Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Total deadlock with DH over school choices!

35 replies

NW11985 · 27/03/2018 21:21

DH went to state school, state 6th form, worked his butt off, got 7 A's at A Level and went to Oxbridge getting Bsc and MA.

I went to fee-paying school (co-ed), got 2 C's and went to a mediocre regional university (though loved it).

I subsequently taught in state comprehensive schools for 20 years.

DH and I simply cannot agree on DS schooling. DH feels he himself missed out on many opportunities his contemporaries at Oxbridge had, such as all the benefits of private school ed. He wonders what he could have achieved if he's had this start in life (as if 7 A's wasn't enough)! He is therefore passionate about sending DH to private school.

I on the other hand am passionately pro state ed, and co-educational / mixed. I think our DS will get a real richness of experience from his upbringing with us as conscious parents who encourage him to do lots of activities, travel etc, and that the social benefits of attending comp with a more inclusive range of young people will make him a more rounded person (like my husband is!)

I believe my DH is brilliant because of his state ed and not in spite of it. He believes he missed out and does not want that for our son.

We are in good humour but absolutely at deadlock! We are joking about using DC2 as an experiment and sending one (mine) to state and one private (his) and then placing bets. Jokes obviously!

Please help! How on earth do we ever find a compromise or solution to this which has been going on for years!

OP posts:
Snowcatrunsthehouse · 28/03/2018 15:01

Oh now this is interesting!
My DH is top public school and oxbridge. ( he also demonstrated some of the negative snobby arrogance that came with it when I first met him).
I am state educated ( top performing but stil a non selective state), good uni but not oxbridge.

We can’t actually afford the kind of education DH had. ( DH has now lost the arrogance he once had and joined the real world).

We have a state educated friend who went on to oxbridge with my DH who has the same thoughts as your DH. what I find so sad is he is not seeing what actually made him the good person he is or the fact that his very rounded education actually is what made him. ( he was at a super rough London comp). The basic truth is the really bright will get where they need to be.

Our DC will be state and co ed. DH is very keen they stay co ed as he was single sex from day one and finds our children’s mixed friendships absolutely amazing. He admits the failings of single sexed schools.

Nice to have the money to choose but I do think a good state school will offer a rounded education and as we can prove will not stop an oxbridge candidate or entry to any top uni or profession.
What aspect of the private sector is he so keen on? All the extra sports and music etc can be added onto a state education?

Oratory1 · 28/03/2018 14:42

Agree with others, I bet in your area there will be ‘good’ and ‘bad’ state options and ‘good’ and less ‘good’ private. More importantly there will be an option that is best fit for your dc. Ideal position would be to view all with an open mind - but sounds like with you guys as parents they should have a good chance to go well anywhere !

DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 14:18

Your DH is right. Private education affords opportunities that neither state education nor parents can. Why not give your child the best just because you entirely failed to be egotistical from it? Essentially you are wanting to deprive your son fir no reason other than you think it's not as good as some people say it is. Did you even go to a public school or just a second rate fee paying school?

Notcontent · 28/03/2018 14:15

There are two key points here:

  • first, what schools do you have near where you live? A lot of people rave on about how fabulous state education is, and how bad private is, but sadly not everyone has access to a good state school.
  • the second issue is what sort of school would suit your dc.
Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2018 21:37

My DH was quite anti Private School. I attended one and he didn’t
However, when it came time to look st Secondaries for DD once we had visited all options ( 2 Comps, 1 Grammar and 2 Private) he was quite adamant that the Private option would suit DD best.
The only disagreement we had was which Private School !
Look at all the options and see which School available is best for him

Butterymuffin · 27/03/2018 21:31

Your DS gets casting vote in that case.

Lancelottie · 27/03/2018 21:31

Sorry, but I can't get past the 7As at A-level.

Maybe is he hadn't had his head in a book the whole of his teenage years he wouldn't feel he'd missed out?

Lupiform · 27/03/2018 21:30

Maybe ask your DS what he would like to do?

BrownTurkey · 27/03/2018 21:29

Treat all the options as equal and on the table, go and see them all and decide which offers your dc the best opportunities. Either of you may have your preconceptions challenged. Remember, no one is right and your dc will be very fortunate either way. Ask dh to look at schools through your eyes, and you try to do it through his.

alldonenow2 · 27/03/2018 21:29

Don’t think about whether the school is state or private - just focus on which school fits your dc best. It’s not about one being better than the other - they both have merits - it’s about what’s best out of the options available to you and the fit.