DS didn't pass 11+ - how to feel less sad about upcoming school allocation

So where are his fellow pupils going if they have not passed the 11 plus? Independent secondary? Would that be an option?

Some grammars do have siblings as part of their oversubscription criteria, but only if they pass.

But if DC1 gets in on appeal, DC2 if he passes can qualify for the oversubscription sibling rule.

starry grammars don't have sibling rules.

Is there any possibility of private secondary, either now or (maybe more realistically) as a fall back in a couple of years if his school isn't working out?

Could you supplement your child’s education with extra tutoring and additional sport from home? Prepare him for the next stage of education?

No secondary modern I know, and I live in a fully selective country, has no high achievers at all.

People make the fundamental mistake of thinking county wide (so not super selective) take all the higher achieving children. They absolutely do not! The secondary moderns or comprehensives have plenty of them.

However, op, you need to look at what progress the children are making in the school you get allocated. Raw results and past inspections will not tell you all you need to know. There’s a lot more involved than that!

Would he not get into the grammar school on the sibling rule?

Do you live in a fully selective area or is it an area with a few super selectives who admit regardless if area, on scores in rank order?

It makes a big difference to what the other schools are like in terms of ability range. In a fully selective area, the Sec Mods (and they are Sec Mods not Comorehensives because they don't have the full ability range) might be the lower 70% of ability based on what the test showed. In an area with few Grammars and where people travel miles to get a place, any non Grammar might still have 90%+ of the ability range - still not technically true Comps, but close to it.

I assume your area didn't have the Headteacher appeal system or you would have used it. Have you spoken to his school about if they have evidence to support an appeal - SATs predictions and the levels he achieved last year, other tests or classwork?

I guess you have to decide if you want to go through all this - you can, without even telling him, but it keeps the issue and the pain open for you, while it might be best to accept the situation and move forward to seeing the positives.

This will hurt a lot over the next week when allocations come out and people talk about it. If no-one else is going to a similar school from his school, you will feel different through the rest if the year - you just have to get into a positive mindset.

I wonder how much of your pain is about the other parents at the school? Saying you're going back to State seems to make you feel awkward and I guess that going to the non selective option makes it feel worse. You should recognise that you're probably hyper sensitive to others' reactions and even if most don't know much about the state options, they probably aren't despising you - absolutely don't apologise or suggest it is second choice or that you think it less good than their options. Always present it with a smile and the positives. Often people don't know what to say or how to react if you yourself seem disappointed with what you have got. And one other good thing, in an Independent, national offers day means far less - many won't have applied for State or even know the offers come out this week, so the big chat won't be about it....that phase may have already passed an independent school offers are already made.

When you get your offer, if there's a chance to go for another look, then do. Go determined to see the positives and to be positive for your DS. Even if you decide to appeal or go on waiting lists of others, it's good to work on the positives if the current situation for both yourself and son.

And do you know, as an aside, for all the threads about moving to Grammar areas, if this is a school in a fully selective area, I think this thread is a useful reminder for people considering those areas - what has happened to Op happens to very many people in those areas.

The most important thing here is not to let him pick up on your disappointment and concerns. He must not feel a failure. And his brother must also be on the same page.

This is the problem with the 11+.

I passed it many moons ago when everyone took it and some of my friends "failed" - it was so divisive.

OK here's something I tell all my friends who freak out about schools, universities, etc. I am from a very small town in the state of Haryana in India. I did my bachelors' degree in one of the most notorious colleges of the state and by the way, Haryana is called the Texas of India for a very good reason or two.
At this point in time in my life, I am an independent consultant making more than enough money with a fantastic family and brilliant friends. So in essence, getting into a renowned school or college is not the be all and end all. What matters is what you put in once you are in A school/college. What matters is what you make of your life while you are still shaping it and while your parents and teachers tell you how to shape it.

Our DCs have gone through some pain, I admit, in getting through the 11+. However, not getting through to any of the schools or to your desired school should not stop them as achievers.

They are 11 and the only thing they should be worried about is a) What outdoor games to play b) what to eat c) how to pretend to study when mom/dad breathes down their necks.

Hope I helped.

Might be worth just checking re appeals

Speak to the school’s admissions department and your LEA

Check eleven plus forum - appeals section

My DD missed one paper by one mark and got in to local grammar on appeal

Don’t believe all the tales of borderline kids struggling at grammar - from my experience that’s bullshit

She’s totally thriving

This

DS2 is just as bright but not as motivated, so I'd been keen on the grammar for him as he would have been surrounded by bright kids and a hard working ethos and I feel he would have been pushed to do his best.

Definitely not always true. I've got a little brother who narrowly scraped getting into a grammar. It was the same grammar I went to, thrived in and did very well - excellent GCSE and A Level results, uni etc. However, I was a very motivated child and did well in the competitive environment. My brother is extremely bright but struggled immensely with the grammar environment, getting into trouble, being earmarked as one of the "failing students" very early on, because he struggled with motivation, concentration and organisation but was given no support to develop these skills.

Alas he just about got his 5 A-C GCSEs and is now attending a comprehensive further education college where he is doing amazingly, he's ambitious and motivated and has made so many friends from many different backgrounds. His self-esteem was crushed by the time he left the grammar, after years of being told he wasn't intelligent and now he is so comfortable and confident in his identity. He is one of the highest performers in his cohort and looking at Russell Group universities.

What I'm trying to say is that children like your boy, who are very bright can often cope much much better in a comprehensive environment. These children often need a bit more pastoral support which many comprehensive schools are excellent at providing (and FWIW, when I was experiencing family trauma in my 2nd year of A Levels my grammar school's support was terrible).

Definitely don't write him off already

I've got a couple of failed 11+ success stories if they'd help?

DD1 utterly bombed her 11+ - gobsmackingly bad results - she got 8 A*s, an A & a B at GCSE. I failed mine too yet I made it all the way to medical school & picked up another degree (a first) on the way.

I know it seems harder when one child passes & another doesn't but I know of a multiple families in that situation. All the children have done very well & you'd be hard pressed to tell the grammar from the non grammar child.

I feel you OP.
My son passed 11+, only just, and was turned down due to oversubscription. We were both devastated. I appealed and he got the place, I proudly bought the lovely uniform and felt we were so lucky.
There were problems from day one regarding admin, buses, everything. After three weeks he broke down in the car and said he was so sorry because of the effort I had to put into the appeal, but he felt he'd made a massive mistake. He had no friends, all his others went to comp.
I felt sick. Gutted isn't the word, I totally broke down, not in front of him but on my own. I felt he was giving up his entire future, and for that I was angry, upset and devastated. To make it worse the school bent over backwards to keep him. But he was so unhappy he cried everyday, so I made the decision to send him to the local comp in special measures with a 60% pupil premium percentage and full of kids with behaviour problems who spend all week in isolation.
6 months on he is the old him, happy with his friends
The other school was amazing, international education centres, national opportunities. I still have his uniform and diary and weep for what he lost (for myself-I wanted to be able to say he was there). But he's happy.
He never has homework, they seem to doss through term achieving nothing. I know he will achieve less academically. I have given up hoping for any of my children to do well-we planned to use the sibling rule so him leaving has effed up the others going.
Cannot give you any hope OP. I am still devastated, it is tragic and I will always wonder what would happen if I had made him stay. I feel I've made a mistake. But that's life.

My son was at private for primary and state comp for secondary. He’s in year 10 now and whilst the choice was driven by finances I’m glad it was as he’s doing brilliantly, for a kid who is smart and driven but tends to be grade B/C. That said, the comp is best performing state school in the borough. He’d have fallen through the cracks if he’d stayed in private as I found real focus was given to the very high achievers.

I'm sorry you are under such pressure - firstly ignore the Mums at private school.

I think being a borderline pass at a grammar is the worst scenario - stressful and bad for confidence.

We have grammar schools in our area and chose NOT to use them as we are lucky to have an outstanding comp. I believe my kids will progress as well academically and receive a more holistic education.

League tables are fairly useless unless they compare similarly able kids.

Try to be really positive for your child and I hope you'll be happy with how it works out.

My partner failed his 11+ and went to a 'normal secondary school' whilst their two siblings went to grammar school. They got much better grades at GCSE/A Level but my partner (who only had GCSEs) moved to a city got a job in the bottom of a profession and worked their way up. Now 10 years later my partner earns significantly more than both of them (who went into uni) and myself (and I have a first class degree and a PhD.) But I also failed my 11+ and went to a state secondary.

My partner was also an idiot at school, clever but lazy and more interested in messing around than working.

If he was very close to passmark, are you not considering appealing?

I also wanted to say that I know a lot of parents with one at a grammar and one at a secondary modern (they are not comprehensive here). Some could have paid for a private school, but chose not to. Once they overcame their initial thoughts, the children have all done very well.

There have been a couple of parents in my village who were far too heavily invested in the 11 plus result and it is their children who have had health problems through being force fed the need to be in a grammar school and then not getting into one was a major trauma. It is better to be a bit more laid back and embracing of the new school. The children here went with friends, but these friends were not seen as good enough by the heavily invested parents!

However, many of the secondary schools have over 30% high achievers in them. A true comp should have more! There are plenty of bright enough children to work with and there are good clubs and activities for the children. The schools are obviously different from the grammar schools, but can certainly ensure children get very good results and, importantly, find like minded friends.

My DC have both been in independent schools all through pre-school and primary. DS is Yr8 and still at an indie he started at the beginning of Yr5. DD started at a comp in Sept for Yr7 and is loving it. We have always considered state for her as she is very sociable and very bright but always felt if we were paying for her brother it would be unfair not to do the same for her. The choice was hers and despite being offered academic scholarships for the school she was in and another that was closer and that she had good friends going to she chose the comp where she basically knew no-one. I worried about it not being cool to be clever but this was totally unnecessary. She is thriving in every way. It is different from her brothers schools but they are individuals too. Please don't think that it won't be a great fit for your DC. Wait and see which school you get, be positive about it regardless of how you really feel and stay open minded. And ignore any parents at the current school who turn their nose up!! What score you get on a test aged 11 does not determine your future!!

I also totally agree with everything teentimestwo said.