Boys attending top independent schools and playing console games at home

My DS could be said to be at this type of school. He gets very little homework but if has any he does it before gaming. It seems to me that his friends all have similar rules as he plays with them. I don't have to lay the law down as he doesn't want to do badly or to get into trouble so he is happy to finish prep first.

Just adjust.

Ds1 can play x box all the time if he chooses. He knows the rules:

So long as: does all homework, football kit and gym kit are put in the wash, still meets mates and goes to all parties, gets top grades, no trouble at school, room neat and tidy, polite, not tired or answering back, gets off when we ask.

When anything lapses. X box goes off.

Works ok. Trouble is, he's getting top grades and playing for ages!!

Stop worrying. They all do it! But eventually grow up a little and it stops being quite so important. He will be exhausted after school. Rest assured, they are all at it😀

During term time, all homework, sport and out of school activities have to be completed before any game playing. No exceptions.

This ^^ and we have no rules around screen time. The children self regulate.

As for what they get out of gaming? There are a variety of cognitive benefits.

Problem solving, enhances memory, improves coordination, improves concentration, develops strategic thinking etc.

I don’t personally play computer games but that doesn’t mean they are worthless.

However my dilemma is that he plays a lot of and excessive amount of online games when he is home - this is only school holidays and weekends. We don't have any screens on a school day

So he might well find that he's actually quite hard done by in comparison with some of his classmates, tbh. Our three attend / have attended academically selective schools, albeit not in the 'independent', nor yet 'London' category, but I'm willing to bet that there will be the odd parent who considers their DS mature enough to be allowed a fair amount of latitude re out of school activities, with the proviso that what has to be done must take precedence. Surely if he's that bright, he will be able to understand that secondary school will mean a step up, school- and homework wise, something will have to give to accommodate it and sport is generally better for us than gaming?

Is he at boarding school at the moment (re your when he is home - this is only school holidays and weekends)? If so, I suppose it might be more difficult to loosen the idea that 'being home = as much screen time as I want'.

it's just that gaming for long periods can be so very solitary and appear to be a bit zoned out.
but they are not solitary
they are playing against their friends
chatting constantly
DS made me get him a microphone for xmas so he can use his phone to message while chatting to multiple friends on the game
loopy in my mind but he loves it

Hmm. DS attended a top independent. He also loved computer games. Sometimes too much; sometimes he needed to get his nose to the grindstone. Sometimes he didn't listen. Sometimes they need to switch off. Ultimately he needed to mature a bit and learn to self regulate which they can't do without some freedom. we disabled the internet gateway at Easter during his GCSE year.

He matured and took a first at Oxford. The boys who got into difficulties at uni were the ones who were v controlled and hadn't learned to self regulate.

You guide, you advise, you feed their favourite meals and generally encourage. You can't change their fundamental personalities and some are natural grafters and some aren't. But they are all our sons and they all need unconditional love and acceptance from their parents.

DS(16) is at a selective private school (and yes, we knew before Christmas that he would be attending the following August) and he loves gaming. It hasn’t been a problem. No gaming on weekdays and mostly late afternoon/evening/night gaming at weekends and holidays.

Most of his friends are scattered about a wide geographical area and this is one of the main ways they socialise.

During prelims and exams, DS has two hours of gaming in the morning, followed by studying for the rest of the day. It works for him (straight A student).

My DC are at a top performing boys school and I can promise you a massive proportion of those boys spend hours a day online. DC spend a bit less time as they have time consuming interests and some of their sportier friends don't game much. But most boys do. It's fine.
He'll get a shock at the homework spike when he first starts, but once that's sorted, he'll be fine.

There is a regular poster on here (cannot remember her current posting name) whose son had the tippety top scholarship to Westminster.
He also loved slouching in front of video games.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
Teach your son self discipline and then let him be.

Why is the school he's going to relevant? Surely for any child attending any school, the boundaries are homework first, games afterwards?

DS2 spends a fair amount of time online (gaming and chatting on Discord). He finds it difficult to self-regulate so we found strategies to help him to moderate the amount of time he spends online.

I would consider him to be academic and succeeding: he got mostly grade 9s in his GCSEs (and the rest grade 8s) and is aiming for A* at A-level.

However, he doesn't attend an independent school (let alone a top independent school) so I guess this thread isn't for me. 🤣

Would you have started this thread if he was spending exactly the same amount of time reading? The same amount of time painting? Collecting models? Going climbing?

Or is it just because you think gaming is "bad" and "a waste of time" that you're worried about it?

I am surprised you know where he is going in Sept. Round here 11plus results not due out for a while and exams ( including scholarship exams) for decent indie schools with year 7 entry are in January. Our rule was no PS during the week, and until homework was done at the weekend. Homework diary checked to ensure all had been done during the week, Then, they could play when they wanted until Sunday night - however watching Rugby or Dr Who usually took priority. Never have had TV or console in the bedrooms.
More laid back in the holidays but usually did camps and clubs.

My son attends similar and is currently in Year 7 (or the colloquial equivalent). All the boys play on their consoles. They are worked so hard during term time that they need to turn their brains to mush for a bit just to decompress. Don’t worry about him keeping up with his schoolwork. The teaching staff are more than happy to hand out detentions for late / shoddy work.

To the OPs wondering why they already know where he’s going loads of grammars and lots of independents do the 11plus in Sept/Oct each year not Jan.

Assuming the OP child passed a grammar school exam and scored incredibly highly? Wonder if that's why he's playing so much now?

Will he be expected to cut back on his sports and music hobbies too or just the gaming?

Why on earth is it relevant that it's a top academic independent school?

My DS attends a very academic school, and I have asked & they have told parents what level of "at home" study is expected.

In his case that's 1.5 hours per subject per week, plus homework.

I follow their guidelines, and he is allowed on his console once all his schoolwork is done.

However, you say in your OP that his use is excessive. It shouldn't be. You are his parent. If you feel he is spending too much time gaming, then it is your responsibility to parent him adequately so this is not the case.

Not wanting to be goady OP but what is the relevance of the fact that it is a top academic independent school? It reads a tad boasty!

My main comment on your post is that you say his use is excessive at the moment. You’re the parent and have the power to change this! I would change it now to something you consider appropriate. I don’t know where the x box (or whatever) is but I don’t agree with them in bedrooms (just my opinion).

As others have said it’s not tricky - take the controller away if you have to. First though decide what you think is acceptable and then stick to it - all the time.

You just take it away- the same as any other parent does. I used to just take the controller.