DD can't sleep in boarding

My DS,13, has sleep problems and is another melatonin user. Luckily our Nhs child development centre prescribed it and gpnisnhappy to reorder. Hadn’t realised this wasn’t the norm.

Fitbit Alta also syncs sleep to phone. Agree with crudity point though - mine sometimes says I have been asleep if I lie still reading in the night - clearly I have a v torpid heart rate, or need to read more exciting material

I’m a bad sleeper, always have been. Even now i’ve been married to DH 10 years, I use ear plugs most nights!

One thing I found really helpful is ‘I can make you sleep’ by Paul McKenna. It helps me sleep when nothing else can. There’s an app or there’s a book with CD - if you’re worried about her gaming on a phone, you could put the CD on to an MP3 player for her to listen at bedtime.

Rosablue, that's a great tip. Thank you.

Both my DC have difficulty sleeping at boarding school and also at home.

One DC uses a combination of This Works pillow spray and Bach Night Rescue Spray. The school she goes to won't allow her to use melatonin, as its use is restricted by the NHS in this country. The alternatives work for this DC.

The other DC uses melatonin and sometimes Bach spray as well. This DC has more acute sleep problems. Although the NHS restricts melatonin prescriptions, it is still ok for private practitioners to prescribe melatonin in certain cases: this boarding school accepts that.

My mother years ago taught me to go to sleep by relaxing then slowly scrunching up toes and relaxing them 3 times. Then feet and ankles 3 times. Then add in lower legs, then knees. Then slowly add in each body part until you end up reaching the tip of your fingers and the top of your head.

While doing it concentrate on what you’re doing, and coordinate with slow deep breathing. Needs to be done slowly with proper scrunch and hold for 3 or 4 seconds then really relax between each one.

But by the time you get to the end of if you’re usually feeling pretty relaxed and sleepy assuming you didn’t fall asleep while doing it.

You do need to do it regularly and practise it for it to become really effective though - don’t expect it to work first time, but the more you do it the more relaxed it will make you, leading on to sleep.

Also if you do get your dd to wear ear plugs she needs to tell the others in the dorm to wake her up in the mornings/fire alarms etc. And also tell the house staff - both in person and in writing/email, so that they have formal notification and know that as part of any fire alarm routine she needs to be woken and accounted for. Likewise in the morning if she isn’t woken up by her dorm mates in good time so is running late or still asleep then she is not to get into trouble.

zen my DS2 slept through the boarding school night practice fire alarm and 15 mins outside on the school field in the arms of his housemaster without ear plugs. Only 8 at the time the school knew he wouldn’t wake up and obviously made a note that in the event of a fire it would be a problem.
Anyway it’s unlikely to be a problem with a group of 11-13 yr old sharing a room,

Also - perception of poor sleep is a problem in itself.

Even if you had video evidence of her sleeping, if it’s poor quality sleep and she doesn’t feel like she’s hadn’t much sleep there’s still a problem there.

I'd take some of the sleeprecording data with a pinch of salt, though. I have a different sort of thing - an app that records noise in the night (and used to record movement, if you kept it under the sheet, but they've stopped that aspect now). It's all a proxy for determining sleep - it assumes that lower heart rate, bp, quietness, stillness etc are sleep. And sometimes it's fine, but very often it will say I've had a good night when I know it's been awful. it hasn't properly recognised awake and asleep times, or fitful, dozy sleep.

I don't know how the Fitbit compares to that, but I'd be wary of just assuming that there isn't a sleep problem, just because it says she is sleeping. (The other way round might be more reliable, if it says she's awake, it might be true).

Maybe school are reluctant to acknowledge it because breaking up her room will involve breaking up multiple other rooms finding room for the girls.

If the other girls are talking that could be a stress response to something scary as well, so it doesn’t sound as simple as just making sure everyone is quiet.

What has school done to make them feel safe again post the incident.

OP, the thing that stands out most to me is that this sleeping pattern has continued when she was home over half-term So it seems that the issue is less to do with noise disturbance and more (maybe) to do with the "incident". I would forget about the ear-plugs, background noise is something we adjust to fairly rapidly.

Agree with this. I'm a light sleeper and have used ear plugs and an eye mask since I went to university - have had to continue due to DH snoring. But once the noise is blocked, I sleep. If she's still not sleeping well when at home then it's something else - stress or anxiety. IMO 11-13 is way too young to be boarding away from home but you have your reasons clearly. It's a sensitive age and honestly if she's not coping you should start prepping for plan b.

I have a Fitbit flex, sleep data is automatically synced into my phone and records go back years now. The sleep data is stored for the whole night and tends to map correctly (when I know I was awake I can see the same in my Fitbit history). I’m a really poor sleeper and find it helps to know in the morning how well I slept, as it helps me plan the day appropriately.

*horde

Just a word of caution about earplugs: I am a very light sleeper and suffered from insomnia in university halls due to noise going on around me. I bought some earplugs and they were fantastic at blocking out noise, but one night the fire alarm went off and I didn’t hear it. I was eventually woken by a hord of people banging on my door and shouting my name, by which time most of the halls had evacuated. Fortunately it wasn’t a serious fire, but it shook me up enough not to wear them again.

I'm a shit sleeper. Tried all sorts but what's worked for me is an app called calm. It's got all kinds of mindfulness andmeditations but the sleep section is people reading book extracts. I've never got to the end of one yet in 3 months.

OP, the thing that stands out most to me is that this sleeping pattern has continued when she was home over half-term So it seems that the issue is less to do with noise disturbance and more (maybe) to do with the "incident". I would forget about the ear-plugs, background noise is something we adjust to fairly rapidly.

Sleep-deprivation is a self-destructive path and she is missing her opportunity to catch up. Is she happy to sleep during the day? (not advocating it, but indicates her state of mind). Would she sleep better at home if you shared the room with her (ie feels more safe)?

As well as talking to school and problem solving sleep environment you could teach her some progressive muscle relaxation or breathing exercises during the daytime at half term then she'd have a skill for when she's gadgetless during the night and wants to settle. Look on YouTube or kids section of headspace.

I do headspace kids sleep one together with my dd sometimes

Green you don't have to answer but I'm wondering if your DD is neorodiverse? I think for my ND kids, sleep problems are intermittently an issue. They find it hard to sleep if they have to share a room on holiday or on school trips. For them sleep problems wouldn't necessarily automatically mean a sign of depression or severe anxiety (above their normal anxiety).
One likes to sleep with a fan running, another wouldn't cope with any noise due to sensory issues.

Try 5 minute breathing space together (lots online). Good luck.

I've always been slightly wary of ear plugs in case a fire alarm goes off or there is some other kind of emergency. I have a Roberts Pillowtalk speaker which I keep between my pillows which I listen to the radio with. I have it on a timer to help me drift off and switch it back on in the middle of the night as soon as I wake up. DH swears it doesn't disturb him.

You need to set the fitbit to fine motion (not sure what it is called). Mine used to say that I had slept all night- clearly not the case. I changed the settings and it reflected the time I was awake.

To be fair, the melatonin doesn't mean a long term medicating solution but could possibly be a short term, get her body back on the right sleep rhythm, kind of thing. And the slow-release stuff can help with keeping someone asleep.

i'm assuming the OP has valid reasons for not having her come home right, which could be specialist school, other support at school that's needed, lack of suitable schools or places nearer home, other difficulties at home that mean she wouldn't necessarily sleep better there long term either. I'm sure the OP is trying to do what she can to understand why it's happening and sort out the underlying problem - but sometimes you do still need to 'reset' body clocks to get out of unhelpful patterns.

I couldn't have slept in a dorm either. I am an only child and sharing a sleeping space to me would have been weird! I've even struggled with it as an adult. Even with a partner :)

If she is unhappy at school to the point of not sleeping bring her home...what ever the reasons for her being there she won't thrive if she is consistently not sleeping. However if she is happy boarding you obviously need to find ways to help her sleep and help her get back to sleep when she wakes too early. Not sure about all night ear plugs idea. I am a poor sleeper and i have found a kindle with a back light really helpful. I can read myself to sleep and if I wake in the night I reach for the kindle and read until I nod off again. The backlight doesn't disturb my husband as its much dimmer than a bedside light. If she ...and the other girls were allowed this it might help. Don't stir resentment in adolescent girls by getting this as a special privilege for your own daughter lol. If they all have that choice could make for a quieter dorm experience and if your daughter wakes in the night the backlight is unlikely to disturb anyone else.