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Original poster

Moving from private to state Yr 7/8

134 replies

glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 05:23

Dear All,

As you can see, the ungodly hour I am writing this means that I am stressed out if my eyeballs with worry.

Dd (currently yr7) is at a great private which she is flourishing at. She's been there since Yr2 and is very involved in every aspect. Drama and music scholar, but also very sporty (County at 2 sports) and bright- top set all round. She's in a very strong friendship group and is very loved.

Things were finely balanced. DH's wages pay household and running of, my wages pay school fees. The last year we have had a massive change of circumstance. I have had I'll health resulting in horribly long hospital stays, our youngest ds has been put on the radar for sen, so all in all, I took the decision to stay at home (he is pre-school) and spend more time with him. This has resulted in him making leaps and bounds with his communication and cognitive development. I'm over the moo and he is much happier and calmer. Middle ds (yr1) is making huge leaps because I am at home to read and spell with him and he is like a different child. So much more secure, less anxious and is loving school finally- reception he cried every single day. I feel like if I were to return to my very high pressured, long hours, long commute job, I would be throwing both boys under a bus. I have simply loved being home with them and to be there for when Dd comes home too.

Here comes the massive problem: we just simply cannot afford dd's school fees. Not even a little bit. I've been sticking my head in the sand this term hoping that money would some how magically appear out of my arse, but to no avail.

I'm going to sort out some part time, school(ish) hours work. Ds's school has no breakfast club and limited afterschool so options are limited.... but it will in now way make a dent in the school fees, plus... I'd actually like to live a bit. We haven't been on a holiday in years and we are always balancing every last penny. Our house is in desperate need of repairs, but there's just no money. Private school is a total pipe dream unless I am working to the point I barely see my children. We are very rural so everything takes so much longer and is so much further away- we can't move, tied to family property and could not afford to buy elsewhere.

Im just so sick of worrying about it. I'm up most nights. DH going to talk to bursar today, but we don't hold out much hope. They are a tightly run unit and have a strict 'no more than 50%' policy- which she is already on. I don't know of anyone who has ever exceeded it.

So I am looking at the local state today. The school looks great and is outstanding, but is in an incredibly rough town and there have been rumours of County lines drugs and there was recently a stabbing type incident in the school. I know no one at the school so can't find any further information beyond what is in the papers.

Both DH and I were privately educated so we are stupidly institutionalised. I'm terrified that she will be unsafe or bullied horrendously. That's no reflection on state education, just my own ridiculous ignorance.

If she moves at the end of year 7 will she be bullied for being the new girl? Will she settle OK? She's so funny and beautiful and I love her so much, but I cannot go bankrupt just to keep her at school. How do I go about all of this?

It feels like [redacted]'s choice. Either I risk my Dd potentially being unhappy (or she could flourish???... Some private to state success stories would be really appreciated) or I feel like I'm abandoning my boys to keep her in a school that we cannot realistically afford anyway.

I'm so so sorry if this is rambly nonsense, but I've been up since 1am with it all going round and round my head whilst googling 'local state school drugs/grooming/bullying'.

We should have pulled her at the end of year six, but we're swept up in the scholarships/ we can do this if we knuckle down/ isn't it lovely wave...

Please tell me that it's all going to be OK. I'm exhausted.

Identifying information edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 25/02/2019 07:59

You do realise your child is as likely to be bullied at private school?

If your DD plays a lot of club sport, does she already know DC who go to the school? If she doesnt could you consider an after school club so she can get to know some more informally?
I don't think joining in year 8 is at all an issue. My DCs' experience is that friendships are still very fluid.

MsTSwift · 25/02/2019 07:59

Also look on the bright side oxbridge are really trying at address private school bias so might stand her in good stead getting good grades from state.

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 07:57

yep- lots of people i work(ed) with have had perfectly great state education and have brilliant jobs.

i'm afraid i've been a rather narrow minded idiot and had gone into total panic over a stupid googling session at silly o'clock in the morning.

I think most of all though, i hate the thought of moving her.

be that from private to state, state to state or private to private. she's very settled and happy and i think i was looking for excuses to scream 'she's going to fall apart' so i didn't have to move her. before really assessing the situation like a sensible rational adult.

this really isn't a state vs private thing- I'm aware that there will be huger differences, but actually, i'm really looking forward to seeing her more- perhaps feeling a little more involved and having her close by- putting the money issue aside (which is obviously huuuuge) i'm just hoping she can make new friends, be happy and grow into her new environment.

thanks so much for all your replies, you've, massively helped a lady spinning out of control!

OP posts:
Gooseysgirl · 25/02/2019 07:55

Good luck with it OP... night-time catastrophising is definitely a thing - I am regularly guilty of it 🙋🏼‍♀️ It's a beautiful part of the country there - wish we could visit more often. Good luck with school visits ☘️ and I hope it all works out well xx

Panicmode1 · 25/02/2019 07:54

Our local rag leaps on stories of bad behaviour in the state schools and turns a blind eye to the equally bad if not worse antics of private school peers as those schools pay the paper for shed loads of advertising hmm. So you are getting a skewed view.

Exactly this. Paying fees is no barrier to bad behaviour, drugs, bullying or anything else, so go with an open mind! 93% of children in this country don't have fees paid for their education......

MsTSwift · 25/02/2019 07:51

Our local rag leaps on stories of bad behaviour in the state schools and turns a blind eye to the equally bad if not worse antics of private school peers as those schools pay the paper for shed loads of advertising Hmm. So you are getting a skewed view.

JW13 · 25/02/2019 07:47

@glindathegoodbitch I went to state school and am a lawyer, as did DH (partner in a London law firm). Most of my friends/peers who are lawyers also went to state schools. No need to worry there!

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 07:46

I'm going to ring both today to see about spaces- haven't even googled langport huish .... which is probably a good thing as i have over-googled Holyrood. fresh eyes and all that.

I'm not sure she'll be able to get transport to huish though and there is defo a school bus from the top of our local village to chard.

DH just gone to work on a really positive tone and Dd looking brighter this morning. Dh and I agree that private school was wonderful , but totally out of our reach and we really should have pulled the plug upon discovering surprise ds2 pregnancy as three x fees was going to be ridiculous even if all had got scholarships as dd. as dd said... time for a new adventure!

OP posts:
Cheetahssitonfajitas · 25/02/2019 07:45

Or sports equivalent...

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 25/02/2019 07:45

Look at getting her enrolled in a Saturday performing arts club, Stagecoach or similar local to you/Chard. That way she can meet and make likeminded friends and hopefully a good proportion of them will be at the new state school.

MsTSwift · 25/02/2019 07:41

Dh and I both got to magic circle law firms from state schools dh went to Cambridge too.

Fazackerley · 25/02/2019 07:32

There are really badly behaved kids at private secondary too. There's something more repulsive about the entitled ones tbh.

Fazackerley · 25/02/2019 07:31

Huish genuinely is good at sport. Really good footie and running.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 25/02/2019 07:22

Things always seem worse in the middle of the night. I do the same worrying about things.

Hope the visit goes well.

ASauvignonADay · 25/02/2019 07:21

Bright, hard working kids will do well anywhere.

You need to change the way you think and speak about state schooling as if she goes in with your attitude, and thinks she is better than everyone else, she will hate it and probably be treated differently by her peers.

from personal experience (I work in a mainstream in a deprived area), kids at private school get involved as drugs as easily as those in state. I know kids of 14 in both sectors who are recreationally using drugs. It's a scary world but not contained to state education!

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 07:20

If we don't have school fees, I can afford to be at home after school to tutor and support so much more for all three of them.

The sun is rising here properly now. Feeling a lot more positive. Feel like a bit of an idiot. I clearly watch too much shit TV!

OP posts:
Panicmode1 · 25/02/2019 07:20

I read your post early this morning so I missed that you are fairly local to where I grew up. I don't know where you are exactly, but my parents aren't a million miles from Chard so I totally get that the Western Gazette may be over egging the headlines on the school issues front!! My brother and I were at boarding schools in Oxford and Dorset so we grew up reading the lurid stories in the paper in the school holidays and my mother was convinced that all local schools were Grange Hill - but that was a fairly long time ago and things have changed. However, as a PP poster says, school budgets ARE under huge pressure, but I'm constantly staggered by what my children's schools manage to achieve on so little. DS's school have fencing, shooting, huge drama, art, sport etc - although it is admittedly a state grammar.

Have you also looked at Huish Academy in Langport - I know that has an amazing reputation (certainly for sixth form) and regularly sends children to Oxbridge etc but it may be a bit far depending on how rural you are to Chard.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2019 07:19

“The GCSE results are average so I'd get a tutor for maths English or and science”

If it’s outstanding then the kids must make at least expected progress- so I would hold off on tutoring until you’re sure it’s necessary. Are there any extra curricular things, Scouts or Youth Theatre or something where she can keep in touch with her old friends?

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 25/02/2019 07:19

Can you look at the other state school that the siblings go to? There's probanly a reason they go there.

Just trying to see if yheres other options to explore

Fazackerley · 25/02/2019 07:15

The GCSE results are average so I'd get a tutor for maths English or and science.

I've done many state and private options in an area not a million miles away and the sport is nothing like as good at state school, but if you make an effort it's fine. I expect you'll have to give a terms notice at your current school so you need to crack on.

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 07:10

God, so if I applied, she'd essentially have 31 days to start!!!! Shit.

OK. (deep breath).

Being totally positive about everything infront of dd and ds's- they are very much of the loose lips sink ships category and frequently dob me in for crap things I've said inadvertently.

God, I love a shiny website!! Totally fallen for the sports page. Dd already plays a lot of club sport and we're a v.sporty family so she'll get her fill of exercise, plus she'll have to cycle to bus stop - which she's weirdly excited about(!?) as we live in the middle of nowhere.

Am going to speak to as many of ds's friends parents as I can...... Tomorrow (literally just found out its an inset day!!) but most siblings seem to go to another state or on to private. Not sure why?? We are right in the edge of the catchment though so that might explain it.

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 25/02/2019 07:08

It's last Ofsted was outstanding. You could always go back to private for 6th form. And crewkerne has a Waitrose Grin

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 25/02/2019 07:01

Is your DS at state school? Where do the kids from your boys schools go after year 6? Is it the school your thinking of for your DD?

Do any of your son's friends have older brothers and sisters already at the secondry school?

Could you possiably link them up and maybe take them out shopping/to drama/do something fun so that when she starts she at least knows soneone.

Blankscreen · 25/02/2019 07:00

Ok so I moved at age 12 from private school to state senior as I was being horrendously bullied. I was so much happier at the state school and I found the children much nicer.

We moved s from private to state school nearly 2 years ago and he is very happy. Isn't aware of a difference between state and private schools.

We are now thinking about senior and I'm being tempted by one of the local private schools. I would also need to work full time to fund it. I too was magining the state option to be like Grange hill and it took my mum to remind me of my experiences and I've now ruled that eprivate option out.

Your dd will be fine.

PetuliaBlavatsky · 25/02/2019 07:00

My DD moved from a private prep to a state secondary. We worried and panicked and stressed about it (not to her, obviously) but it's been so good for her. Ironically we moved her to get away from the bullying and claustrophobic nature of her being in a small year (of about 40). Her new friends are so much nicer. The only bullying we've encountered over the private/state move has been from the other private school kids, not from the state school ones. We wanted to get away from the private bubble too, she was in a particularly wealthy year group where it was the norm to have swimming pools and manor houses.
The sport has been a challenge because it's just not at the same level or frequency but she does it out of school now. It's been a very positive experience for us.