I feel I don’t fit in with other parents (private school)

I don’t think this is a case of making friends, it’s feeling out of place. You see a tank full of exotic fish and you are the brown trout! Perfectly lovely in every way but you need fresh water and they need salt water.

I know exactly what you are talking about! There can be an exotic wealthy clique and they will stick together. They will know each other from prep school. It’s tribal. It’s the way it is. However I have always found some who are friendly, some who are not pretentious and some who do want your company! It might just be a case of looking a bit more to see who is like you? Are there bursary parents? Not that you would obviously know them but it might become apparent. They probably won’t be the exotic fish!

I would go to school events as much as possible. I always did and I’m not posh. DD went from state promary to boarding school. I found parents like me. I wouldn’t advocate running away and not speaking. If your DD is happy and doing well, you can hold your head up! Don’t change. Keep being you. Don’t worry about the exotic fish. There will be other parents feeling the same as you. You just need to meet each other.

OP, I agree with others that it’s not necessary to make friends with secondary school parents. When I go to parents evening, I don’t even register the other parents to be honest. I’m just focused on getting round all the teachers.

Also, be careful not to let any possible insecurities block you from chatting to people. Just because some may be “uber rich” doesn’t mean they’re not perfectly lovely, kind people. And I don’t agree that state school and prep children don’t mix at independent secondaries - not at all. In DS’ friendship group there are all nationalities and income brackets - from minor ME royalty to a few who live on council estates - and I can honestly say they take each other as they come and there have never been any issues whatsoever.

You will find that the parents you perceive as “other” to you probably have no sense of themselves as a homogenous group and don’t even know / care who the other parents are.

I am in the exact same position. In london, state primary, then exclusive private secondary school. We are comfortably off but the uber wealth on display shocked me. I have not made one single friend or even acquaintance, the other parents seem from a different world. I’ve noticed that now in year 8 my eldest is mainly friends with ex state school kids, even at that age it’s hard for the mega rich and the more normal kids to form an understanding and bond.

I can remember feeling like this too when 1 of our kids went to a private Prep school, Year 7. Especially when there were swimming/athletic days & quite distinct groups of the "in" mums & dads talking, but fall silent if I tried to join in, introduce myself. Son had lots of friends & visited with other boys too in the weekends, but I felt we were just treated like "a short-term rich family that would be gone soon". Maybe it was my own insecurities, but would have liked for it ie, the school community to more inclusive.

Do you really need to make small talk with other parents at parents evening etc, ive always just waited outside the classroom and never talked to a parent unless I know them. Relish the fact your not at the primary school gates!

At Dd's secondary i know about 6 of the parents closely but thats because we have run in the same circles for years (same primary or sports club etc).

I could count on one hand the amount of times i have meet friends of dd's parents and she is year 9.

It is possible to be happen in any school. Just skip it. If you child feels happy there, this is the best award to you. I am talking time to time with five parents in our class, all others prefer ignore me. Actually because I am different and not interested in pampers 😂.

Goposie: That will not be the case.

If dd is lucky she might get to one of her private choices. One is so fantastically posh and exclusive that I felt totally inadequate at the open days exam days etc despite being a successful professional who can hold her own in most situations. If she gets in I will worry neither she nor I will fit in and her friends won’t want to come back to our house!

I love not having to be in contact with other parents at secondary unless i choose to and i left the Year 7 parent whatsapp group i was on as it was like they were competing to see who could complain about the pettiest thing about the school. Bliss!

Embrace it! It's true at secondary you barely have to interact with other parents unless you want to. I'll give lifts to DSs friends to sports fixtures & they just get out with a thank you. I feel no need to escort them the front door & make small talk with a parent.

I'm guessing your DD joined the school this year.

Secondary isn't like primary. Parents aren't closely involved, don't really get to know each other. Smile, nod, have unexceptional small talk, and be really relieved that you are now at arms length.

You wouldn't have any particular expectations fellow members of the audience of a concert anywhere else, so no need bring them to school with you.

I would take that as an opportunity to not have to get involved in any of the school mums stuff and would be bloody relieved!

At my sons (private) school I'm always looked at like the outsider at parents evenings etc. I think the mums have a WhatsApp group that I'm not part of.

This is fine by me, thanks.