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Original poster

Y7 (11) DS being incredibly oblivious and naive...

68 replies

obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 11:55

DS has just started new school. He is outgoing, sporty and loves his friends. He's also very empathetic and caring - he can't ignore anyone who is upset or feeling sad. He doesn't sound unpopular one, does he? However, he has tendency to be rejected by his peers.. I don't know what it is. It could be because of his immaturity in some areas. He is a summer born, just to add more info.

I have a few concerns over his social issues, but what's bothering me most is that he doesn't seem to be aware of any negativity around him. For instance, when someone is obviously very mean to him, he doesn't realise it and says nice things about them, and even refers them as a good friend. This happened at primary school too. Some people told me DS was being bullied or teased, yet DS didn't seem to know about it and kept telling me they were kind, then many months or even a year later he realised they were actually mean!

Today he went to school happily, telling me how nice all other boys were. But I happened to talk to a school staff and now I know the reality is not what he seems to think! No one wanted to pair up with him in a class, etc. He seems to be incredibly oblivious... This naivety worries me a lot.

Now, knowing what happened at primary school is happening again at new school, I am wondering if there is any unseen problem on DS's side, and worrying if it'll end up shadowing his sunny nature... Is there anything I can do to help the situation? Should I consider talking to SEN (no suggestion from school)? Any advice and suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
Etino · 05/11/2018 14:16

You mentioned 11+ and scholarships, what sort of school did he end up in?
Because he sounds like a sizeable proportion of the boys at ds’ academic boys school. If he’s not there already maybe a change at 13+ to single sex and the biggest most academic of the available schools.
He sounds great and so do you!

TeenTimesTwo · 05/11/2018 14:14

Dyslexia, dyspraxia and Aspergers seem to overlap quite a lot, so worth looking at all three if only to rule them out.

Iizzyb · 05/11/2018 14:10

Op my friend's ds is currently being assessed for Aspergers and he sounds very like your ds. I don't have much knowledge and they are not yet at the point of having a diagnosis but is this a possibility? X

BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 14:10

I will speak to him later after school about this. He's empathic by nature and friendly and also a 'young' 11 himself so I'm sure he'll be fine. Just message me if you'd like to

TeenTimesTwo · 05/11/2018 14:09

Dd1 didn't get her dyspraxia diagnosis until she was 15 …

It is a bit weird him having good fine and sports motor skills, but being clumsy. The motor skills bit is, I understand, the core thing with dyspraxia, though I could be wrong.

Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 14:08

There’s not necessarily anything “wrong”. It’s about figuring out how to use the right strategies to support him whether he has dyspraxia, Aspergers etc or whether he’s just another unique individual!!
(I’m a clumsy one who struggles with spatial awareness and finds conversation hard work at times. It’s just how I am!!)

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 14:02

TeenTimesTwo, thanks for the post. I suspected ADHD before, but never dyspraxia. Although clumsy, he has fine motor skills - an excellent sportsman and instrumentalists (plays complicated instruments to high level). But as two people mentioned it, I'll research and look at the checklists. Is it something earlier diagnose is needed like ADHD or APS? I am feeling very bad that I may have left him struggling without knowing what's wrong with him.

BatFacedOK, yes, it is fortnite... DS vowed to get better but as he cannot play during weekdays he doesn't have much 'practice time'! You are very kind, and I would love to jump in to grab your suggestion but worrying he may end up irritating your lovely son... Don't know how bad he is at the game.

OP posts:
BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 13:57

I'd also speak to his tutor. Just to ask if she/he has spotted anything and to run your concerns by them. They should be able to at least make some suggestions and also keep an eye out

BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 13:56

Dear oh dear. Is it fortnite by any chance? My son is very kind so if you want him to play with him then do drop me a PM ( and I'm happy to prove who I am so you don't have to have any concerns.) Just an idea as this is making my heart break for him as I've been there with my DS just once or twice very briefly and that was bad enough.

TeenTimesTwo · 05/11/2018 13:49

I too wonder about dyspraxia when reading your posts. Dyspraxia covers a range of things, so it would be worth your while searching for the Dyspraxia Foundation and looking at some of their checklists to rule it out.

My DD1 has dyspraxia, and she is poor at social cues, and poor proprioception (knowing where her body is), but also rubbish sports skills, poor fine motor and poor executive functioning. Also sensitivity to taste and texture.

Have his eyes been checked recently?

You could ask his school whether they have any social skills groups.

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 13:45

Thanks BatFacedOK.

DS does all the things his peers do and he is into games as others. But he isn't good at this particular game that seems to be very popular among his friends. He used to play with friends online but stopped a while ago. Recently I realised it was because he was removed from the group account as he wasn't good enough. It's not bullying. They just told DS to re-join once he got better. Yesterday he came back from football with a big smile telling me he found a boy who would be a friend for playing the same game online. He had shower quickly and sat in front of TV/PS4. They chatted a bit but didn't play together in the end. Apparently the other boy asked DS how many times he won and DS told him only once then the boy said good-bye. Sad

OP posts:
BatFacedOK · 05/11/2018 13:13

Oh you're poor little boy. Feel for you. I have a year 7 11 year old too.

I think a small thing you can do is just keep chatting about this stuff with him - guiding him and maybe doing some sort of role play/ scenarios with him.

Does he do all the things his peers do such as gaming etc?

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 12:38

Yes, I meant clumsily rather than awkward. I don't know much about about dyspraxic. His physical coordination isn't poor (he won both sports and music scholarships). However, he knocks things off easily, and hitting his hands and legs daily. He is incredibly impulsive.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 12:29

Sometimes kids that age have whole conversations that don’t go anywhere! Wink
Awkward? Is he dyspraxic?

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 12:26

He can take turn and have conversations. But sometimes he says things for the sake of saying rather than because he has something to say. When he does it I tell him what he said wouldn't take the conversation anywhere and ask him to think why he said that. He gets it immediately so he knows what he dose and why he shouldn't. It's less now but he still does it.

I felt it was a mix of immaturity and impulsiveness which would be improved by getting older. But perhaps there is something else that prevents him from controlling what he says. Or I may be trying to find a problem unnecessarily?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 12:12

Is it chatty though or not understanding the conventions surrounding conversations? Like turn taking etc.

Original poster
obliviousboy · 05/11/2018 12:11

Wolfiefan, thank you for your post. I think both. He believes people very easily. But then I think he is also lacking to read social cues. We do lots of role plays at home, but it's not easy to master for him. I always thought it could be age thing, but now I feel it could be something else.

Just to add more about him.

At primary school, he was one of the younger ones but always one of the most able ones academically. He's also able in many areas including sports and music - won a few scholarships at 11+. However, while other academic or sporty kids were respected by their peers, DS was more like looked down, presumably due to his immature manners. He is impulsive, awkward (knocks things down all the time), chatty. I have to keep reminding him not to disturb others' conversation. Those things would be annoying for others.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 11:58

Is he naive or is he missing/misinterpreting social cues?

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