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Original poster

DS didn't pass 11+ - how to feel less sad about upcoming school allocation

59 replies

PersonAtHome · 26/02/2018 20:46

DS1 passed the 11+ and is happy and thriving at the local grammar school.

DS2 narrowly missed the pass score and so he won't be going.

I feel utterly miserable about the upcoming school allocations on the 1st March because none of the options on our form are anywhere near the standard of the local grammar. I feel like one child will have a good future and the other won't and I just feel so utterly disappointed at how it's worked out and worried about the standard of education that DS2 will receive.

Anyone else going through or been through similar?

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 26/02/2018 22:49

Hi op I have a slightly different experience but wanted to shade what happened with my ds.

We live in a non grammar area. In fact I think we are in one of the top deprived boroughs in the country and our secondary schools do not tend to have the best reputations.

There is a fantastic school in the neighbouring borough that is selected via lottery after LAC and siblings.

Ds has had his heart set on this school for as long as I can remember ( as did I ) and the allocations came on his 11th birthday and he didn't get a place.

After 2 failed appeals ( ds has AS and we had good reasons for wanting this school ) we were in a crappy situation so decided to send ds to the secondary school that we thought would best meet his needs pastorally. It did not have a good reputation.

Fast forward to now- ds is 15 this week and in year 10. Is happy, thriving and has made lovely friends. He's doing some GCSE's this year and the school has turned itself around and is now the top secondary in our borough.

If someone had said to me 3/4 years ago that I would even consider sending my ds there I would have laughed.
It has turned out to be the best thing for him and I truly believe that if he was meant to go to the other school then it would have happened.

Best of luck Flowers

AnneElliott · 26/02/2018 22:46

Grammar isn't everything op. I've got a friend whose DS hates it - and is refusing to go back. Too pressured and with some weird ethos about winning at all costs.

Your DS may love being towards the top of the class. My DS passed but he chose an academy school and he loves it. He's the top in everything which he wouldn't have been at grammar school.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/02/2018 22:30

My friend's DD went to the comp after her son went to the grammar. She got pretty much the same excellent GCSEs as her brother and has gone to the grammar for Alevels and is flying.

Original poster
PersonAtHome · 26/02/2018 22:26

Thanks tygr, sorry to hear you were unhappy at school. I have a friend who was unhappy at the local grammar. For all I know, maybe he would have hated it at the grammar.

OP posts:
tygr · 26/02/2018 22:13

Well ignore those snobs for a start as that won't help you feel any better. FWIW, I went to a private secondary school and was really unhappy there so you never can tell. This could be the making of him.

Original poster
PersonAtHome · 26/02/2018 22:09

Thanks for the replies, it's all very helpful.

I thought I'd made my peace with the results when we got them in October but I think I'm just having a last minute panic now the school allocation results are due on the 1st March.

DS2 and 1 are very different characters. DS1 is very motivated academically. DS2 is just as bright but not as motivated, so I'd been keen on the grammar for him as he would have been surrounded by bright kids and a hard working ethos and I feel he would have been pushed to do his best. I worry that at a comp he'll be the type to enjoy kicking back and mucking around and won't fulfil his potential academically.

But I do think he'll enjoy the creative subjects at the comps (the grammar isn't great at those). And I do think he'll enjoy the less pressurised setting.

We sent him to a private school for the last two years of primary as his state primary was falling apart (special measures and 16 teachers resigned), but the annoying thing is that now his school peers are being very snobby about the local comps and saying that the one he'll probably get into is awful.

He has lots of interests outside school and knows local boys through those, so he'll know a lot of people at the comp, but this phase is hard with all his current school friends going either to the grammar or to private secondaries.

Since the results in October I've been hiding in my car at school pick up as every time one of the private school mums asks me what school my son is going to I cringe. This is because when I say 'we're going back into the state sector' they all look pitying and nobody ever says anything positive.

OP posts:
sassymuffin · 26/02/2018 21:53

How does your DS2 feel about his choices? I am sure he will settle well at his allocated school, a comp education does not prevent him from having a bright dynamic future! Results and league tables only tell a very small part of the story of a school.

Equally a grammar education is no guarantee of a bright future. All schools have challenges and non are perfect, DD and DS's grammar schools have both had their fair share of truancy/bullying/mental health issues/drug use/teenage pregnancy etc.

In fact the pressures of a selective schools do not always suit even the brightest of students. Siblings will often compare themselves to each other but if you positively reinforce their own individuality this usually isn't a huge issue.

As a last resort and if he really does't settle in his school there may be an option to take the 12 +/13 + if your area offers it. There is also the option of grammar sixth form later down the line.

JuliaSevern · 26/02/2018 21:30

We're in a comp area so didn't do 11+, but i grew up in an 11+ area and went to grammar myself. I found it a bit terrifying to send dd to a comp Blush but dd (year 9) has been so happy. Much happier than at primary and she has come out of her shell. She has a lovely group of friends and is doing well academically, enjoying clubs. She hasn't had kids be horrible to her like at primary. Hope it goes well for your ds. Does he have any friends going up with him?

TeenTimesTwo · 26/02/2018 21:30

none of the options on our form are anywhere near the standard of the local grammar

How are you measuring this? If on % passes then the other school could be very good and still have way worse results.

DS2 will be hopefully in top sets rather than possibly bottom sets of the grammar. That may be way better for his self esteem.

He can be his own person, not DS1's brother.

There may be a wider range of creative or practical options so DS2 may find something he enjoys to add to his academics.

He may need to learn to be more focussed and self driven than his brother which may stand him in good stead later in life.

(haven't been through this, luckily live in an all comp area).