Dd devastated- behaviour point

Bless her. I was the same - got 4 comments in secondary (our version of points) and cried after every one.

Just assure her that it's OK, that she's doing well and it's not the end of the world. That so long as she does her best and stays at a high standard then she'll be just fine and you're not mad. Tell her to take it as a learning curve and that she should double check she's done all of her homework.

She'll be just fine.

I think the fact that you've referred to her as 'devastated' is why people are talking about resilience.

I know my experiences may not directly relate but it may be of interest. My DS is Autistic and this kind of thing completely flaws him. It has a major effect on how he moves forwards. His natural resilience is very low.

I encourage discussion of issues, we storyboard what has happened and why. We talk about how the scenario within his control could have played out differently and how he'd handle it another time. We talk about why it's having an impact and the real factual implications of the incident.

DS finds email writing quite cathartic when he sees injustice. I encourage a few drafts to tone down his initial rather direct language but would your DD consider writing a letter to say the negative effect seeing the point has had. Maybe stating that she feels for all the hard work she puts in this is the one thing flagged against her name, a negative.

My DD school has a reward scheme, positive referral:earns a point and these go towards end of year rewards; like a trip out of school. They also have referrals for forgotten work, lateness etc but none of these are made public. I think putting them online isn't the best idea.

If the 'bad kids' get a behaviour point for forgetting a homework, then so should your dd, regardless of her previous good behaviour. There is no point in having a sanctions system if it is applied unfairly. And yy to what previous posters have said about resilience.

Your daughter was given the relevant "punishment" for forgetting homework, or whatever it was that caused this behaviour mark. It was issued correctly, and if she feels it was not, I'm sure she can discuss it with the teacher that issued it.

In regards to it being fair - it is. Whether she wants to accept that or not, is her choice, but the system should and I hope is treating all students fairly and issuing points correctly when and as needed. What would have been unfair is if she was being penalised for certain things that other students would not be penalised for - but that is not the case.

I think the worst thing you can do right now is add to her feeling of it being unfair. Instead, help her understand why it happened and that it's not a big deal but you hope this is something to learn from and move on. You continuing with the "woe is me" attitude for her is the worst thing you can do and no offence, that is what is being picked up from this thread.

Help her learn and move on from this. You've mentioned that she doesn't get rewarded for good behaviour, if she's overall a fantastic student, does she expect a parade every time? The fact this is her first behaviour point shows that she is a good student and doing her best. That is all that any parent and teacher can hope for.

Most teachers will always do their absolute best by their students and whether they consistently praise each student or not, they are aware of what student is doing what.

sometimes you try your hardest & things still go wrong. No biggie.

donquixote explains the systems as they operate and the mentality behind it.

It's an attempt at social engineering. It's not meant to be fair.

It’s just a bit unfair.

It's not unfair. It's explicitly fair- the school system was followed. What you are arguing is that it is too harsh, which is different.

How the administrative loss of one point, with no associated sanction for a first offence, can be too harsh is beyond me.

You are being completely irrational. Accept this and try to mitigate your behaviour before you pass it on to your daughter.

If she does something good she should get the same rewards as ‘badly behaved’ pupils?

No. Life is not fair. It's not fair that she gets better parents who brought her up properly, to the extent that she's worried about one missed point (and despite my comment above this is mostly a sign of how well you've done). It is not fair that her life prospects will be so much better as a result.

The teachers set expectations in line with children's capacity and try their best to appear fair. You have no clue what the 'bad' kids lives are like, but you should have a more realistic understanding of the world by now.

Leave the teachers to make their judgements and concentrate on helping your daughter be the best she can be. Be nothing but supportive of school and reassuring that she's doing fine when you talk to her.

How would you know what behaviour points other children get? It’s perfectly normal for some DC to get hardly any and others to get lots. One point in 4 years isn’t a big deal.

I can completely understand where your daughter is coming from. As a teacher I give every student that comes to my class and puts in the effort positive points, every single lesson. And I regularly hear that I am the only teacher to give top set students and year 10 and 11 positive points.
Honestly, I would encourage her to have a word with her form tutor. They will be able to say what it was for. And you are absolutely right, she is just human. She will forget things; don't we all. Sadly there are consequences and no one is exempt , but we move on.

We went through this, but honestly its helpful in the long run, they stop worrying about putting a foot wrong, realise their efforts are not that noticeable to others but nevertheless valuable to them, and get on with achieving but with less anxiety about ‘failure’.

Many behaviour points are not that justified, poor dd2 collected a few after I complained about a teacher (she was the only well behaved one in the class, had always had house points from that teacher previously, and her account seemed to stand up).

DS's school have positive and negative behaviour points...
If she's got a negative mark for missing homework I think that's fair enough but I agree they should be recognising the positive stuff too.
I received an email today saying DS has a detention tomorrow for missing homework... Its his first detention, I think he'd much rather a negative behaviour point!
It's his own fault though, he didn't do the homework and the consequences is a detention.

See not say

How do you know she doesn't ? Can you say the behaviour points of other pupils ?

My dr had this this.

Y8 and was marked as "disruptive" two weeks in a row for the same lesson and face facing a detention if a third happened.

It was a class she'd complained about since the start at being out of control and that not much work actually gets done. These two occasions she wasn't even in the class as school had arranged for the non disruptive ones to join another class so I knew she wasn't bullshitting when she said it wasn't her, I let the first time slide, and the second which looking back I shouldn't have, and when the class was told any disruption and they're all having detention she was anxious as she's never been in trouble if any kind, keeps her head down and wants to just work. Phoned the school and the teacher I spoke to teaches dd for English and said she's suprised because she's such a quiet girl, turned out because the majority of the class were disruptive she just marked everyone as it.

The parents evening before the end of y8 most of the teachers mentioned her year group being a very difficult one and how she's done well to not let it show in her grades. The teacher in particular apologised to her and said she knows she isn't disruptive and would not have meant her when she issued detentions. That all she had to do was keep her head down til the end of year and classes will be switching up big time for y9 and she should be in a class with much less disruptive children.

Some of the stories she's told me, I feel so sorry for the teachers and how bad it must be half a dozen teachers are apologising to parents about disruptive behaviour in their class.

If dd has been disruptive I'd have supported the school in giving detentions, I wasn't going to support it when she wasn't even in the class.

If she has forgotten homework I would expect an automatic behavior mark.

It's not unfair if she forgot her homework and the penalty is a behaviour point. It would be unfair to treat her differently to anyone else who forgot their homework.