Daughter passed entrance exam but doesn’t want to go to independent school

"I have seen a decline in his attitude to work and his general behaviour since he started over a year ago. "

I bet there is many a parent of an adolescent boy who says that as they move through secondary

I always think that co-operation is 50% of success at school, so i really hope your dd comes round to the idea and enjoys the school.

Back in the 80s my dd was offered a place at Bolton Girls. She refused to go and as her dad was terminally ill and her brother was at the local comp (where I also taught) I gave in.
She did ok, went to University etc but I still feel I let her down by not insisting.

I think you should tell her to wait till the trial/ settling in day in summer, and promise you'll discuss it in more detail after she's experienced it.

Obviously unless she's distraught I wouldn't give in and go with her choice. But 11yr olds can be pigheaded and hormonal, and you don't want her going either for the day or in September determined to hate it. And maybe a day there with her new fellow classmates, chance to see the advantages, making some friends etc might do the trick.

@ttsmum I mean this in the nicest possible way.....stop talking to her about it. You will be making things far worse by constantly bringing the subject up. You need to let her calm down and have a good few weeks to clear her head. She isn't going to listen to you at the moment, as you have said repeatedly you keep talking at her about it and shes just digging her heels in. Honestly, drink your red wine and forget about it for now. Enrol her and don't mention it to her again until it comes to her induction days or uniform fitting whichever comes first.

Chat about holidays and birthdays anything but school.

Slightly different I was accepted into art college at 16 whereas I was happy to stay in my small town do a hairdressers apprenticeship and stay with my bf my mum was having none of it. She pushed me outwards and forward and for that I will be eternally grateful she changed the way I saw the world and that is what you will be doing. My son is at an indie and the difference between him and friends he was at nursery with are poles apart. Trust your instinct your husband is not right she is too young to make such a decision although I agree with poster up thread your daughters life experiences will be different from her brothers which may cause for discontent later on. Good luck

IheartNiles 21% of Eton pupils are on some sort of bursary. (Around 70 receive 100%.)

You have done the right thing OP. (There’s no guarantee on outcome obviously - but you’ve made the right decision on the available evidence.)

My children didn’t even come on open days. We viewed and chose the schools then told them where they were going. Childhood is very short

Sometimes one has got to take over as a parent and make decisions. In all honesty, what can a 11-year-old decide, especially in a potential life-changing situation? What are parents for? If I was to allow my child to make his own decisions when he was a young lad, he would one, go to the same comprehensive as most of his friends, and two, be a train driver.

Today he can hardly remember any of his friends from primary school days. He was very reluctant to leave them behind in order to go to boarding school at age 10. I told him if at any time he felt he wanted to come home, just give me a ring and I'd be there to get him home in less than three hours and the decision would be final. He never did ring. And he couldn't remember when was the last time he was at a proper train (not tube) station either, never mind driving one.

My ds is 13. Even now I know if he can't give me a reasonable reason for making a decision it's because he actually can't make the decision iyswim!

I call it deflection. If he's stupid about both choices he knows eventually I'll have a strop make the decision for him.

Once children have started at secondary schools they tend not to look back and pine for their former primary school friends. I've found this to be the case with both of mine. DS wasn't fussed at all (and he moved to a school with none of his friends, as did many others in his class). DD I did expect to have issues with about ending up at school with none of her closest friendship group. I think they just need a decision made and to get used to it. I think in some ways DD was relieved to move on and start afresh.

Your DD will be fine once you've made the decision on her behalf! There are times when they do need to be told what's best for them - and schooling is one of them!

Good luck!

Sorry - bit I think that at 10/11 it is a parental decision. Of course she wants to go with her friends.
I was the only one in my year at primary school to pass the 11 plus but wanted to go to the sink secondary modern with the others. My parents made the decision and I soon settled in!
My boys wanted to stay at their prep school until 13 when most of their peers moved on - even the one who was bullied. The senior school admitted most of their senior pupils in year 7 so they moved. They said afterwards that they were pleased they moved "early" as they felt that those who came later did not settle in so well.

OP, your DD sounds as if she's playing you. You'll be damned if you do, damned if you don't. I would suggest you weigh up the pros and cons of the private school option (vs the state school) and decide without including her. As PPs have said, you can always review two terms down the line...

Can you find some nearby girls (better still people she knows already) who are going to the school and encourage her to spend time with them over the next few months?

If she really didn't want to go she'd find a good reason.
She's just scared, anxious, worried and it's coming out as silliness.
Of course the state school is an easier choice for her - friends, brother, familiarity. It doesn't mean it's the right school.

She can't give you one good reason. Therefore you make the decision.

Your dd is too young to fully understand the consequences of her decision, as given she has this wonderful opportunity by passing I would positively embark on the independent school with yearly reviews and reward her for giving it a try with enthusiasm. Perhaps a special day trip at Christmas if she shows genuine willing to give it her best shot.
You could find out if you know anyone else going and hook up in the coming months to ease the transition.
If you have tried it you will have no regrets whatever way it goes.

I would not tell her that you will move her if she doesn't like it .You can cross that bridge if it happens, i also know people that this has backfired on . I would just tell her you have made the decision and leave it at that.

I will let my child decide if she/he is matured and give me sensible reasons. I think your daughter just got cold feet.

Mine chose their own schools at secondary, but they were informed and had gone to open days.
If I hadn't have agreed they would have been overruled.

I don't think going where their friends are going is a good enough reason on it's own.
Some schools round here mix them up and chances are you are not with the same kids as you went to primary with, even less chance of it being a good friend.

Ps ignore all the class nonsense. Unless you go to somewhere like Eton, most independents have a lot of kids from normal 2 income families. We have normal jobs and manage the fees. In my experience the kids don’t factor in background when choosing their friendships. Our school has 20% children on some sort of bursary.

Also be prepared to ride out the first few weeks. DD went to the school of her choice yet still had a rough few weeks settling in. Now doing great but it was a long first term. As long as you know it might take until after Xmas then you’ll be prepared.

She is 10/11. She is a child. You need to make the decision for her.

DS2 starts secondary school in september. Yesterday he was pretending to be a were'cat' and howl miaowing at the moon. His friend was saying "bibblybobbly" at the end of every sentence which was really annoying . They're still children.

It may be that this won’t be the right school for your DD in the long run, but it will be far better to accept the place, send her, and then withdraw her later, rather than pass up this chance now, and have her regret it.

You’ve done the right thing. They all have a wobble about moving to secondary. My DD was anxious about moving to an independent and leaving her large friendship group. There was even nonsense talk about turning up at her old primary on the first day. She is mature and sensible so to say something silly like that shows she was anxious and worried. She settled in very quickly and has kept in touch with most of her old friends, plus has a lovely new group of friends. She now says she doesn’t miss her old primary. The advantages of the independent over the comp (non grammar area) are sadly really high. Stability in teaching staff, pupil behaviour, facilities, class sizes. It was the right choice and we were lucky to have a choice.