Independent schools - what are the parental networking, PTAs like?

DD went to an indie mixed Junior school and the School (not necessarily the PTA) were much more involved in helping friendships. We got an annual booklet which had all the names of her classmates and the contact details for their parents.

However at Secondary School (single sex indie day school) this doesn't exist and the children make their own arrangements.

However they have class tutors and Heads of Year who are much more proactive. Their only function is the well being of the children and can help them in any way - pastoral or educational.

I'm not aware of our PTA - not sure it's really a thing at the Senior School. I know they run an annual Summer fete but that's it - the rest of the activities are run by the school.

Lonicera
Ours get £5/month from a childless great aunt, if they ask we give money for cinema, petrol etc.
Eldest volunteers for police cadets, trains and plays rugby and is madly revising for Year 13 a levels. Plus looking for part time job Monday/Tuesday evenings, only time he is free.
In last 10 days he has come home and said, 10th Feb going to Angel's 18th. Next day, meet mates from rugby and going to cinema, is okay to watch name of film. it was. Then his ex school mates have arranged to go to goKarting, was it okay and can I use some of my savings. He didn't have to tell us any of this. because he can get his own money, but felt he should.
But his best friend from primary who's mum and dad have always been heavily involved with him, even have girlfriends sleep over at 10 years old, now find he doesn't tell them anything, even to the point where it was his FE college and girlfriends parent (that they knew nothing about) who reported both missing after 3 days, Luckily they where found safe.

Lonicera
Eldest was in years 8 with 1st and it was a school thing, as was girl in year 9, last girlfriend, lived in next town and was 10 minute bike ride/25 minute walk. Their "dates" where in local park and odd ie 2 trips to cinema. She plays netball for county and he plays rugby.
Lasted 6/7 months, he hasn't bothered since and she is single too, both too involved with their sports.
Youngest 1st girlfriend on/off for year 7/8 mainly in school. Jess, is year 11 to his 10 and they walk 3 miles each and meet in middle. Mainly in market town, pocket money pays them a drink/snack each.
I remember doing same, no money, walk/cycle. Meet in park.
They all seemed just happy to be together.
we live in semi rural Holderness, most kids are cash strapped. It's amazing what you can do we nothing. Also think none of them wanted their parents to meet there "boyfriend/girlfriend" as it bloody awkward and embarrassing.
Maybe it is a local custom but most parents have similar stories, its only ones who DC are in long standing relationships who meet other person. In fact with first 2 with eldest we didn't even know he was going out at the time, nothing to do with us. He knows he tell us anything anytime, and does, we don't need to know everything, in fact I think it does them the world of good, letting make their own way in the world, know mum/dad is always there if you need them, but won't demand to be in life all the time.
In fact both share more voluntarily with us, then other Dc do when asked.

Secondary school does tend to turn parents into a mere taxi service. Woo betide you if you dare ring a doorbell and speak to other parents! I know 4 of the other 6 mum's from her friendship group to say hi & have a general chit chat with and the other two I've never met. I'd recognise 3 of the dads if I saw them. I'm afraid OP regardless of whether your DC goes to a state or indy secondary school that you may have to take some deep breaths and step back, especially as the friends they make in the first few weeks may quickly move on. They seem to develop some permanence in year 10 & 11, by which time parents are just a general source of embarrassment.

DD can afford to go out all the time, eat in nice chain restaurants (not McDs) and live in bubble tea/ coffee shops because she gets generously rewarded for working hard at school and tops up her allowance with a part time job.

"Eldest has had 3 girlfriends never met one of them or their parents, youngest on 2nd, never met first, we have met 2nd twice and he met her parents on Christmas day."

How can they afford to go out all the time?

DD's boyfriend is here quite often. Neither of them have the money to go out a lot, and his parents don't like either of their boys bringing anyone home. It's winter and gets dark early and they don't want to spend much time outside either.

issywacky
I hope you realise in year 7, we didn't know 1/2 of our two lads friends, by year 9/10 it was probably 8/10 of their friends. Eldest is in year 13, I know 1 of his mates. I know more of this rugby/police cadet friends. Sorry but once at secondary school parents have no say in who their children make friends with.
Eldest has had 3 girlfriends never met one of them or their parents, youngest on 2nd, never met first, we have met 2nd twice and he met her parents on Christmas day.
Year 11 leavers ball students only, they had a ball. I would have been horrified if my parents had gone to school discos (1980's)
My kids equally.
But ours aren't boarding or out at 0700 and home at1900 like lots of private school kids, no Saturday schools either, so I suppose they don't need us at school as they see every morning/night/weekend.
As Ds1 said the other day ,they are boring but okay, to one of his mates.

issy I got friendly with a couple of parents of DD's friends in year 7, but when they got older it became very much hands off. The other issue is that friendships become much more transient. Girls, especially, fall out with each other, and you really need to leave it up to the school to sort problems out.

My ds is at an independent school in south west. In terms of parental involvement, there isnt a PTA. There are parent reps, one for each year. They organise the social side of things, nights out/ coffee meet ups etc.. The school does also provide lots of opportunities for parents to attend things at school, and usually provide coffee cakes and a chance to mingle. I believe there is also a business network group for any parents that own their own business. Oh and a parents prayer group, and the parents tennis club, actually there's quite a bit going on!

We are in The North and as I said before I’m as involved as my child wants me to be ( not much)

I don’t really think the North is much different from the South! What counts is the ethos of the school. My DD2 went to a different school for 6th form and they didn’t invite parents in as much as the first school, but they did do a big art show evening, carol service, school concert/dance, fashion show and plays. The parents also did a quiz night and held a very big shopping fair. (Fur coat seller did a roaring trade!). These provide networking opportunities and give you an opportunity to support your child. This school was about 1 hour from home too and it’s really up to you if you join in or not. We liked joining in and our DDs expected us to turn up. So did their friends! Some didn’t see much of their parents!

You are not in school all the time but if you value the social side, see if the schools you are interested in encourage parents to come along to things. Never sold teddy bears or made anything (no-one did) because in both schools the fair was invited stall holders and mostly goods for women! However maybe this a girls’ school thing? Our ball was wonderful and the 6th form went too with young men they wished to invite plus parents of course. I don’t think many state schools will do this but if you have opportunities to meet other parents, join in and be a class rep, why not if you enjoy it? DH was class rep and enjoyed it!

We have close family friends, maid of honour and bridesmaid at our wedding. They moved to Manchester, for son to attend a Private school. I think it is called Chethams, but it is the school of music, so probably not one your looking at. He is year 9. Both parents retired and they have been shocked at how much parents are involved in school life/activities. From coffee every morning at drop off time to concerts, lunches and dinner parties.
Please don't think we don't support the school, we do with discipline, homework, kids on time and funding trips/study tours and two trips to London to support the rugby team, national champions 2014.
But the kids are now 17 and 15 and mum and dad are sadly slightly embarrassing, only good for lifts and don't speak, especially if girlfriend is in car too. Eldest drives now, so doesn't even need lifts. Next stop university.
Certainly wasn't on our list in choosing school, in fact non of local state secondary schools mention PTA's anyway

My DS's spent 11 + years in the independent sector (admittedly mainly boarding) some parents like me can't stand PTA's etc have no interest in getting involved, manning teddy bear stalls etc (luckily a very uncommon event in the boarding schools my DS attended) and only turn up for social things where attendance is virtually compulsory. Other throw themselves into PTA's and any social activities etc with enthusiasm, cheerfully man stalls and make things for craft fairs and I'm pretty sure receive a very warm welcome from similar parents and school staff. The majority fall between the two camps, they don't want to be on PTA's but will happily attend some social events (providing the price isn't exorbitant) and man the odd stall etc if someone else has organised them.

I hope I didn't come across as dismissive. I wanted to support DD's secondary school so I became a governor. I was secretary of the PTA at her primary school as well.

When you say northern independents, which ones do you mean? I have friends with children in independents in Wakefield.

I agree with Stickerrocks. this was very true of DD starting secondary school. The hands off part is a bit of a culture shock to start with but it really is normal for parents not to be involved with the school or their children's social lives.

Another key reason for the lack of parental involvement is that most secondary age pupils no longer rely on their parents being at the school gate for pick ups & drop offs and their parents can work longer hours. Our state secondary school may have an annual fete run by the Friends and the odd quiz night, but parents are only expected to attend parents evenings. Parents are no longer forced to be friends with the parents of their children's friends, as they make all of their own arrangements for their own social lives, regardless of how geographically dispersed they are. I would never have even considered parental involvement in the school as a factor in selecting a secondary school, whether private or state. Exam results, behaviour, bullying and reported drug use were all far more important, but then again I've always had a career, so I had negligible involvement with other parents from nursery onwards.

sazzy5 Yes when our Dses where at primary school, there was a friends of school association, which raised money, like a PTA. All local primary schools(state) have them, northern county so shit government funding. But no local state secondary's have PTA's, think my boys would die of shame, if mum or dad was that involved.
Don't think it just our friends/family, forgot we have Scottish private school users too, just the same attitude, see BubblesBuddy replies above, and I have read many similar posts from private school users on here.
Seems state parents just let kids and school get on with it, and private schools have to be a "family" or buy into the ethos, I mean class reps for secondary, we have in 8 years we have been involved with Ds school, been in it about 15 times for both of them. 11 of which are parents evenings.
The £10000 was raised totally from children/staff, no parent events, no charity balls etc, just cupcake sales on parent s evening.
secondary schools are the next step on children's path to independence, next is University, apprenceships, work etc, where we parents have no input. Our school would not expect, or actually welcome, the same parent involvement as at primary

User maybe that is just your friends choice and they enjoy it? My DC went to state school the PTA were very active and raised lots of money for the school along with some good social events for the parents. Most children lived pretty close to the school so more community to it.
My DC are now at private secondary school, there are very few events and most of those are to do with plays or leavers parties. I work so don’t really socialise with the other mums but they seem like a nice bunch.

Just to say like Lonicera our 2 Ds go to local rural comprehensive, 10 feeder primaries, 2 in walking distance, rest bussed in. 16 buses every day. Both Ds have large friend groups, only parents we socialise with are ones they are still friends with from primary school. So not many. Apart from parent evenings and odd concert/play or sports event, we never attend any event in school. All fund raising is organised by the pupils, including red nose/comic relief and children in need events. plus they have raised over £10000 for teenage cancer trust in the 7 years we have been involved.
We have friends/family at private schools in Manchester/Hull and Leeds, they seem to live in the PTA and school and coffee meets etc, we know no state school like this at secondary. Most are like ours and above, so why do private schools need PTA and parent involvement so much, Their children are meant to the much bright than your average comprehensive child, yet most state schools cope fine without daily parent interaction, is it that private parents are total control "freaks" who are paying, so need to be in constant control/contact with the school/DC.
By the way our schools rated inadequate by Ofsted and we are still hands off, so if attending a private school, why can't these parents.
Secondary schools events should be for the pupils not parents.

"pupils who are at private schools seem to be spread round the region and so you don't get to meet parents nor do the children that go to them seem to have friends that 'live round the corner'"

We live in a rural area and DD is at a state comprehensive in the next market town. Most of the students are bussed in from all over the place. Only one of her friends lives "just around the corner".

Parents don't get involved in their children's social lives and I don't know the parents of a lot of people DD is friendly with. It is very hands off by secondary school. I did get friendly with a couple of parents when DD was in year 7, but we don't socialise.

One of my friends has children at an indie school and they go to balls etc. Not my kind of thing at all.

Where mine boarded, the boarding parents were very involved. The day parents dropped off and ran and were always too busy to show up. I never met some and it was a small school and plenty of opportunities to join in. However the day girls joined in less anyway. They went home!