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Original poster

Advice please on how to handle 11+ cattiness amongst Y5s

54 replies

NofGreenGables · 04/05/2018 00:13

I have a Y5 daughter who is at the top of her class, along with one or two others. She will be sitting 11+ exams head to head with one classmate for a very competitive school. The problem is that this child (with whose mother I am friendly) has been apparently got started on the mind games of the following ilk:
"I've been doing past papers every night for the last year" (when the school does not release past papers of any sort)
OR, more recently, broadcasting my daughters' school shortlist to other class-members (in my daughter's opnion to set her up for any prospective falls / "failures" to get in).

I've explained that she should not get drawn in, and that this behaviour must come from a place of insecurity but I am a little irked by the manipulative and unsportsmanlike nature of this behaviour. Do you think I should speak to the mother about asking her child to be more sensitive and aware of others' privacy or do you think it will make things worse? I am just protective of my daughter who is already anxious and though bright, suffering from performance anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
NofGreenGables · 04/05/2018 07:21

Clearly none of us are calm about this, but don't think it's me as:

  1. I recommended the school to them, when they'd never heard of it
  2. am very open and honest about what our plans were with the mum, hence me passing her the tutor we use's number
  3. I keep openly telling my daughter it's not zero sum, there's every possibility that one of several outcomes happens: I. They both don't pass, II. III. Only the girl does IV. Only she does V. They both do. I tell her she can only control her own reactions and performance, not others and any goading.

I've asked her to be as open and team spirited about it as she can, with her while cohort hence, I think, her feeling of the rug being pulled from under her and he sense of disloyalty. She's generally the kid who is asked to look after upset kids and newbies, because she is very heart-on-sleeve.

Also there is what I know about the girl and the context and her general reputation for being ultra competitive and manipulative. My child only joined the school a short while ago and this one may not be hugely impressed with having someone challenge her Alpha status in the academic stakes.

OP posts:
TheFrendo · 04/05/2018 06:54

Perhaps the other girl has been working hard for a year?

Would you be saying she was playing mind games if she said 'I have done very little work"?

In your post you say that your D is going head to head with this girl.

She clearly is not, that implies one wins and one loses. They can both win or they can both fail.

Surely success is about getting a place at the competitive school, not beating the other girl?

Maybe the performance anxiety comes from you.

Original poster
NofGreenGables · 04/05/2018 06:44

Good idea. The teacher is pretty non-confrontational but will give that a go. Thanks!

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 04/05/2018 01:33

Speak to the teacher not the mother. Best keep these things in school. Teacher should be able to nip it in the bud.