DD is now saying she doesn't want to go to private school

I’m not sure if these posts are aimed at what I said. I’m not saying the child gets the final decision, I said you aim to reduce the pressure of the exam.

I was sent to private school at 11.

I didn’t want to go.
I wanted to go to the local secondary modern with my friends.

The result was I didn’t fit in to the school. I left the school at 16 with no qualifications. Everyday was torture

And yes everyday I was called a snob on my walk home.

It's all very well letting the child have a say in things concerning them but there are aspects in life when the parent(s) got to step in and make a decision one way or the other. Deciding a secondary school is one of those occasions. To all intents and purposes, what's most important for a child of 10 is to be with their friends and to go where their friends go. The future at this stage doesn't mean anything to them. It is the responsibility of the parent(s) to decide what's best for the child and take a firm decision. This is my definition of "good parenting".

Tell her to do her best and delay HER decision once she has all options on the table. Appeal to her ego to do her best (can she do it? she is i the best position as she should not be stressed, so why not), but assure her it will be her decision in the end. At the end of the day, there is a process of 1) assessing options 2) creating the options (where you are at the moment) 3) making a decision. Tell her she will only know she has made the right decision once she is faced with the actual possibility of a choice? Tell her that she still has time to reflect and make a decision, too early to flunk it and she may regret it, and she can still turn it down even if she gets an offer. Unfortunately this will be a lot of work for you, explaining to a 10 year old how it works and guiding her to the right answer once you have created the option. Very best of luck!!

Yes, our DS probably needs the discipline and small classes more than his sister too .

Ally OP doesn’t say if the school is selective.
If not it won’t be an issue, my DS is nowhere near as academic as his sister and won’t get a scholarship like she did but he will still be able to go to the same school

Just a question, what if this year your dd1 gets a place but next year dd2 does not make the grade, how will you manage having to find a suitable school for dd2 when you have indicated you do not want your children to go anywhere else. Isn't it putting rather a lot of pressure on dd2?

It doesn’t mean she’s not worried about it though...

I just mean to relieve the exam pressure. If she feels this is all or nothing the pressure on her must be immense.

We had this with DD
She was keen to go but once year classmates started doing their transition days and were talking about their new Secondary she had a few wobbles
It was easier for us because the state Secondary isn’t very good and she felt that the Private school would suit her better ( quite shy and academic) but she was worried about missing her friends.
By the time she expressed any wish to go to the same school as her friends fortunately it was too late as she couldn’t get a place anyway which made it easier. If that hadn’t been the case I’m afraid I would have overruled her anyway as I don’t think a 10 year old can make that decision.
She is in Y9 now and agrees it was the right decision. She is in touch with many people at the State Secondary and although she thinks it’s more fun there and much easier she is glad not to have to deal with daily fights and drug dealing ( this is what she says not me by the way)
DS will join her in 2020 and has already said he wants to go to the same school as his friends but it won’t be happening
The only problem you may have is if your DD needs to perform to a certain level to get a place and she decides either consciously or unconsciously to torpedo her chances, luckily that’s not an issue for us with DS as the school is non selective.

Oh charming little friend making her worry. They do have a wobble. From primary to secondary my DS class was split between five schools. The ones who went to the same school were in different sets from day one anyway.

She might just be nervous about the exam and interview. You should make it clear there are other options. All it is is an option. If she does the exam and interview it’s just a chance at this option but she doesn’t have to go.

It may be down to friendships if her friends won't be going to the same school she is. We had this with DD, it was very brief though when she heard she'd got a place there (she wasn't expecting it) she got a bit upset about it, but she's fine now and all her friends were going to different schools anyway, she still see's them.

You need her to be honest about reason (as pp said I suspect it’s friends). Then you both need to explore together whether her reason is worth the change of plan.

Why has she changed her mind (I suspect friendships).