Disagreeing with your child about school choices

Would you let your son have 12 bars of chocolate for breakfast? I assume no, and the long term impact of that would be negligible. So why would you let him choose a school which could negatively impact his entire life?

How old is your child? Presumably you are talking about secondary transfer. I was in this situation precisely some years back. Am afraid to say I gave my child no choice. Your husband is absolutely right. Parents sometimes got to make a clear decision; no ifs, no but's. . . DS never looked back after having gone to the school I chose for him. Now that it's all over and behind us, I asked him recently (jokingly) if he would send his child to the same school in the future? The answer was a definite Yes!

Let your son choose.

We went to look at the two nearest schools - I liked the idea of School A, the one slightly further away, that he might not have got into anyway because on distance criterion we're right on the edge, and there seem to be more kids in ds1's year than most of the others anyway. It is also slightly awkward to get to, it's perhaps a 25 minute walk and you can only get a bus about half way, but that would matter less to him than me. 3 out of its 4 most recent inspections were OFSTED outstanding, and the head has resisted all pressure to academise.

School B has had several good OFSTEDs, and in our borough all schools are now good or outstanding. However, comparing the two open evenings School B just round the corner from our house was much better at welcoming everyone in, offering refreshments and a look at the school's chickens as an icebreaker, and being able to choose where we spent our time, where being shown round school A we didn't seem to have a say in what we got to look at.

I still wondered about A, dp favoured B, but I did give DS1 the choice, as he has to go there, and he's really sad about leaving primary and going to secondary anyway and DS1 has chosen A.

It's not clear that there are really big fundamental differences between the schools, both are co-ed comprehensives 11-16.

I did also consider looking at a third school with a sixth form but with fairly similar intake although it's much nearer to much more middle class areas of the borough, but DS1 wasn't keen as he thought he wouldn't know anyone there (it now turns out that one of his friends from school is going there and none of the boys he hung around with most are going to the same one).

I don't agree that children can't make a good choice - even at 10 I think DS1 was capable of making as justified a choice (taking into account that I don't know all the answers either) in this question. I think it's easier when the choices aren't totally fundamental, eg we're not choosing whether or not to do co-ed and there isn't a huge gap in academic outcomes between any of the schools we're close enough to for them to be a real option.

We made the decision for my DS. He was only wanting to go to his 1st choice because he had a couple of friends going. That wasn’t a deciding factor and we sent him to the school we felt best suited him. He thrived and has thanked us. He was just very anxious then and lacked confidence which is why he wanted to go somewhere with friends. My DS2 is now going to the same school and he too has no friends going there but he is happy to go albeit a little anxious too. We had a lot of discussions with the DC about schools but ultimately you will need to make the decision.

When DD1 was in y5, she came home saying 'I want to go to B, everyone is going there'. We said we would choose based on the best school for her, and anyway we didn't believe everyone would be going to B. She, and 2/3rds of her year went to A.

Something similar happened with DD2. A number of children/parents were quite vocal that they thought B was better. After the open evenings quite a few changed their mind and went for A instead.

What the pupils say and what the parents do may be 2 different things.

He may well find that some of his friends parents are also looking at the second school for their DC, unless it has some particular additional criteria making it harder to access?

My priority order:
pastoral care
= ethos & academics (for my type of child)
= distance & extra curricular
existing friends

How different are the schools? Is he a high achiever? If so, how do high achievers do at both schools? How do the two schools support his interests- sport, music or whatever? What are you basing your judgements on?

How far away from home is each school?

if he is mature enough, sit down and ask him for criteria he thinks are important in a school and why, and add your own in. Then when he goes round the schools it will help him see why the other one is better.

If he isn't mature enough to do that, then he isn't mature enough to make this decision anyway.

Find some great points about your choice and sell them hard at the open evening.

If he is strong enough friends he can see them out of school. AND make new ones at the new school.

I think your DH is probably right.

Allowing an 11 year old to dictate such a massive choice is madness. Of course you take him opinion into consideration and explain why your choices are better, but at the end, you make the decision.

Most of the open days are this coming September and October (or at least they are round here) Take a look round as a family and make sure you are not meeting up with friends so he can take a look with his own eyes. Make a checklist that he needs to tick off or ask questions about. It may not change things, however again it might.

We allowed DD to make decision on what order she wanted schools on her CAF, fortunately we would have been happy with any of them. She didn’t know anyone in her class but soon made some great friends.

If you send him to the school of your choice and he hates it, or doesn't do well, you'll get the blame. Maybe on trial basis? Review after six months?