DS didn't pass 11+ - how to feel less sad about upcoming school allocation

I think if a child wants to do well and is committed they will succeed.

My dd is nearly 14 and has just picked her options. She will be doing 8 (or 9 depending on what she gets) GCSEs
The girls grammar down the road are doing 13/14
Because they have to do triple science, re, mfl there isn't time to do drama, music, art, media, cooking, textiles etc it's purely academic.

As virtually all subjects now are based on final exams the pressure on the grammar school kids is going to be intense. Hours and hours of work. It's going to be very stressful.

My dds comp is great. The teachers are supportive, she enjoys school, they get above average results but they also have fun. Great after school clubs, amazing drama, lovely friends
But just because she doesn't go to grammar and may not want to go to uni it doesn't make her future a failure.

When I was pregnant I was asked repeatedly what I wanted. I always answered the same - I don't care as long as they are happy.
My job as a parent is to raise a confident, caring, responsible, happy child and whether she gets A* or Cs as long as she has those traits (especially happiness) I will feel it's a job well done

Someone posted some research with regards to kids who scrapped through into grammar doing very well and this idea of people struggling with grammar because they had been overly tutored didn't hold up at all.

I will try find it if I can have a dig for it.

"You're much better off being cleverest at comp than least clever at grammar school"

1. Who says the OP's child will be the cleverest at a comprehensive?
2. The statement is bollocks anyway. It depends on the individual child and the individual schools.

My uncle failed his 11+, went to a crappy school, and now (age 75) is a retired CEO with several million in the bank. He was a very single-minded, clever boy and worked very hard at what interested him. I have an Oxbridge education with many postgrad degrees and earn squatdiddly. It's what you do with what you have that really matters.

You're much better off being cleverest at comp than least clever at grammar school. The pressure is horrendous and lots of kids (more girls than boys admittedly) end up with MH issues and being referred to CAMHS because they're unable to cope with the pressure

I hate these sweeping generalisations because they make people think if they have a borderline child they will fail at grammar.

It’s just bullshit.

Sure, some kids do better at comps. Some kids do better at grammar.

Kids are different - who knew?

You're much better off being cleverest at comp than least clever at grammar school. The pressure is horrendous and lots of kids (more girls than boys admittedly) end up with MH issues and being referred to CAMHS because they're unable to cope with the pressure.

It's not me that's prejudiced. OP said it

It's her son that's spouting this rubbish

I have lots of friends who's dd go to a local high ranking grammar
Low pupil premium, all tutored to pass the 11+
One of then I still being tutored because she struggles with the work at the grammar

Come on- don't most reasonably intelligent people spend part of their adolescence thinking about politics, disrribution of wealth, inequities, social constructs etc?

PersonAtHome it sounds as though you're handling it exactly the right way, which means he'll be successful and fulfilled wherever he goes, because he's got your support (and ds1's!)

Middle-of-the-road that must have been a horrible time for your family, and I hope, 6/7 months on, they're both settled and happy now

A friend if mines son went to a highly rated selective private school and failed his English GCSE. Twice. The local comp wasn't suitable for him as he was so bright.

Bog off....Grrrrsnarl indeed

Big off with your prejudice Grrrrsnarl. DS1 sounds like he is either getting or making for himself a great education. Vive la revolution.

Just read through this thread and I had to make a comment

You said

DS1 isn't helping as he's embracing socialism and communism at the moment and is always going on about the horrors of elitist private education!

im sorry. A lot kids who go to grammar have parents who can afford to tutor and often come from private prep schools

If this is the sort of crap that your son is being taught at the grammar (from probably kids who have had an elitist education) then the local comp might give your ds2 a different outlook and grounding.

In fact I'm surprised your ds1 can bare to go to the grammar considering the privilege he's getting
If he's into socialism and communism then all kids should be taught equal and he isn't

First I know a lot of boys who went to our local private Grammar school, it is a fabulous school but the results they got at the end were pretty much the same they would have got at the local Comprehensive. And even though it is a great school quite a few had private tutors.
Second new schools can be fabulous. We have one close to me, and the first years have been taught in portacabins but will start in their new building in September, and it is fabulous. A really brilliantly designed building. And the teachers are great too, enthusiastic fairly young ones who moved for better promotion chances.

re an appeal - we appealed and won a place at the grammar for DS1 so that would make me uncomfortable about appealing again for DS2

I think that should make you more determined to appeal though. Otherwise ds2 could turn round and say "you pushed to get ds1 in, you obviously didn't car/didn't think I was as good."

I feel for you OP. Last year one twin got into gs one did not and was initially offered local failing school. It cut hard to have one twin celebrating and one gutted in the same house.

We appealed with lots of evidence but no joy.

He started another comp in September (the place was taken away very late in the day and another stressful appeal was won to get the comp place back in July) but now goes to a different gs.

Whatever you do, don't show your sadness/disappointment. We worked hard to big up the comp (even though it was hard seeing DT2 preparing for grammar).

But appeals and waiting lists can take their own turns, even later in the day, as we found out.

It's worth remembering that wherever both your DC end up parental support and engagement is one of the things that makes a HUGE difference for how a child does.

By putting on a positive front you're showing that you're exactly the kind of parent who is going to support your DC with their education, and that can make the difference between kids at a 'worse' school who achieve their potential and those who don't. I wish all the parents of my year 11s were as invested as you are, it really does have an impact!

(Obviously not saying the teachers don't matter, clearly they do, but supportive parents are so invaluable)

Forgot to say- it’s really important to have the older one onside too. Very easy for there to be either triumphalism or excessive sympathy. I’ve seen both! My dd got quite upset at one point because many of her friends and their parents were horrified at the news and didn’t hold back and she got really worried about what was going to happen to her little brother......

I’ve had one at grammar and one at a secondary modern. I think the key thing is to decide what you think the grammar can provide that the other school doesn’t and take steps to provide it. For my ds it was music and drama. The school we assumed he would go to did lots of both-the school he went to didn’t. So we found a youth theatre and musical outlets.

Don’t worry about the academic side-unless it is a catastrophically failing school they’ll have that covered. But you might have to keep a closer eye on it than you would at a grammar school.

Most of my ds’s friends had gone to the grammar school, and I worked quite hard at helping him maintain those friendships, with the help of some of their mothers. He had lots of people he knew and got on with at his school but because there a very small number of high achievers, he missed having an academic peer group. But keeping outside friends helped with that. I’m not going to pretend he had it as easy as he would have done if he had gone to the grammar school with his mates, but it was perfectly fine. I just had to help him manage things more than I would have done if things had been different.

Ok- accept the place you have been offered. Call the school you want (the comp that was your preferred choice) and find out what position on the waiting list he is. Get on the waiting list.

Get behind the school allocated 100%- you need to present a positive face to DS- children are anxious about the transfer even when they get their first choice. Big up all the positive aspects of change to secondary- bigger pool of friends, burgeoning independence, growing up etc.
Your attitude will make the transfer a success, no matter which school he walks through the doors of come September.