I feel I don’t fit in with other parents (private school)

WombatChocolate nailed it (in my opinion). We often project our own insecurities. I am very well aware of social anxiety, but have come to realize that it's only the one-digit millionaires who try to show off/ be rude. The two-digit millionaires are perfectly lovely!!

(Also - this is a joke - I was just trying to point out that everyone has their anxiety, even the super rich. You might be surprised to know there are lovely super rich and horrible poor people, so I wouldn't compartmentalize like that)

Aristocracy have old bangers for school runs! The wannabes have Range Rovers! Of course you can tell who’s got money and who is posh! My DDs did socialise though.

I’m happy to still be driving around London including to the odd post trip school pickup in my 18yr old Peugeot - runs like a dream

I doubt they are judging you on how much money you’ve got - how would they know for a start

outside London the sort of car you drive is a bit of an indicator. Of course people choose cars for different reasons, but on the whole, if you are well off, you drive an expensive car. If you don't have much money, you don't. It will sound ridiculous but we drove a Honda Jazz for a bit because my father gave up driving and gave it to us. Eventually we bought a different car and I kid you not, there was an instant change of attitude from the parents of kids ds played football with as well as a lady down our road whose son was a similar age to ds, suddenly he was allowed out to play with ds.

People do judge on perceived wealth, and they make very quick assumptions based on not very much evidence. However, I think the truly wealthy don't care because they feel no need to compete. The aspirational sharp elbowed middle classes probably do look for wealthier people to be friends with because they are trying to work their way up the wealth greasy pole. I've certainly noticed it in my area.

The only thing you have in common with other parents is that your children are at the same school. That's it.

I feel like this most places I go. Definitely feel very out of place amongst the usual parents from school who actually show their face at school crowd. I don’t think it really matters.

This is an interesting thread. I’ve noticed that the OP hasn’t actually said that the other parents are treating her differently (and has said that her daughter is happy at the school).

I would try to look at this another way. Even if the other parents are better off, they will still benefit from knowing you. Please don’t go in with the mindset that the parents are “other”, assume that they will like you and enjoy your company. Your family deserve to be at the school as much as anyone else.

Apart from anything else, having someone treat you as someone who is other is actually quite stressful and hard work.

I just find that I don't have much in common with the other parents at dc's public school. DC, yes, but other than school talk, I can't contribute to the conversations.

Viola111 thanks for your response to my post.

I have had a truly awful few days (unrelated to these messages) but I just want to thank you for your empathy I appreciate it.

The way to think of it is like this: it’s your child’s school. Not yours. As long as your child is happy, does it matter if you aren’t bestie mates with the other parents? And why should you be, just because you have kids of the same age? Please try not to worry.

Viola: you trust your DC to make nice friends! You cannot helicopter forever. Children generally don’t come from unsafe homes.

I’m afraid those that think schools treat all parents identically are sadly wrong. In the independent sector some parents are invited to dinners at school and have preferential tickets to school plays etc precisely because the school wants their money! Schools have “levels” of parents and actively court the rich ones for ££££. Many have Foundations with tiers of giving and the parents who contribute are definitely top dogs. Look at the Arnold Foundation at Rugby. They exist to provide bursary money and similar organisations in other schools might fund new buildings and refurbishment. Schools keep records of giving and family trees so they know who to contact and invite to events. Where my DDs went to school I actually volunteered to contact people about supporting the school and coming to special events. The school would then tap them for money. I don’t have that amount of spare money so that was my contribution: time. Other parents with very high powered jobs were conspicuously targeted. So no, some are far more equal than others and they know it!

Hi seazer

You are not alone. I was very surprised by the behaviour of some people when starting a (state) primary. I had assumed many behaviours were left in childhood! I've experienced people that chat one day, ignore the next, unfortunately a couple that after being 'friends' suddenly start excluding you from shared groups (what helped here was having seen them do something similar to others) and also a group of sahm's interested only in what seemed to be social climbing! (That was hilarious! One lady would just enter a group of people talking, barge through and stand Infront of her target and in engage in deep conversation as if no one else was there!!!)
I have come to just laugh about it mostly now, although I have found it painful/upsetting along the way. I have learnt to be polite but keep my distance from those parents who seem to have issues who happen to be mum to my child's friends. Having good friends that I can talk to and laugh about it all with helps!

I'm not sure how I feel about moving into the secondary school system. DD has chosen a school where she will know very few others. Whilst it may be nice to escape the school gate stuff, how do you judge whether it's appropriate or safe for your DC to go to other people's homes if you've not met them? 😬

Just because they are different and (you guess) have lots of money does not mean that they are not nice people. It is not good to stereotype and have just one “type”

This certainly wasn’t my experience op. My dcs’ school fees were paid by their grandparents.
Our house is small and scruffy but none of the dcs’ well off friends seemed to have any objection and I found all the parents perfectly friendly. I still meet up with a couple of them from time to time and we would meet up more were it not for the fact we live some distance from each other.
I doubt they are judging you on how much money you’ve got - how would they know for a start?

This kind of thing is often about insecurity. People in all kinds of unfamiliar social situations think they don’t fit in and perceive that others are either judging them or are very different to them or are being cliquey.

In all scenarios some have more wealth or income than others and different life experiences. Unless you’ve led an extremely narrow life with only a very very narrow group of people you will have always been with a range, even if not fully aware. What has perhaps changed is just your heightened awareness of it. So some people enter new situations actively looking for differences or for people judging them etc - usually because of unfamiliarity or insecurity.

I would say you can choose how you perceive others and the way you approach those situations. In reality most people are nice and if you enter positively will be friendly. Existing friendships will exist and always take time to get to know people and that has to be expected and realistic expectations held. So you do have to give it time and if judging others based on a short period, wrong judgements can be reached. And when you’re the new one, the reality is you often have to make more than 50% effort.

There might be differences in wealth or holidays. But do you look for similarities in values and approach to parenting or education or other areas which matter. Are you looking for differences rather thN common ground? Remember you are not defined by wealth even in an independent school. Other children and parents like those who are friendly, empathetic and who get involved. These things might not come easily to you. And some differences between you and some others might exist, but it’s about if you think they matter or allow them to matter. In all likelihood those differences matter little to the others and far more to you, so work on reducing their importance to you and establishing your own self esteem and values beyond money.

I barely know a single soul at my oldest kid's secondary school.

Tbh it's not my experience.. we are outside London.
I found the state primary parents not very friendly. Yr4 we moved DS to a private school. The parents are v friendly but not very posh. The families are all both parents working and no one has a massive house.
We avoided a prep school which is nearer to us but more ra with farmers with small stately homes. Perhaps you've not chosen the right school for your social values?

I think the bulk of replies weren't saying that op!

Yep, another one like you here!
My dc has a large bursary to a v posh senior school. I feel v v much out of place. I buy my clothes from supermarkets and look very different to the uber rich designer clad sahm's. I also work so am often late for events and turn up on my own as dh can't (afford to) skip his evening work.
I can't comment on going to high profile events, or going on holidays, so often have nothing to add to a conversation. It is just that we live in different worlds.

But then dc is happy and doing well, so that makes it all ok. I have one mum friend there who is more normal, so I just talk to her!

You know, it's fine. You sound lovely, and that's what matters!

Yes that is the great thing about secondary - no expectation to be friends with people!

I do know what you mean. My daughter came from a state primary and got a bursary to a top independent school. Now in year 8 she has made a lot of (lovely) friends but seems to have been drawn towards the other state school/bursary pupils and is very much aware of what she calls 'The squad' - i.e. the v rich, 'popular' girls who have mostly come up from the junior school or other private schools. But she's not remotely bothered by it and happy to have people back to our house - and similarly I have dropped her at friends' huge houses and council flats with not room to swing a cat. As for the parents, I know a few, I did go to one 'cocktail' party in year 7 where I did feel a bit self conscious about my accent/fact I'd never been skiiing (they had all just come back from skiing trips, or so it seemed) but I just thought sod it and actually, everyone was very nice. Like others say there's no need to socialise when your kids are in secondary and that suits me fine. As long as my daughter is happy I don't care.

Hi OP

I am in the same position at a small state primary school.

People assume we are well off because my husband has a top job.

There are people who are busy working and they seem lovely but obviously these parents are busy working.

The pta crowd ( who seem to have rich or well off husbands who work) so mostly sahm but bizarrely all though the stay are home mums are not employed with paid jobs they then put down the unemployed or working poor parents, or have even said bordering on racist comments, both of which my husband and I can't stand so although we were kind of invited to fit in there we objected to how they spoke about other parents and made that clear.

In retribution we have been banished or are just ignored. So social events go on we are not invited but nor are the poorer parents.

But then the parents who are struggling don't want to really engage either.

I have one friend who I see at pick up and drop off there who is lovely.
That is it.

It is very strange and a bit unusual when no one says hello or people do one day and ignore other days.

It is quite sad to me that the children don't seem to mix.

We try our best and we do try donate more money to help low income families but do this with a low profile.

The school engages with the pta parents (and I can see why they have the time to contribute) but ignore others.

I am surprised how I just don't fit in and it has never happened before and it has actually been a good lesson as I try be as inclusive as I can.

I am surprised how not fitting in or being ignored actually hurts.

I actually wish I had never chosen the school.

I can't wait for secondary but don't want my children going to the same school as the children from the pta.

I was working and tried to be a sahm for a while but found the whole thing incredibly isolating and am surprised at how awful it makes me feel.

My kids are oblivious to it all.