with you that Instagram is seriously toxic. But WhatsApp can be really unpleasant too - excluding kids, emojis mocking etc. The full time aspect of it. Constantly on alert.

I’d like all social media to be banned for under 16s.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 16/08/2019 08:47

I didn’t know that. But it’s more harmless than Instagram.

I didn’t let her have insta until she was 13

cauliflowersqueeze · 15/08/2019 23:45

WhatsApp has an age limit of 16.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 15/08/2019 21:21

Several of my daughter’s close friends didn’t get into our local school.

At the end of year 7, l was still making all arrangements with parents for her to meet up with them. She’s going into y9 now and l no longer do this. So a big change in the space of one year.

However, they all have several group chats in Whatsapp. These has been great, because kids in different schools know each other now over WhatsApp, even though they had not previously known each other.They quite often meet up.

Could you suggest this rather than Instagram? Dd is often crying with laughter on Whatsapp. I don’t see her doing this in Instagram.

NellyBarney · 15/08/2019 21:13

I don't think her friends rejected her, it's often difficult to meet up with friends in the holidays as at this age most kids still depend on parents for driving them and most parents will be at work. Most of her friends are probably in some form of holiday camp/granny is to visit to look after them/summer aupair/staying with relatives/ are away on holiday with their parents or are stuck in front of the TV while a parent works from home and says categorically no to playdates as there is no way they get any work done while having kids over/driving own ones around (especially if more than 1 dc).

BubblesBuddy · 14/08/2019 09:23

Kant??? DC

BubblesBuddy · 14/08/2019 09:22

I think many parents very much organise their summer holidays for their DC and Kant are not floating around looking for friends. I think I would assume you need to do things as a family or she goes to a holiday camp. Mine actually went to a residential one at this age and absolutely loved it. There are loads of day ones near me and I would investigate for the rest of August or at least for next year if she has weeks and weeks with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

I agree the feeling of rejection isn’t wonderful but these DC are 11/12. They are doing what they want or what their family wants and are not thinking about others. I’m not sure DC really organise much at this age. If my DDs wanted to meet up with friends I contacted the parents due to logistics. We lived miles away so it always meant transport was a primary concern.

Alarmclockstop · 13/08/2019 22:38

My dd has a really great circle of friends since primary and is in year 7 and has only met up with one child so far. Mine still has summer mapped out, with my work and family days she doesn't have many days spare. At 12 still family summers friend summers will be soon enough.

cauliflowersqueeze · 13/08/2019 22:30

A lot will be away. Try to leave her be - only 3 weeks left to chill out before school starts.

And get her off Instagram. Source of total misery and she is underage.

itsabongthing · 08/08/2019 19:44

I wouldn’t assume everyone is meeting up and not including her or not wanting to meet up with her - some kids don’t feel the need to meet up with others and are happy hanging out with siblings/family/neighbours.
Others will be away, on holiday or spending time with grandparents or their other parent if parents are not together. Others will be in organised clubs whilst their parents work. Others will just be at home in front of computer/phone/TV screens!

LoveGrowsWhere · 06/08/2019 21:13

Year 7 is a funny one IMO as they try to quickly make friends & then realise maybe not got so much in common. I think a social group outside of school friends is essential for balance. Drama might be great or perhaps a sport not done at school eg squash or hockey which many don't start until secondary school age so not starting way behind.

Tanaqui · 06/08/2019 20:05

Do you have cousins / family friends you could do cool stuff with so she is busy and has something to.post about?

Original poster
JoyceDivision · 06/08/2019 19:59

Thanks everyone.

I'm.happy for her to use the social media as that's today's socialising to a certain extent. I'm not pushing her to be doing things, it's DD that has commented people are not taking up any offers of meeting up and it's getting her a but down. Honestly, I loved being sat on my arse with a book but I can see DD wants to be meeting up and her offers are being ignored,but good to hear it's not straight into a big thriving social.life in year 7!

OP posts:
Lightsabre · 06/08/2019 18:10

I'm still organising 'get togethers' at the end of year 8 for ds as he's so shy. Luckily he does still see a couple of his primary friends. I work full time so fill in the gaps with sports clubs and the odd friend from his new school joins in so they're not just sitting around gaming all day.

Sherry19 · 06/08/2019 16:42

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 05/08/2019 17:58

My 12 year old has one afternoon arranged with a new secondary school friend (he didn't know anyone in this school).

My eldest, aged 15, has been out every day.

Honestly, this seems to be very normal. DS1 made his proper friends in years 8 and 9, and only started to meet with them outside school in end year 9/start year 10.

I've always broken up their holidays with a mixture of screen time and local clubs, particularly as I'm working.

Are there local sports clubs (tennis, watersports etc) where she could just get out and meet people?

teta · 05/08/2019 16:23

She's 11 - just leave her be.
There's no need to be constantly socialising at this age. They're quite happy with other family members and parents. I'm speaking as the mother of 4 teenage and older. She will socialise when she's ready for it. You can't manufacture friendships in secondary school. Plus she will leave her old friends behind. This has happened to my two girls in the past when they moved from state to private education. Now at 20 & 15 they have friends everywhere.