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Original poster

Moving from private to state Yr 7/8

134 replies

glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 05:23

Dear All,

As you can see, the ungodly hour I am writing this means that I am stressed out if my eyeballs with worry.

Dd (currently yr7) is at a great private which she is flourishing at. She's been there since Yr2 and is very involved in every aspect. Drama and music scholar, but also very sporty (County at 2 sports) and bright- top set all round. She's in a very strong friendship group and is very loved.

Things were finely balanced. DH's wages pay household and running of, my wages pay school fees. The last year we have had a massive change of circumstance. I have had I'll health resulting in horribly long hospital stays, our youngest ds has been put on the radar for sen, so all in all, I took the decision to stay at home (he is pre-school) and spend more time with him. This has resulted in him making leaps and bounds with his communication and cognitive development. I'm over the moo and he is much happier and calmer. Middle ds (yr1) is making huge leaps because I am at home to read and spell with him and he is like a different child. So much more secure, less anxious and is loving school finally- reception he cried every single day. I feel like if I were to return to my very high pressured, long hours, long commute job, I would be throwing both boys under a bus. I have simply loved being home with them and to be there for when Dd comes home too.

Here comes the massive problem: we just simply cannot afford dd's school fees. Not even a little bit. I've been sticking my head in the sand this term hoping that money would some how magically appear out of my arse, but to no avail.

I'm going to sort out some part time, school(ish) hours work. Ds's school has no breakfast club and limited afterschool so options are limited.... but it will in now way make a dent in the school fees, plus... I'd actually like to live a bit. We haven't been on a holiday in years and we are always balancing every last penny. Our house is in desperate need of repairs, but there's just no money. Private school is a total pipe dream unless I am working to the point I barely see my children. We are very rural so everything takes so much longer and is so much further away- we can't move, tied to family property and could not afford to buy elsewhere.

Im just so sick of worrying about it. I'm up most nights. DH going to talk to bursar today, but we don't hold out much hope. They are a tightly run unit and have a strict 'no more than 50%' policy- which she is already on. I don't know of anyone who has ever exceeded it.

So I am looking at the local state today. The school looks great and is outstanding, but is in an incredibly rough town and there have been rumours of County lines drugs and there was recently a stabbing type incident in the school. I know no one at the school so can't find any further information beyond what is in the papers.

Both DH and I were privately educated so we are stupidly institutionalised. I'm terrified that she will be unsafe or bullied horrendously. That's no reflection on state education, just my own ridiculous ignorance.

If she moves at the end of year 7 will she be bullied for being the new girl? Will she settle OK? She's so funny and beautiful and I love her so much, but I cannot go bankrupt just to keep her at school. How do I go about all of this?

It feels like [redacted]'s choice. Either I risk my Dd potentially being unhappy (or she could flourish???... Some private to state success stories would be really appreciated) or I feel like I'm abandoning my boys to keep her in a school that we cannot realistically afford anyway.

I'm so so sorry if this is rambly nonsense, but I've been up since 1am with it all going round and round my head whilst googling 'local state school drugs/grooming/bullying'.

We should have pulled her at the end of year six, but we're swept up in the scholarships/ we can do this if we knuckle down/ isn't it lovely wave...

Please tell me that it's all going to be OK. I'm exhausted.

Identifying information edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
chocatoo · 25/02/2019 17:36

You have my sympathy. I must say that at this stage of the game, I feel most concerned for your daughter as the 2 younger ones are happy where they are and you have already said that you have an excellent state school that they will probably get into, but your daughter can't access it because it's full.

Firstly I think you should ensure she is on the waiting list for the good school (but if it is really good, I wonder how many pupils leave). I would be anxious about putting her into the school that has places because where we live, that would be the school that no one else wants to go to, although many poorer performing schools are actually 'on the up' with the most talented teachers being recruited to turn them around (and some Outstanding schools have not been reviewed by OFSTED for years).
I would consider looking further afield and I think you need to do A LOT of homework before you decide where to send her.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 25/02/2019 17:31

I was one of those critical of your use of words but i do get that it came on the back of slwep deprived over thinking and we all get ourselves over wroght sometimes.

8n terms of home ed, would it be an option to home ed the begining of the year while your waiting for a place?

Now entirely diffetent situation and not that middle school but i went to middle school for a year, admitedly it was year 5 rather than year 8. But then maybe it would give her the chance to make friends before moving on to high school? If indeed any one is moving on from tje school as you say their planming to extend in to year 11. I appricate its not the best school and your H might rule it out, i'm just trying to put something positive on the situation.

I'm not sure about re thinking going back to work, as some ones said all three would benifit from you being at home more amd having the extra money for activities. Again trying to be positive.

Thing is, if tje council place your DD at the middle school and you refuse it, im not sure their obliged to find sone where else. I might be wrong, but i think they've fulfilled their requirement to find your child a place. Like i say i'm not a hundred percent. And i understand your concerns. Hopefully some one more knowledgeable will cortect me.

Blankscreen · 25/02/2019 16:36

Op you're in a really hard situation and whatever decision will probably leave you feeling like one of your children is the sacrificial lamb.

BUT all three of your children will/can benefit by you not working full time just to pay for 1 of them the go to private school.

Definitely start the process now and hopefully something will come out in the wash in time for you to seve notice and draw a line on the fees end of this academic year. You need to be careful you don't find yourselves out of time and being liable for September. AT DS old school we had to give notice before we went back for the summer term.

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 16:31

And no, even working full time, we couldn't afford all three in at once
gets a little bit of arse sweat on at the thought

OP posts:
Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 16:28

We wouldn't put the boys in private until later- even if by some miracle we could afford it. they absolutely love their little primary and it's most definitely the best thing for ds2. he's such a monkey, but they really let him be himself and he shines there. i'm actually a little bit i n love with the school.

where we lived before the primary catchment was severely competitive. we missed out when we moved when she was in yr2 as no places available hence the private school early doors. if we had been able to get her in to a good one within a few miles, we would have sent her there.

OP posts:
Hamsternauts · 25/02/2019 16:20

If you went back to work to keep dd in private would you be able to put your other dcs in private too? If not it would all be about benefiting your dd but nothing in it for your other dc.

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 16:13

yes @chocatoo me too. I just don't know how that would work with DS's school and nursery(preschool) limited after and before care. preschool 9-3 and DS2(SEN radar) is very very settled after months of not being. he's making so much progress and he's really relishing the small environment and having me to support him around it.... back to the hobson's (definitely not sophie's) choice- her school and work lots, disrupting little ds's... or their school and having me support them, but she has to come out.

I'm so grateful to have three happy, healthy children and DS2 has been through so so much. I couldn't whip him out and change nursery. as stated, we live in the middle of nowhere with no family really close so help with pickups would be possible, but limited.

spinning around and around in circles. every time i think of a solution, another problem turns up.

OP posts:
Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 16:05

Yes, sorry @greyroses I did.
The school is pretty good and I'm sure if I pleaded extreme poverty we could come to some arrangement? If not, I'd have to keep her in until we'd finished everything we'd paid for and just stick my head in the sand a little bit more.

I definitely need to see what school says before making any arrangements with a new school etc. but I think if i get the application in and then start appeal process, I may get a bit of a head start as opposed to beginning when we've already finished iyswim.
getting my cheap poundland upside-down floating ducks in a row...

OP posts:
chocatoo · 25/02/2019 16:02

Maybe you need to rethink going back to work?

GreyRoses · 25/02/2019 15:59

OP, did you see my reply saying you'd be liable for the fees now up to the end of the academic year?

So whipping her anywhere is a waste of that money. You will have to pay for next term and the rest of this term in any case.

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 15:45

I'm really sorry if i offend anyone who's children go to the school fed from the middle school- but no. I don't know much about it, but it doesn't have a great reputation and results are largely well below average.

seriously considering homeschool right now.... except I'm pretty sure we'd kill each other after a week. I have absolutely no patience and she is so sociable and lively, i think just my company would drive her insane. she hates the summer holidays as we live in the middle of nowhere and literally counts the days down to going back to school. as much as where we live is beautiful... it doesn't beat a gaggle of girls on a sports field.

OP posts:
Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 15:40

oh god yes- Hobson's choice... i knew it was 'something' choice. I think it was all the Oscar chat that made me think of Meryl Streep .

Bloody night time googlefest.

OP posts:
Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 15:38

Yes- Wadham... but they are now going to extend the school to accommodate up to 16?? It's a tiny site, I can't even see how that would be possible? I'm going to look round Thursday morning, but the stats are all below average- up to 10% off national average and Wadham has low stats too. They've announced today that a new academy trust is taking over.

the whole decision feels really rushed and I'm really really sure that the middle school isn't the place for her- it has a very primary school feel and she's very grown up. I think she'd be really unhappy but be really stoic and keep it all bottled up. i love her so much, i just don't want to get this wrong. DH was born locally and I'm pretty sure he'll say the middle school is a no go. we've never even considered it, even though it's in the next town.

Going to fill out the application forms for the big secondary and then appeal?

OP posts:
AornisHades · 25/02/2019 15:37

Yes, does the middle school feed into a good school? They must have some arrangement to get children into the full secondary schools.
If so it could be quite a smart move. Your dd would go into a slightly smaller school which might be less of a shock to a big secondary, make some friends locally that she could move on with.

BartonHollow · 25/02/2019 15:36

I wouldn't lose hope for a full scholarship if she's a pupil the school doesn't want to lose.

It's a shit decision but you are making the right one Thanks

Hobsons Choice is the descriptor you were looking for

Fazackerley · 25/02/2019 15:31

Is the local middle a feeder for the others?

Original poster
glindathegoodbitch · 25/02/2019 15:28

ugh. What a crap day. lots of phone calls to all the big local(ish) secondaries. all full except a small local middle school- which if she joined, she'd have to move on from in a year anyway- so more disruption. plus sport is pretty non-existent i think (don't quote me on that, but it doesn't seem to have much pf a presence on the website).
plus they have announced today that they are totally reforming the school and it's in upheaval. I just don't feel confident in it at all. The head seemed absolutely lovely, but it just doesn't feel right.
would now rip my arm off for the big catchment secondary.

Dh has a meeting with bursar tomorrow- of which i'm not holding out much hope. i feel heartbroken for dd as i'd sold her the idea on the premise of the bid secondary, but the waiting list is huge apparently.

I'm so naive, just thought i'd be able to rip off the plaster, whip her out and she'd be in and making new friends asap.

my beautiful ds's have been a complete handful today- they seem to sniff out inset days as something to christmas level excited about, when I've had loads on my mind and i'm completely bloody shattered.

going to fill out bursary forms tonight when back from hospital and then pass out!

Thanks so much for all your replies- even the ones lambasting my choice of words... sometimes i need help to not be a bumbling Boris Johnson in a wig xx

OP posts:
SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 25/02/2019 12:36

Average is fine. Average usuallu means it has high abiliyy kids who do well and low ability kids who do as well as they can and the results are ....averaged.... resulting in an average result fof the school!

Doesnt mean anyone needs extra tutoring!!

RedSkyLastNight · 25/02/2019 12:31

“The GCSE results are average ... er probably because it's a comp that pulls in a wide ability range ....?
(actually I made the mistake of googling the school and found that the results were better than at the school my DC attend - from which I can assure OP that the results are average due to the intake - able children will still be ending up with a set of results that are 7+ !!)

dairymilkmonster · 25/02/2019 11:29

You poor thing. Ignore all the nasty comments; those folks can see how they like it when they need support (whatever for) and just get thoughtless insults.

It sounds like your dd would be going to a good school. Once you aren't paying fees, perhaps some cash can be put aside for drama classes, extra sport outside of school if needed. State schools often have much shorter days so there is more time for extra curricular out of school.

I changed schools at the end of yr7, due to a house move, and it was fine. My sister went comprehensive to private boarding starting in yr9 (I was at uni then) when my dad's job was moved abroad - that also went much more smoothly than expected.

Take your time to decide.

You could also approach the school re hardship funds/bursaries.

Remember that your other kids will grow and you may feel you want to work later on.

MsTSwift · 25/02/2019 10:28

In our peer group (tertiary educated all with professional type jobs) only one family have gone private. Think it’s less of the norm than it used to be.

sm40 · 25/02/2019 10:24

I went to private school. My dh to a grammar, then we both went oxbridge. Sent my ds to private primary. He's now at the local outstanding secondary. He loves it. Ok so not as fancy and not learning mandarin, but he's happy. It was a leap of faith but so far so good. He's made friends with some lovely people, tells me about the 'naughty' kids, who the school deal with, and who he ignores.
As for drugs, at oxbridge, the biggest druggies were the ones with the most expensive educations!

SnuggyBuggy · 25/02/2019 09:57

Fingers crossed OP. You obviously want what's best for her and it sounds like a very stressful situation

AornisHades · 25/02/2019 09:52

Don't panic about a lack of spaces. You will have to apply to the county council for a school. They will identify the nearest space. You can then access waiting lists and you have some time to sit on them. If there aren't any spaces within a certain distance then you get into appeals and Fair Access Protocols.
The council will have all the procedures on line and for specific questions MN is pretty good for admissions advice.

MsTSwift · 25/02/2019 09:52

I went to a rural comp and had never been exposed to sex or drugs until I went to stay with my mothers school friend whose dd and friends were at St. Paul’s girls when I was 15. Oh my god my eyes were opened. I scuttled back to my Somerset comp with some relief.