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Original poster

Standard year 7 age stuff, or should I be concerned?

37 replies

Floottoot · 04/05/2018 14:13

DS is coming to the end of year 7 in a selective indie. He got in as a music scholar, which means he's expected to take part in the musical life of the school. While it keeps him busy on 2 days, I don't think it's excessive by any means, and he chooses to play in another orchestra outside of school.
The school isn't one of the top flight London/home counties schools or similar, but it has very good academic results. DS has to travel there by bus, so leaves the house at 7.15am and gets home anywhere between 5.15pm and 6pm, and 8.30pm on the day he goes to the county orchestra rehearsals.
Obviously, he has music practice to do at home every day ( 2 instruments, so roughly 75 minutes total) and homework/ revising every evening. While I'd say it was quite a lot ( he doesn't ever not get set some), it's generally not a huge amount for each subject ( a maths sheet, some language exercises to complete and translate or vocab to learn etc).

Recently, he's started to complain that he never feels like he has free time and that he's finding it all too much.
He knew what was involved, regarding the scholarship expectations when he applied ( he wanted to go to the school, we didn't push him), but I think the long days are taking their toll.

My question is, is this fairly typical of a year 7 boy's reaction to having to work, or do I need to mention it to his form tutor? DS is pretty bright and able and very self motivated when it's something he enjoys, so I don't think it's the standard of work that's bothering him, more the fact that he just has to do it.
My thoughts are that he needs to get on with it and stop thinking that free time every night ( his version of free time being an hour or 2 on the PS4) takes priority over school stuff BUT I'm also aware that he's heading towards teenhood and might be struggling with the whole life thing. He's not the most laidback of kids and prone to getting het up about stuff, but I don't want to give him an excuse not to do what's expected of him.

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Original poster
Floottoot · 05/05/2018 09:05

There's absolutely no chance we can move closer to the school - we can't afford to, as it's in a prime area and were out in the sticks. Both our children go to different schools which are opposite each other, so if it had been possible, a move would make life massively easier for them - DS's school bus doesn't leave school until an hour after school finishes on 2 days, to allow pupils to take part in extra curriculum activities.

I agree that being in school with his friends all day is not the same as socialising with them. I have no problems with him meeting up with them online, per se, but we need to sort out how much/ when gaming is appropriate.
DS is quite motivated by goals and activity tracking, so a timetable and apps sound like something he'd for.

I'm glad I started this thread. It's made me realise how frazzled as all are and what needs to change to improve our family life during the week. Thanks so much for some valuable insights.

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MarchingFrogs · 05/05/2018 06:56

I would not buy the argument that it is a way to "hang out" with friends, they are at school together all day, that should be enough.

How much of the time that they are spending together at school can truly be said to be 'hanging out' time? Are they allowed to chat in class? Probably not? Do they all have the whole lunch break available to them just for social interaction? No (different) clubs etc?

D.C spending all day together in school don't necessarily actually have that much time free for socialising within school hours.

SE13Mummy · 05/05/2018 00:03

I think the situation you've described is a combination of usual Y7 stuff and concerning things. I'd be concerned that he's falling asleep with his phone/device in his hand and that he's not being honest about where his phone is but I think moaning about a lack of downtime is fairly standard for an age group that doesn't necessarily manage time very well.

DD1 is a music scholar but at a state school she can walk to. She is expected to take part in various musical ensembles and events as a result. She also loves sport and stays for sports clubs two or three times a week after school before coming home and doing dance on two evenings. And about an hour of music practice each night (apart from the day she's had school orchestra). She's in Y8 now and yes, she moans about not having enough downtime aka watching drivel on YouTube time.

A while ago, she and I sat down together and wrote a loose timetable so she could see a) how much downtime she did have and b) plan that downtime into her day. It highlighted that snatching bits of time throughout the day didn't feel to her like proper downtime and that was part of the issue. She's not stuck to the timetable she drew up but is much more proactive now about coming home from school and telling us that she's going to have tea and watch a video before practising/doing homework. It also opened her eyes to the wasted time if she caught the bus to school and played on her phone. These days, she often utilises that time to go on Duolingo or a music theory app so she feels she doesn't have to count that time as downtime.

Another thing that has helped here is using an app which shuts her phone down at 8pm most nights (later if she has a late activity). It means she's less distracted because things like whatsapp can't work. She doesn't really like that we do that but she is interested in the app's tally of how much time she's spent on her phone each day! All in all, I think DD has been much more positive about how much time she does/doesn't have once she was helped to create a timetable. I suppose it felt to her that we didn't want her to have downtime (which couldn't be further from the truth - we'd be very happy for her to do fewer things!) whilst she couldn't see where it was.

W00t · 04/05/2018 23:35

I would suggest no gaming at all mon-fri. I would also have a chat with him about the other orchestra (but I know my DD would not give that up!).
Is there any opportunity at all to move closer to his school, to try and cut down on the travel? (I appreciate that that may be completely off the cards!)
He gets home very late Sad
DD leaves at 7, but is home around 4:30, which at least means time in the evening to do practice, homework, other activities.

Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 23:31

Crikey, funnily enough, I saw mention of that book earlier today on another board. I'll search it out, thanks.

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Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 23:25

I think my comment about knowing what he was getting into has perhaps been taken in slightly the wrong way. I wasn't saying that it's his problem, because he knew what to expect, I simply meant that the expectation that he would have to commit time to ensembles, choir etc was made clear by the school, so wasn't a sudden surprise when he started. I don't think any of us anticipated how long the days would feel after the ease of once-a-week homework at primary school.
Interestingly enough, he's been out with a friend tonight all evening - no phone and no gaming for 24 hours - and has come home in a much nicer mood. Whether that's from screen withdrawal of whether it's from proper downtime, I'm not sure.

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TheFrendo · 04/05/2018 22:17

Sounds like a really grinding regime. Does he have any time to be himself?

Crikeyisunderused · 04/05/2018 22:07

I've just ordered a book that's frequently recommended on MN Get out of my life but first can you take me and Alex into town. Might be worth a read to help you understand what he might be feeling and how to communicate with him.

It's a horribly long day topped off by a lot of after school stuff. DD (yr7) trains with her sports team for several hours, 3 nights a week but she doesn't leave the house til 8.15am and is home by 3.30pm so has some time to stare vacantly at YouTube and unwind. I'd let him do some gaming in the evening but his phone sleeps in your room!

Hellywelly10 · 04/05/2018 21:53

I also dont think its fair to say he knew what hes getting into, he didnt. His routine sounds tougher than mine and im an adult with a high pressure job. It doesnt sound sustainable. What does he want?

sanam2010 · 04/05/2018 21:42

I wonder if he is addicted to gaming (like most of his friends probably), that could explain grumpiness. It is a full on day, but I would restrict gaming to 1-2 hours on the weekend. The problem with gaming is that it is not relaxing at all, it wakes the brain up and it is no way to wind down. Interferes with good quality of sleep, too. I would not buy the argument that it is a way to "hang out" with friends, they are at school together all day, that should be enough. Gaming / screen time is such an easy thing to cut out completely during the week. It serves no purpose and is harmful for mental health and sleep. I can't believe people think one hour of gaming every evening is okay for an 11 year old.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 04/05/2018 21:17

To me it sounds like he has little freedom and little free time. If I was busy to that degree day and night I would be prone to rebellion/irritation. And I'm not going through puberty.

Whilst clearly none of you want to squander this opportunity, I'd suggest something needs to give. Perhaps just for a while.

FWIW Fortnite has a hideous effect on DS1 (Y8, 5'10", mansize and permanently knackered). We only allow it at weekends when he's more rested.

Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 21:04

wind I think puberty is definitely taking its toll. He has become really surly and moody almost overnight ( never been the sunniest of children, but always empathetic and loving until now) and he is all legs and arms ( and size 9 feet!!!) I've tried to chat to him about it but he can't seem to say how he's feeling, other than that he gets irritated and frustrated but can't say why.

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Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 20:58

helpmum yes, we need to crack down (again) on phones in bedrooms. He's had it confiscated today because he wouldn't admit to it being in his bed, so couldn't ask us where we'd put it.
He is indeed talented and has real potential (DH and I are both professional orchestral musicians) and he's switched on enough to know that that talent has already allowed him to go to a school be would never otherwise have been able to go to. I do wonder whether that sometimes weighs on his mind .

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WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 04/05/2018 20:58

Has puberty kicked in yet? Or are there signs?

It sounds exhausting tbh. Throw hormones and acellerated growing into the mix and I'm not surprised it all feels a bit much.

helpmum2003 · 04/05/2018 20:45

I would say that's a long day especially bearing in mind how much practice he has to do. I'm not surprised he's struggling and although he chose that school and scholarship at the age of 10/11 he wouldn't really have had any idea of the workload.

I think sitting down with him and seeing what he really wants to do is sensible and then a conversation with school to see if they have any suggestions. He is clearly talented so don't want to waste his opportunity.

You need to remove his phone by 9pm or earlier regardless of above. They need an hour of non screen time before bed and he's getting plenty of phone time on the bus.....

Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 20:31

Ave in my original post, I mentioned my concerns about him wanting to game when he gets home, but general consensus seems to be that he needs downtime. It's difficult to find the balance; DS doesn't live anywhere near his friends, so "hanging out" with them after school is all done online, and mostly through gaming.

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AveEldon · 04/05/2018 20:06

That's probably your issue - it's massively addictive and they all want to play it all the time
Different rules work for different families but we have no gaming Mon-Thurs.

Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 20:05

mastertomsmum, that sounds like Ds's school. In some ways, the short tunraround on homework is good because it means he can't let it pile up over the week, but it can be a njghtmare if he has any kind of extra curriculum activity after school. His school seems to be hot on languages, so he often gets weekly vocab tests in 2 or more (including English), and if pupils don't get, say, 24 out of 26, they have to re-take them. He's actually pretty good at memorising vocab but still stresses about it.

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Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 20:00

AveEldon he's playing Fortnite at the moment, with school friends online.

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AveEldon · 04/05/2018 18:29

What is he playing on the PS4?

mastertomsmum · 04/05/2018 18:25

My son had 2 instruments and is involved in group and solo performances. It’s a state school. There is a steady amount of homework but most subject teachers give the children a week to complete homework.

It’s manageable and made easier by how near we are to the school. When he attended an independent Pre Prep and Prep the day began at 8:15 and ended at 15:40, he didn’t get home until 16:30. Additionally, homework was often overnight or within the week to complete. Much less practical plus lots of worksheets rather than proper homework.

Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 16:23

Just to add -
This week, he hasn't had any homework, possibly due to the pupils taking national tests. He's still been absolutely horrendous when he gets home from school and says it's because he's got loads of exams coming up ( end of year exams, in June, which he hasn't started revising for and hasn't been asked to). This is what makes me wonder whether he's just going through a puberty thing - I did have a chat with him about whether he was feeling different/ struggling with life stuff, but he said he just gets snappy and all his friends are the same sometimes. Our DD, year 9, has ADHD, which I know DS finds it/her difficult and frustrating a lot of the time, and he says that can make him snap too.

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Original poster
Floottoot · 04/05/2018 16:11

Thanks for all your responses. It's really good to hear different perspectives.
To answer a few questions -
I've asked him about whether he thinks dropping the extra orchestra would be a good idea. However, he's adamant that he enjoys it and doesn't want to stop. On that particular day, he is out of the house from 7.15am until 8.30pm, so a really long day. That said, on his late return days (Tuesday and Wednesday), he has a free hour after school, at school, when he can do homework, do some music practise or hang out with other friends who stay after school. He generally hangs out with his friends, or sometimes goes to rugby drill.
His weekends are pretty free, other than homework and a music lesson ( sometimes his instrumental lesson is after school in the week, sometimes weekends), unless he gets called up for a school sports fixture (less than half a dozen times this year).

Regarding instrumental practice, he's at a standard where 15 minutes on his main instrument just isn't enough, unfortunately. Obviously, when he's very pushed for time, he just does what he can manage, but generally he needs to do 40+ minutes. To keep his place at the school, he has to continue with music, but of course of he ever wanted to stop, we'd find him a different school.

The bus journey is about 40 minutes each way. It's a minibus, so no real chance of doing homework on it. He does sometimes revise, but mostly watches stuff on his phone, which you could say is down time. He plays on the PS4 daily but his choice would be to be free to play on it all evening and all day at weekends; this week, he set his alarm for before 6am to allow him to play before school - that is a concern to us - and last night I found his phone in his hand, still playing some kind of Youtube vlog, while he was asleep at midnight.

Overall, he likes the school, has made some great friends and is doing well. It's clear, though, that we need to sit him down and chat about what he thinks might help to make his home life easier.

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RedSkyAtNight · 04/05/2018 15:16

That might hbe "expected" for a music scholar at the school he goes but it's really not standard for a Year 7 - I'm not surprised he is fed up! (I wouldn't want his life, and I'm an adult!) Between the travel time and the music practice, he has very little downtime to himself in the evening. I don't think wanting an hour on the PS4 every day is too much to ask! Remember that homework will ramp up as he gets older - at this rate there is going to be days where he literally doesn't stop at all.

If he's struggling now, maybe you need to review whether this is the right school for him?

For comparison (I have a DD in Y7)

  • she leaves the house at 7.45am (she could leave a bit later but chooses to get to school early to hang out with friends)
  • she generally goes to an after school club or socialises with friends after school
  • gets home at 4.30pm (earlier if no club or socialising)
  • might go out with home friends or relax till dinner
  • has dinner and helps with household jobs
  • does about an hour (combined total) of homework and music practice
  • generally then reads or watches tv for 30 minutes or so until bed time.
spends ages faffing with her hair

Granted she's not a music scholar, but she is achieving highly academically and takes part in extra curricular music.

Soursprout · 04/05/2018 15:04

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