If you have one child at an independent and another at a state school

Surely it is about the OP funding the right school for each child.

Where I live there is 1 private secondary school in the entire city. It is a selective school & academicsly quite pushy with strict rules & no leeway.

Ds benefits from being in a more relaxed environment with a room to go to when he’s feeling overwhelmed & less pressure about homework. He could not cope with the longer school day & pace of lessons.

Dd thrives under academic pressure & a strict routine. She is a very fast processor. However she detests religion (there is a state religious grammar school) & also hates sport.

Interestingly the daughter of The Head of DD’s School does NOT attend the school, although his son does.
This is because she has SN and there isn’t the provision at the Private school to help her whereas there is at the local State Primary
I was actually quite surprised but neither of my dc have SN so the Private school is the best fit for them
As plenty of people have said it does to a large extent depend on the child but unless there is a VERY good reason it’s unfair and canbreed resentment

Is there another private school which may suit the younger child better? I wouldn’t send on to private and the other to state, but I might send them both to different private schools. I think you have to do the same for both.

I think it is perfectly sensible to send your children to the schools that suit them individually. It would make no sense to send them to the same school just to appear fair and just. In our area the support in independent schools for Special educational needs is generally dire because they are so selective but it can be excellent in state schools (it is in our state primary). Our son has SENs and would neither get in nor thrive in the independent sector. That doesn’t mean that I would rule it out for DD if I felt it would benefit her. I am sure there are areas where this is reversed and the support is better in the independent sector. As long as you make sure your children feel involved in the decision, you make the decision in good faith and are open about your reasons then you are doing the best you can. I don’t think you need to compensate your son as he will be receiving the best education for him and it might insinuate that you felt his school was inferior.

We sent eldest dd to small independent school in yr 8 after the SENCO at her first ( comprehensive) school told us she’d likely only get Cs at GCSEs because of her dyslexia and dyscalculia - she actually got 10 GCSEs A-C and 4 A levels and has since graduated with an MA and MSc
We offered her younger sister and brother the same opportunity but they opted to go to the comp ( as it offered a wider variety of subjects and they had all their friends there)where they also got 8-10 GCSES A-C and have also gone to Uni ( middle dd went to college for BTEC instead of A levels as modular component suited her style of learning)
If eldest had stayed at first school she would have sunk , the independent private school had much smaller classes in a friendlier environment for her particular needs and allowed her time to develop coping strategies

If your child has sen as ds has, state is often better.

I couldn't send one to state and one to private. It would bite me on the arse years later.

Well they do, there’s no question that the private school is better, it’s one of the top in the country, but the comprehensive is far better than most of the less selective private schools therefore most people can’t see the point of paying for that. The comprehensive is very very good, almost all children go on to RG unis and many to oxbridge law and medicine. Personally I decided to save my £20k a year and not go down that route but equally I would never pay for a lesser private school for the sake of it - and I say that as someone who went down the prep school route so I do have experience of both sectors.

He’s an arsehole killy mad likes to forget he was offered the opportunity and claim it ruined his life

If the outcomes are so similar I'm amazed people pay for the highly academic private schools Yvest

it’s so common here that it doesn’t even raise eyebrows. There are loads of children at our excellent comprehensive with siblings at highly academic private schools. The general feeling being that the comprehensive is better than the less academic private schools and therefore what’s the point in paying and getting a lesser education. I have never ever heard of it being an issue. The children from both kinds of schools mix together socially, do our pf school activities together, it’s a very m/c comp and usually end up at university together so outcomes are very similar.

I went to a state secondary and both my siblings went to private secondary schools. Even though I hated my school, I have never resented my parents' choice, because I know that they would never have sent me there to save money. I knew they loved and treasured me.

My sister is actually the resentful one, because that is her character (and she also hated her private school).

What does your brother hold against you if your parents offered to pay for him to go Hopping?

I would think your youngest needs Private school more
Your dc sound a bit like mine, dd is at a Private Secondary and DS is at Private Primary but will go to school with his sister at 11.
I went to a Private school on a full scholarship and my parents had previously offered to pay for my brother to go when he took the scholarship but wasn’t offered it 2 years before me. He always held it against me and still mentions it over 30 years later

My eldest is very bright and got into super-selective state schools (but a long way from home) and got a partial scholarship for an academic private school. We sent him to the private school on the basis that it was the best school for him, and he is indeed loving it.

DS2 is in year 6 and is less academic. We are sending him to a less academic private school which is quite a trek from home. He also has a place at the outstanding local secondary which I think in some ways would be a better school for him, he is super-sociable and would love to be able to hang out with local friends after school. But I have decided it's really not on to send older brighter child private then less bright sibling to state school. Feel that he could really resent us for it later on so I am reluctantly turning down the place at the local school.

I have, for various reasons I am not going to go into. The youngest started state school this year. She was desperate to go to the state school. A term and a half in she wants to go to the private school her sister is at, despite doing really well and having made lots of friends. We are going to see the bursar next week.

FWIW, I went to a super selective state and my younger sister went private. There's no resentment and we have achieved very similarly, both academically and professionally. Our parents just made sure we were offered the same opportunities in terms of extra curriculars, school trips, holidays, etc. It's not always a foregone conclusion that there will be problems if you send your children to different schools.

I would also add that one of my DC was bored at school when he was around 7 and TBH played up a bit. He was not much interested in extra activities either.
It turned out that he has very high IQ and dyslexia, which was hidden for years because he found ways to work around it. He went to an independent school and although they did not pick up the dyslexia until later, they did inspire him to learn and he took up drama and music with enthusiasm, Interestingly, they have reviewed their dyslexia screening in the light of his experience.

DD is at an independent school. It specialises in a particular area she is talented in. She has long days & journeys but she is thriving.

Ds is in a Comp. He did go to an independent school for two years & it was disastrous. He couldn’t handle the academic pressure & the school were unable to accommodate his needs (HFA). We thought about sending him to dd’s School as he is also talented but ultimately we knew that he couldn’t hack the journey & the hours & the fact he’d havevto give up an extra curricular activity.

He is so much happier in the Comp & the teachers there seem to understand his needs better.

You cannot “compensate” the comp child by throwing money at them. You have made the decision about where to send DC 1. They probably didn’t ask you to pay £thousands on their education and then have fewer treats and money from you because you are compensation DC2. This will be utterly divisive. It will lead to resentment.

I don’t think you should label your children either. You are obviously ensuring the youngest has fun but what extra could you do to find hobbies, talents and interests? Should you discover more about DC, then you could find a school that meets interests and needs. It sounds like a lot of effort has gone into Dc1 but DC2 will always be second best.

I have one bright DD and one not as bright as the elder one. You really have to treat them the same. We found what made DD2 tick and found a school that supported that. I know plenty of children who are “average” academically but have a Private education and find their niche in life. The schools open up possibilities to them.

I have this but in reverse. Elder child got into the top performing super selective and the other child didn't so that was the one that went private.

I made sure that the state school educated one went on any school trip that they wanted to go on and offered them the private school option throughout their schooling (which they took at 6th form).

I agree with others that if you're thinking of paying for the more academic one but not the less academic one, you're storing up trouble. I get what you're saying about the younger one not enjoying school or being academic but a child develops so differently from primary school to secondary school and a private school with options might inspire her more. Arguably they might get more out of it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd send both private (the less-academic to a different school if you don't think the other one is suitable).